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Too much physical pain to deal with mental and emotional pain….


I have been emotionally raw lately and not really able to write about it.  I find myself falling and failing at a lot of things that I have been trying to do.

The support group is having a VERY VERY slow start.  I am working with another woman on starting a group here in Columbus for the witches in the area.  It is hard being so alone in faith sometimes and at the holidays it gets worse.  This new group should be a good way for us to find community with each other, but even that is not without strife.

I find myself offending when I don’t mean to.  I find myself socially awkward.  I want to make plans and get the plans set in stone but that doesn’t happen and then I panic.  I have a very hard time dealing with waiting for someone else to make plans…sometimes even waiting for someone else to text me back.  It is not that I intend to offend anyone, but I do much better with structure and plans being made and set.  I don’t deal well with chaos.

It is spring and the aches and pains have been worse this spring than they were all winter.  I am hurting almost all the time…so I am moody and irritable.  My hubby and I keep fighting because of this.  I have arthritis.  It is possible that I have fibromyalgia…but I cannot afford to go have the testing done because I am still paying off my deductible from last year.

It is also possible that I have asperger’s syndrome, but I cannot afford that testing either.

I am hopeful that this will lessen soon.  I really hope that it does.  I don’t know how much more I can take of this pain.

I guess the good thing is that while I am hurting like this I don’t much think about the emotional stuff I have going on because it hurts too much to focus on much else.  **Sighs**Maybe one day I will move into a space where I am pain free….physically, mentally and emotionally….

 

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Spring has sprung and has put new life into my resolve


I have had one call regarding the support group with two people interested in the group.  Slow start, yes…but there are two people out there interested in my help and helping me and getting together to work together to get to good places in our lives.

In this wonderful spring not only have I gotten good news in the form of people calling about the support group, I have also met several other people in my town who are of the witchy persuasion and who are interested in getting together for full moon celebrations and to celebrate the Sabbats!  I am so excited to have two new circles going.  One that is survivor driven and one that is spirituality driven.  I am blessed.

Thank you Great Mother for the gifts that you have given me.  Thank you for all of the light you have shined into my life and thank you for the blessing of being able to find and help others and get help from others.  Thank you for letting me be able to teach others and learn from others.  I am so very blessed.

Love and light!!

Lucky

Today!


Today when I get home my business cards and postcards and banners and all of my goodies will be there in my mailbox!!  I cannot wait to get them open and start distributing!  I just wish that I was feeling better.  I have been sick for the past three days and just can’t seem to shake it.  Hope to feel better soon though.  I don’t have time to be sick.  I got too much going on!

Big News!!!


I have officially booked the room for the first three support group meetings!!! My business cards should be arriving soon. I also ordered post cards to post around town. I am really feeling like this is finally really coming together. I am nervous but really excited. I cannot wait for the meetings to begin. My husband keeps saying that I am going to end up as someone with a lot of influence. Whether I do or not this feels like such important work. I just wish that I had more time to devote to it!

OVER IT by Eve Ensler.


This is copied from the Huffington Post site.  This article was not written by me.  This was written by the brilliant Ms. Eve Ensler.  I read this and had to share it with you guys.  I am over it too.  I agree with the OCCUPYRAPE part.  Countdown to Vday 2013.  I will be sharing this with my support group when it gets started.  We are getting closer to that time!

 

I am over rape.

I am over rape culture, rape mentality, rape pages on Facebook.

I am over the thousands of people who signed those pages with their real names without shame.

I am over people demanding their right to rape pages, and calling it freedom of speech or justifying it as a joke.

I am over people not understanding that rape is not a joke and I am over being told I don’t have a sense of humor, and women don’t have a sense of humor, when most women I know (and I know a lot) are really fucking funny. We just don’t think that uninvited penises up our anus, or our vagina is a laugh riot.

I am over how long it seems to take anyone to ever respond to rape. I am over Facebook taking weeks to take down rape pages.

I am over the hundreds of thousands of women in Congo still waiting for the rapes to end and the rapists to be held accountable.

I am over the thousands of women in Bosnia, Burma, Pakistan, South Africa, Guatemala, Sierra Leone, Haiti, Afghanistan, Libya, you name a place, still waiting for justice.

I am over rape happening in broad daylight.

I am over the 207 clinics in Ecuador supported by the government that are capturing, raping, and torturing lesbians to make them straight.

I am over one in three women in the U.S military (Happy Veterans Day!) getting raped by their so-called “comrades.”

I am over the forces that deny women who have been raped the right to have an abortion.

I am over the fact that after four women came forward with allegations that Herman Cain groped them and grabbed them and humiliated them, he is still running for the President of the United States.

And I’m over CNBC debate host Maria Bartiromo getting booed when she asked him about it. She was booed, not Herman Cain.

Which reminds me, I am so over the students at Penn State who protested the justice system instead of the alleged rapist pedophile of at least 8 boys, or his boss Joe Paterno, who did nothing to protect those children after knowing what was happening to them.

I am over rape victims becoming re-raped when they go public.

I am over starving Somalian women being raped at the Dadaab refugee camp in Kenya, and I am over women getting raped at Occupy Wall Street and being quiet about it because they were protecting a movement which is fighting to end the pillaging and raping of the economy and the earth, as if the rape of their bodies was something separate.

I am over women still being silent about rape, because they are made to believe it’s their fault or they did something to make it happen.

