I am sorry it has been so long since I have posted. I know some of you may have even forgotten about this little blog of mine. Yesterday was 19 years since the first time that I was raped. This year I had to take my hubby to the airport up in Indy so that he could go visit with his family in Georgia. This year I came back home and went back to sleep for a while and then got up and started cleaning house (as best I could with my back injury, which I will tell you all about soon). I had some friends come over and they kept me company. One friend came over and helped me clean…then the others came over and we had a girls’ night and we talked and made Vision/Inspiration boards and we had a good time and I did not feel sad or helpless or lost once. THIS year, I won.
This year I had scheduled to take today off of work. Unfortunately I ended up missing two days of work for being sick and was not able to take the day off because we were really busy here at work. Today I have been trying very hard not to feel this feeling and these feelings. Today I have tried very very hard not to let the past ruin the day and not to let myself see that day again over and over again in my head.
See the thing is, even though it has been 18 years today, I can still remember exactly what I was wearing, what we had for dinner, all of the events leading up to and following what happened. And I cannot shake it.
Today I am listening to Tori Amos and knowing that I am not alone. I am trying very hard to not cry today. Today is really hard for me.
I am sorry to everyone for not being here and for not posting like I had intended. I have been having a hard time with this day coming and now with it being here and I really think that I can go back to being better after this.
Silent All These Years makes me think of my childhood….and what happened….and those feelings I cannot shake….
I have officially booked the room for the first three support group meetings!!! My business cards should be arriving soon. I also ordered post cards to post around town. I am really feeling like this is finally really coming together. I am nervous but really excited. I cannot wait for the meetings to begin. My husband keeps saying that I am going to end up as someone with a lot of influence. Whether I do or not this feels like such important work. I just wish that I had more time to devote to it!
I want to apologize to you, my readers and fellow survivors. Things have been CRAZY busy this holiday season. I have been making a lot of gifts which has kept me away from the computer. After the New Year I have plans to start my support group (nerves!!!) and to begin working (hopefully) with Turning Point Domestic Violence Services. I really hope that I do get to do some work with them, as they are who runs our local domestic abuse shelter and I feel that I can do a lot of good there.
Lots of love to you all. Keep fighting the good fight. Keep strong in your resolve. Know that I love you all and I am just an email away. Please do not hesitate to email me if you need to talk. My email is email@example.com and I hope that you know I will be there for you if you need me.
Love and light to you all and a joyous holiday (whatever your holiday!)
***I have been asked to add an addendum to this post. Above I mention the support group and I mention Turning Point Domestic Violence Services. I want to make it clear that the support group is not something that is tied to Turning Point. Unfortunately they do not have any services like this available. This is why I am doing the support group all on my own.
This is copied from the Huffington Post site. This article was not written by me. This was written by the brilliant Ms. Eve Ensler. I read this and had to share it with you guys. I am over it too. I agree with the OCCUPYRAPE part. Countdown to Vday 2013. I will be sharing this with my support group when it gets started. We are getting closer to that time!
I am over rape.
I am over rape culture, rape mentality, rape pages on Facebook.
I am over the thousands of people who signed those pages with their real names without shame.
I am over people demanding their right to rape pages, and calling it freedom of speech or justifying it as a joke.
I am over people not understanding that rape is not a joke and I am over being told I don’t have a sense of humor, and women don’t have a sense of humor, when most women I know (and I know a lot) are really fucking funny. We just don’t think that uninvited penises up our anus, or our vagina is a laugh riot.
I am over how long it seems to take anyone to ever respond to rape. I am over Facebook taking weeks to take down rape pages.
I am over the hundreds of thousands of women in Congo still waiting for the rapes to end and the rapists to be held accountable.
I am over the thousands of women in Bosnia, Burma, Pakistan, South Africa, Guatemala, Sierra Leone, Haiti, Afghanistan, Libya, you name a place, still waiting for justice.
I am over rape happening in broad daylight.
I am over the 207 clinics in Ecuador supported by the government that are capturing, raping, and torturing lesbians to make them straight.
I am over one in three women in the U.S military (Happy Veterans Day!) getting raped by their so-called “comrades.”
I am over the forces that deny women who have been raped the right to have an abortion.
And I’m over CNBC debate host Maria Bartiromo getting booed when she asked him about it. She was booed, not Herman Cain.
Which reminds me, I am so over the students at Penn State who protested the justice system instead of the alleged rapist pedophile of at least 8 boys, or his boss Joe Paterno, who did nothing to protect those children after knowing what was happening to them.
I am over rape victims becoming re-raped when they go public.
I am over starving Somalian women being raped at the Dadaab refugee camp in Kenya, and I am over women getting raped at Occupy Wall Street and being quiet about it because they were protecting a movement which is fighting to end the pillaging and raping of the economy and the earth, as if the rape of their bodies was something separate.
I am over women still being silent about rape, because they are made to believe it’s their fault or they did something to make it happen.
