I am sorry it has been so long since I have posted. I know some of you may have even forgotten about this little blog of mine. Yesterday was 19 years since the first time that I was raped. This year I had to take my hubby to the airport up in Indy so that he could go visit with his family in Georgia. This year I came back home and went back to sleep for a while and then got up and started cleaning house (as best I could with my back injury, which I will tell you all about soon). I had some friends come over and they kept me company. One friend came over and helped me clean…then the others came over and we had a girls’ night and we talked and made Vision/Inspiration boards and we had a good time and I did not feel sad or helpless or lost once. THIS year, I won.
This year I had scheduled to take today off of work. Unfortunately I ended up missing two days of work for being sick and was not able to take the day off because we were really busy here at work. Today I have been trying very hard not to feel this feeling and these feelings. Today I have tried very very hard not to let the past ruin the day and not to let myself see that day again over and over again in my head.
See the thing is, even though it has been 18 years today, I can still remember exactly what I was wearing, what we had for dinner, all of the events leading up to and following what happened. And I cannot shake it.
Today I am listening to Tori Amos and knowing that I am not alone. I am trying very hard to not cry today. Today is really hard for me.
I am sorry to everyone for not being here and for not posting like I had intended. I have been having a hard time with this day coming and now with it being here and I really think that I can go back to being better after this.
Silent All These Years makes me think of my childhood….and what happened….and those feelings I cannot shake….
I have officially booked the room for the first three support group meetings!!! My business cards should be arriving soon. I also ordered post cards to post around town. I am really feeling like this is finally really coming together. I am nervous but really excited. I cannot wait for the meetings to begin. My husband keeps saying that I am going to end up as someone with a lot of influence. Whether I do or not this feels like such important work. I just wish that I had more time to devote to it!
This is copied from the Huffington Post site. This article was not written by me. This was written by the brilliant Ms. Eve Ensler. I read this and had to share it with you guys. I am over it too. I agree with the OCCUPYRAPE part. Countdown to Vday 2013. I will be sharing this with my support group when it gets started. We are getting closer to that time!
I am over rape.
I am over rape culture, rape mentality, rape pages on Facebook.
I am over the thousands of people who signed those pages with their real names without shame.
I am over people demanding their right to rape pages, and calling it freedom of speech or justifying it as a joke.
I am over people not understanding that rape is not a joke and I am over being told I don’t have a sense of humor, and women don’t have a sense of humor, when most women I know (and I know a lot) are really fucking funny. We just don’t think that uninvited penises up our anus, or our vagina is a laugh riot.
I am over how long it seems to take anyone to ever respond to rape. I am over Facebook taking weeks to take down rape pages.
I am over the hundreds of thousands of women in Congo still waiting for the rapes to end and the rapists to be held accountable.
I am over the thousands of women in Bosnia, Burma, Pakistan, South Africa, Guatemala, Sierra Leone, Haiti, Afghanistan, Libya, you name a place, still waiting for justice.
I am over rape happening in broad daylight.
I am over the 207 clinics in Ecuador supported by the government that are capturing, raping, and torturing lesbians to make them straight.
I am over one in three women in the U.S military (Happy Veterans Day!) getting raped by their so-called “comrades.”
I am over the forces that deny women who have been raped the right to have an abortion.
And I’m over CNBC debate host Maria Bartiromo getting booed when she asked him about it. She was booed, not Herman Cain.
Which reminds me, I am so over the students at Penn State who protested the justice system instead of the alleged rapist pedophile of at least 8 boys, or his boss Joe Paterno, who did nothing to protect those children after knowing what was happening to them.
I am over rape victims becoming re-raped when they go public.
I am over starving Somalian women being raped at the Dadaab refugee camp in Kenya, and I am over women getting raped at Occupy Wall Street and being quiet about it because they were protecting a movement which is fighting to end the pillaging and raping of the economy and the earth, as if the rape of their bodies was something separate.
I am over women still being silent about rape, because they are made to believe it’s their fault or they did something to make it happen.
I am over violence against women not being a #1 international priority when one out of three women will be raped or beaten in her lifetime — the destruction and muting and undermining of women is the destruction of life itself. No women, no future, duh.
I am over this rape culture where the privileged with political and physical and economic might, take what and who they want, when they want it, as much as they want, any time they want it. I am over the endless resurrection of the careers of rapists and sexual exploiters — film directors, world leaders, corporate executives, movie stars, athletes — while the lives of the women they violated are permanently destroyed, often forcing them to live in social and emotional exile.
I am over the passivity of good men. Where the hell are you? You live with us, make love with us, father us, befriend us, brother us, get nurtured and mothered and eternally supported by us, so why aren’t you standing with us? Why aren’t you driven to the point of madness and action by the rape and humiliation of us?
I am over years and years of being over rape.
And thinking about rape every day of my life since I was 5-years-old.
And getting sick from rape, and depressed from rape, and enraged by rape.
And reading my insanely crowded inbox of rape horror stories every hour of every single day.
I am over being polite about rape.
It’s been too long now, we have been too understanding.
We need to OCCUPYRAPE in every school, park, radio, TV station, household, office, factory, refugee camp, military base, back room, night club, alleyway, courtroom, UN office. We need people to truly try and imagine — once and for all — what it feels like to have your body invaded, your mind splintered, your soul shattered.
We need to let our rage and our compassion connect us so we can change the paradigm of global rape.
There are approximately one billion women on the planet who have been violated.
ONE BILLION WOMEN.
The time is now.
Prepare for the escalation.
Today it begins, moving toward February 14, 2013, when one billion women will rise to end rape.
Because we are over it.
Now don’t get me wrong….I do not feel this way now. I have in the past, though. Randomly, out of the blue, I would just start feeling like everyone was talking about me. Like they were all out to get me into some sort of trouble.
I know what you are thinking (see still a bit paranoid)…You are thinking “This chick has lost her mind!”
What you might not realize is that I am not alone. As a survivor of a crime perpetrated by someone that was a friend/aquaintance/love/partner it is not uncommon. I have found, through talking with other survivors, that we do tend to have a bit of paranoia going on. Some would even say “A healthy dose of paranoia keeps you safe.” But when is it too much?
I, personally, have had times when I felt like I could lock myself away from the entire world because I couldn’t trust anyone. I know that this is not a healthy dose of paranoia…this is more like OD’ing on paranoia.
I would like to invite you all to open this discussion up. I would like to have an open dialogue with you, my readers, to know your thoughts on this and share my own. I feel that it is important to openly communicate on this one. I think we could learn alot from each other.
Love and light,
Well I am glad that you asked. I am actually feeling pretty good. I am sorry I have not posted a lot lately. Things have been CRAZY busy. The month of October usually is. I finally finished my son’s blanket (which is fracking awesome!). I have started saying Frack a lot instead of Fuck in an effort to curb the cursing. I have gotten put on new medications which will hopefully take care of my lower regions medical woes and get me back to feeling better. I am going onto a new med which should facilitate weight loss (YAY!) and the world seems to be looking up.
I have been doing a lot of house cleaning the past few days. I spent 4 hours on laundry last night folding, hanging up, putting away, washing, drying….blah. I have been doing dishes more regularly and making myself be up and moving around cooking and whatnot when I get home so that I don’t get as stiff.
I am still looking to start that support group. Any ideas on flyers or posters? I am going to a retreat with my hubby next month for survivors (our anniversary weekend) and am hoping to get some good information there.
I did miss my cultural sensitivity training from INCASA. I had to go to the dentist. Actually, the first time in 13 years. Pretty good though. Only 3 cavities. I knew I had periodontal disease but we are getting that treated and working towards keeping my teeth in my mouth where they belong. So far so good. I am glad I finally decided to go. I don’t know why I was so scared to.
Anyways, I am going to try to get on here more to post about relevant topics to this blog. I just wanted you to all know that I did not forget about you. I appreciate each and every one of you. I keep getting more and more subscribers and followers on twitter. I feel blessed to be doing something that can help make a difference, even if only to one person.
Please give me ideas for posts. If you would like to see me write about something, let me know. You can either leave it in a comment here or email it to me at email@example.com and I will try to write about every topic I get. I will also give credit to the requestor.
Thank you all for reading my blog. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for letting me be there for you.
Love and light,
P.S. I have recently realized that somehow after all that has come before in my life, my rose colored glasses do seem to be pretty much still intact. Some small cracks and some days I cannot find them, but for the most part I win.
Everyone has a mask. Whether their faces looks different with it on or not, it is there. Some people even have multiple masks. The masks generally fall into these kinds of categories:
1. Every day mask/Public mask
2. Work mask
3. New relationship mask
4. Party mask
5. Family mask
Now some people don’t wear these different faces. Some people have no reason to where them and just let their true natures be hanging out there all willy nilly. There are people out there that have never been injured or hurt by anyone. People who have never been raped or beaten or threatened or assaulted in any way. There are many times I feel jealous of those people. The people who have not ever been hurt and don’t know just how precious life is. Those people who don’t know what pain is and so cannot empathize with this pain that others feel. I know that there are a lot of people out in society like that but it honestly baffles me. How can someone live their entire life without having anything bad happen to them? How can I go back in time and make myself one of those people? Where do I sign up?
Alas, there is no time machine (yet!) and I cannot go back in time and undo the rapes, the assaults, the abuse, the miscarriages, the pills, the sex or anything that I have experienced. So, you may ask how it is that I did learn this very valuable lesson about hiding and letting go of the masks. I would of course then tell you that it is a very good question. To be honest, I do not know exactly how I did it.