I am over violence against women not being a #1 international priority when one out of three women will be raped or beaten in her lifetime — the destruction and muting and undermining of women is the destruction of life itself. No women, no future, duh.
I am over this rape culture where the privileged with political and physical and economic might, take what and who they want, when they want it, as much as they want, any time they want it. I am over the endless resurrection of the careers of rapists and sexual exploiters — film directors, world leaders, corporate executives, movie stars, athletes — while the lives of the women they violated are permanently destroyed, often forcing them to live in social and emotional exile.
I am over the passivity of good men. Where the hell are you? You live with us, make love with us, father us, befriend us, brother us, get nurtured and mothered and eternally supported by us, so why aren’t you standing with us? Why aren’t you driven to the point of madness and action by the rape and humiliation of us?
I am over years and years of being over rape.
And thinking about rape every day of my life since I was 5-years-old.
And getting sick from rape, and depressed from rape, and enraged by rape.
And reading my insanely crowded inbox of rape horror stories every hour of every single day.
I am over being polite about rape.
It’s been too long now, we have been too understanding.
We need to OCCUPYRAPE in every school, park, radio, TV station, household, office, factory, refugee camp, military base, back room, night club, alleyway, courtroom, UN office. We need people to truly try and imagine — once and for all — what it feels like to have your body invaded, your mind splintered, your soul shattered.
We need to let our rage and our compassion connect us so we can change the paradigm of global rape.
There are approximately one billion women on the planet who have been violated.
ONE BILLION WOMEN.
The time is now.
Prepare for the escalation.
Today it begins, moving toward February 14, 2013, when one billion women will rise to end rape.
Because we are over it.
Now don’t get me wrong….I do not feel this way now. I have in the past, though. Randomly, out of the blue, I would just start feeling like everyone was talking about me. Like they were all out to get me into some sort of trouble.
I know what you are thinking (see still a bit paranoid)…You are thinking “This chick has lost her mind!”
What you might not realize is that I am not alone. As a survivor of a crime perpetrated by someone that was a friend/aquaintance/love/partner it is not uncommon. I have found, through talking with other survivors, that we do tend to have a bit of paranoia going on. Some would even say “A healthy dose of paranoia keeps you safe.” But when is it too much?
I, personally, have had times when I felt like I could lock myself away from the entire world because I couldn’t trust anyone. I know that this is not a healthy dose of paranoia…this is more like OD’ing on paranoia.
I would like to invite you all to open this discussion up. I would like to have an open dialogue with you, my readers, to know your thoughts on this and share my own. I feel that it is important to openly communicate on this one. I think we could learn alot from each other.
Love and light,
So many times I sat and cried,
Wondering what I could have done…
What could I have done differently?
What would have kept them away from me?
Why did that little girl not have a voice?
Why did they take away her choice?
I will never know the woman I was meant to be.
The me that I would have become had they not stolen her from me.
I will never know that sweet little girl again.
You know, I see her now and then
But she is too scared to come out for long
She pokes her head out when no one is looking
She darts back behind the curtains before she is seen
How do I find a way back to her?
How do I get back the life that they took from her?
How do I find my way home when home is nowhere yet everywhere all at once?
How did I ever get this far from who I am?
From who I was meant to be?
What could I have done to keep them away from me?
It was not my fault.
I will not shoulder the blame and the shame for what was stolen and murdered in me.
One day they will answer for what they have done.
One day they will know that they sealed their own fate.
Until that day I will just sit back and wait.
Ok so in a totally gross turn of events I will say that I have had to do hemacults which are disgusting (slides from excrement from back door) because there has been blood. There has been a lot of blood which was scary and I went to the doc and they made me do these culture thingys. It was thoroughly disgusting and I nearly threw up several times. All three came back positive for blood so they sent me to a gastroenterologist. The gastroentrologist sent me to the hospital to do blood work and prepare for a colonoscopy on Friday. I am worried about a great many things. I am worried about the pains that I have been having and the blood. I am worried that they will find something horribly wrong with me. I am worried that I will go into a flashback.
One of my ex boyfriends raped me anally. I am worried that when I am put into conscious sedation that I will go into a flashback. This is a very real possibility with them going through the back door. I want to talk to my doctor’s office about it but I did not even think about it before hand. I will try to call them tomorrow and see if they will be able to do something different because of my trauma.
To top it off they still have not sent my FMLA paperwork back to my office so my boss doesn’t have confirmation from HR that this will be covered under FMLA and short term disability….so I may have to use my last few vacation days now instead of having time off with my family at Christmas which sucks because I have actually never gotten to take that week of Christmas off and I was looking forward to finally having the seniority to do that. **Sighs**I am freaking out a little bit. I am sad that I have to be freaking out and that I have to worry about my money situation on top of the freaking out part.
It isn’t fair! Dammit I want my real life….The one where I don’t have to worry about flashbacks or triggers and I don’t have to go for gross tests and do even grosser cultures. The one where I am healthy, happy and free from stress and strain. Where can I go to get that life back?