I do know that I met my husband online when I was 24 and he was 17 and we were friends (JUST friends) online for a lot of years. He was a really nice guy and I had just gone through a divorce and we were both geeking out at some text based role play gaming. We kept in touch over the years. Then one day when I was 30 he asked if he could call me. I let him do that. He called and he asked me to do him a favor and take a chance on him. He said he had been in love with me since he was 17 and that I was his dream girl. I was stunned.
Not long before this, actually labor day weekend that same year, I had let a man that wanted to date me come to my house and bring his son. That man had raped me with his small son in the next room. I was nervous beyond belief. I was going to be at my house all alone with this guy that I had not ever been all alone with before. He flew in to the airport here in Indiana. He had been living in Georgia but was from Panama. He had been back and forth between Georgia and Panama most of his life. He was 23 and I know he was nervous too but he did not wear a mask. He was the very first person that I think I had ever met in the world that had absolutely no artifice to him whatsoever.
In time he moved to Indiana and we lived together for a while. We got married last year in November. We are coming up on our 1 year married and 3 year together anniversaries. In that time I have slowly let the masks fall away. I have let them go because I found that I do not need them anymore. I found safety. I found home.
This is not saying that you cannot have safety and home without a partner. This is saying that I found someone that I can feel safe with and know that he will not ever try to hurt me. It feels good to let my face breathe again. Maybe one day my rose colored glasses will be restored. One can only hope….
So many times I sat and cried,
Wondering what I could have done…
What could I have done differently?
What would have kept them away from me?
Why did that little girl not have a voice?
Why did they take away her choice?
I will never know the woman I was meant to be.
The me that I would have become had they not stolen her from me.
I will never know that sweet little girl again.
You know, I see her now and then
But she is too scared to come out for long
She pokes her head out when no one is looking
She darts back behind the curtains before she is seen
How do I find a way back to her?
How do I get back the life that they took from her?
How do I find my way home when home is nowhere yet everywhere all at once?
How did I ever get this far from who I am?
From who I was meant to be?
What could I have done to keep them away from me?
It was not my fault.
I will not shoulder the blame and the shame for what was stolen and murdered in me.
One day they will answer for what they have done.
One day they will know that they sealed their own fate.
Until that day I will just sit back and wait.
Dear Sweet Little Girl,
I know that you are hurting inside. You feel like everything you thought was a lie and no one cares about you. You feel like that boy that promised you forever…the one you should not have gone out with and should not have given yourself to… has turned the whole world against you. I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that you will grow up and yes, you will face hardships, but you are going to be ok. I wish that I could go back in time and hold you like you wished mom would have done. I wish that I could make it ok for you to tell her what she witnessed instead of letting her think that it was what you wanted too. If they ever invent a time machine I will do that, but for now I can just tell you that I love you and that it is ok to cry. It is ok to feel let down by all of those who you trusted to protect you and who didn’t. Know that you will meet someone who will make you feel ok again. He will make you feel loved and he will guard your heart. He will not be your forever but he will help you grow through this. He will help you through much sadness and teach you about joy again. You will meet good and bad people along the way. Know that there is a reason in everything. Do not ever let them steal your light and your life. Know that I am here for you and I love you. I love you because I am you. Looking back at you I wish that I could have done better for you when I was there. All I can do for now is tell you that I know you and I know your heartbreak and I will never let you down again.
Love and light,
Your 33 year old self
Ok so in a totally gross turn of events I will say that I have had to do hemacults which are disgusting (slides from excrement from back door) because there has been blood. There has been a lot of blood which was scary and I went to the doc and they made me do these culture thingys. It was thoroughly disgusting and I nearly threw up several times. All three came back positive for blood so they sent me to a gastroenterologist. The gastroentrologist sent me to the hospital to do blood work and prepare for a colonoscopy on Friday. I am worried about a great many things. I am worried about the pains that I have been having and the blood. I am worried that they will find something horribly wrong with me. I am worried that I will go into a flashback.
One of my ex boyfriends raped me anally. I am worried that when I am put into conscious sedation that I will go into a flashback. This is a very real possibility with them going through the back door. I want to talk to my doctor’s office about it but I did not even think about it before hand. I will try to call them tomorrow and see if they will be able to do something different because of my trauma.
To top it off they still have not sent my FMLA paperwork back to my office so my boss doesn’t have confirmation from HR that this will be covered under FMLA and short term disability….so I may have to use my last few vacation days now instead of having time off with my family at Christmas which sucks because I have actually never gotten to take that week of Christmas off and I was looking forward to finally having the seniority to do that. **Sighs**I am freaking out a little bit. I am sad that I have to be freaking out and that I have to worry about my money situation on top of the freaking out part.
It isn’t fair! Dammit I want my real life….The one where I don’t have to worry about flashbacks or triggers and I don’t have to go for gross tests and do even grosser cultures. The one where I am healthy, happy and free from stress and strain. Where can I go to get that life back?