So my husband and I were awakened today by my son knocking on the door to tell us he didn’t feel good. My husband had the idea that my son should drink a glass of milk and take a hot bath. What the hell??? A child that is sick does not need milk which can curdle in their stomach and does not need a “hot bath” when they are already running a fever. I gave him some ibuprofen and asked my husband to get him some sprite. So instead of getting a 2ltr of sprite he goes to hardee’s and gets breakfast and gets him a large sprite…like this is going to be enough for the poor kid who is sick.
After he comes home, said kid gets to feeling somewhat better and plays video games for a while so husband reiterates that a hot bath may be a good idea. I said no but kiddo listened to his step dad because after all what does mama know, right? Well kid takes hot bath and gets so nauseous this time he throws up. Throws up after just taking ibuprofen so do not know if he got any of the medicine or not….can’t give him more…now my mother, which has custody of my kiddo calls and is told how my husband told him to drink milk and take a hot bath and she is in an uproar and wanting to come get him now and making me feel like I don’t know what the hell I am doing about being a mom and taking care of my sick kid….
Oh I forgot to mention that during all of this I had bought stuff yesterday to make my husband a caramel apple pie and so I was looking up the recipe and since I did not know the recipe off the top of my head like some kind of baking genius, and actually had to look up a recipe, then I was told I didn’t know what I was doing with that and if I had to look up the pie recipe he might as well do it himself. Then he had the nerve to tell me how if I wanted to do something nice for someone I should ask them what they want instead of just assuming. This is the manipulative shit he pulls on me when I am trying to do something nice and he makes me feel like shit for it. Tells me if I had just asked him what he wanted then I would not have been so disappointed when he didn’t want what I was doing. I didn’t ask him because I was going to surprise him with this beautiful caramel apple pie that he said was his favorite type of pie and that he had been asking for for a few years but I had not had the time or motivation to make it for him before. So I was trying to make this as a surprise for him and he shits all over it and then tells me how it is my fault that he did that because I didn’t ask him first. What kind of abusive manipulative shit is that?????? And the worst part is that he doesn’t even realize he is abusing me with this talk and this attitude. He thinks that his behavior and his saying these things is helpful to me. I do not know how someone can be so far off the mark as to think that this is helpful. How can he not see that he is being very hurtful and mentally abusive to me???? How can he not see that???? And the bad part is that he is going to read this and then he is going to get all sullen and then he is going to make me feel bad for feeling this way and then he will do the same thing all over again. This is mental cruelty that he is doing and he refuses to see it.
Oh and did I mention that this is all going on while I am trying to take care of my sick kid that has a temperature over 101? My kid is sick and now getting upset that his mom is being talked to this way and his step dad is being hurtful and emotionally harmful to his mom while he is trying to not throw up….and I am trying not to do anything more to make my kid feel worse…trying to help him feel better and getting berated for trying to do something nice. Being bullied because I did not have a memorized recipe and I didn’t ASK HIM before I bought the stuff to make him something he said was his favorite dessert. Like I have to ASK HIM if I want to surprise him with anything.
My therapist told me that I should do things to make my husband feel special and less insecure and be more intimate with him. I told him that and then came home to him thinking about all the ways that I can make him feel good….not about how he can make me feel good in return but how I can make him feel good. As if he hadn’t had enough selfish tendencies when it comes to having sex anyways. Now it comes back full circle to me actually trying to open back up to him after all these months of trying to let go of him being so selfish in the beginning and get back to being giving like I had always been before and he is going right back to the selfishness.
It went really well. She thinks that I may be a bit manic…I just hope that is not followed by a depressive state. Right now I have a ton of projects going on.
1. Working on getting the info for the support group to get that started.
2. Working on this blog.
3. Getting involved with INCASA
4. Possibly getting involved with RAINN.
5. Looking for a writing group here in town and if I cannot find one, going to start one.
6. Looking into starting a writing group.
8. Being a wife.
9. Being a mom.
10. Crocheting a blanket for my wonderful teenage son. It is Xbox green, white and black striped.
11. Knitting a beautiful scarf for my lovely friend Emi.
12. Working on knitting a shawl for the daughter of the worlds coolest boss….my boss 🙂
14. Working on making my husband feel loved and nurtured even though sometimes I cannot be physical.
15. Art projects.
17.Trying to work on a new song that I have not told Hubby about yet because it is kind of for him.
So as you can see I have a lot going on and I don’t know where I am finding the time to do it all. Sometimes it feels like I am doing so much that nothing gets done. Sometimes it feels like I am so over committed that I cannot breathe. My husband thinks that I do this to keep from having to deal with things. Maybe he is right, but a lot of this I am doing so that I can deal with things. Never ending cycle I guess. I am working on it though. Trying to stay positive and remain happy. The world is my canvas…I will paint it to be what I want it to be….I will bend it to my will and it will be mine 🙂
Love and Light!