I am over violence against women not being a #1 international priority when one out of three women will be raped or beaten in her lifetime — the destruction and muting and undermining of women is the destruction of life itself. No women, no future, duh.

I am over this rape culture where the privileged with political and physical and economic might, take what and who they want, when they want it, as much as they want, any time they want it. I am over the endless resurrection of the careers of rapists and sexual exploiters — film directors, world leaders, corporate executives, movie stars, athletes — while the lives of the women they violated are permanently destroyed, often forcing them to live in social and emotional exile.

I am over the passivity of good men. Where the hell are you? You live with us, make love with us, father us, befriend us, brother us, get nurtured and mothered and eternally supported by us, so why aren’t you standing with us? Why aren’t you driven to the point of madness and action by the rape and humiliation of us?

I am over years and years of being over rape.

And thinking about rape every day of my life since I was 5-years-old.

And getting sick from rape, and depressed from rape, and enraged by rape.

And reading my insanely crowded inbox of rape horror stories every hour of every single day.

I am over being polite about rape.

It’s been too long now, we have been too understanding.

We need to OCCUPYRAPE in every school, park, radio, TV station, household, office, factory, refugee camp, military base, back room, night club, alleyway, courtroom, UN office. We need people to truly try and imagine — once and for all — what it feels like to have your body invaded, your mind splintered, your soul shattered.

We need to let our rage and our compassion connect us so we can change the paradigm of global rape.

 There are approximately one billion women on the planet who have been violated.

ONE BILLION WOMEN.

The time is now.

Prepare for the escalation.

Today it begins, moving toward February 14, 2013, when one billion women will rise to end rape.

 Because we are over it.

How am I feeling now?


Well I am glad that you asked.  I am actually feeling pretty good.  I am sorry I have not posted a lot lately.  Things have been CRAZY busy.  The month of October usually is.  I finally finished my son’s blanket (which is fracking awesome!).  I have started saying Frack a lot instead of Fuck in an effort to curb the cursing.  I have gotten put on new medications which will hopefully take care of my lower regions medical woes and get me back to feeling better.  I am going onto a new med which should facilitate weight loss (YAY!) and the world seems to be looking up.

I have been doing a lot of house cleaning the past few days.  I spent 4 hours on laundry last night folding, hanging up, putting away, washing, drying….blah.  I have been doing dishes more regularly and making myself be up and moving around cooking and whatnot when I get home so that I don’t get as stiff. 

I am still looking to start that support group.  Any ideas on flyers or posters?  I am going to a retreat with my hubby next month for survivors (our anniversary weekend) and am hoping to get some good information there.

I did miss my cultural sensitivity training from INCASA.  I had to go to the dentist.  Actually, the first time in 13 years.  Pretty good though.  Only 3 cavities.  I knew I had periodontal disease but we are getting that treated and working towards keeping my teeth in my mouth where they belong.  So far so good.  I am glad I finally decided to go.  I don’t know why I was so scared to.

Anyways, I am going to try to get on here more to post about relevant topics to this blog.  I just wanted  you to all know that I did not forget about you.  I appreciate each and every one of you.  I keep getting more and more subscribers and followers on twitter.  I feel blessed to be doing something that can help make a difference, even if only to one person.

Please give me ideas for posts.  If you would like to see me write about something, let me know.  You can either leave it in a comment here or email it to  me at whereismyreallife@gmail.com and I will try to write about every topic I get.  I will also give credit to the requestor.

Thank you all for reading my blog.  Thank you for being there for me.  Thank you for letting me be there for you.

Love and light,

Lucky

P.S. I have recently realized that somehow after all that has come before in my life, my rose colored glasses do seem to be pretty much still intact.  Some small cracks and some days I cannot find them, but for the most part I win.

A letter to my 15 year old self


Dear Sweet Little Girl,

I know that you are hurting inside.  You feel like everything you thought was a lie and  no one cares about you.  You feel like that boy that promised you forever…the one you should not have gone out with and should not have given yourself to… has turned the whole world against you.  I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that you will grow up and yes, you will face hardships, but you are going to be ok.  I wish that I could go back in time and hold you like you wished mom would have done.  I wish that I could make it ok for you to tell her what she witnessed instead of letting her think that it was what you wanted too.  If they ever invent a time machine I will do that, but for now I can just tell you that I love you and that it is ok to cry.  It is ok to feel let down by all of those who you trusted to protect you and who didn’t.  Know that you will meet someone who will make you feel ok again.  He will make you feel loved and he will guard your heart.  He will not be your forever but he will help you grow through this.  He will help you through much sadness and teach you about joy again.  You will meet good and bad people along the way.  Know that there is a reason in everything.  Do not ever let them steal your light and your life.  Know that I am here for  you and I love you.  I love you because I am you.  Looking back at you I wish that I could have done better for you when I was there.  All I can do for now is tell you that I know you and I know your heartbreak and I will never let you down again.

Love and light,

Your 33 year old self

 

 

Tests to be done on Friday….Worried about flashback….


Ok so in a totally gross turn of events I will say that I have had to do hemacults which are disgusting (slides from excrement from back door) because there has been blood.  There has been a lot of blood which was scary and I went to the doc and they made me do these culture thingys.  It was thoroughly disgusting and I nearly threw up several times.  All three came back positive for blood so they sent me to a gastroenterologist.  The gastroentrologist sent me to the hospital to do blood work and prepare for a colonoscopy on Friday.  I am worried about a great many things.  I am worried about the pains that I have been having and the blood.  I am worried that they will find something horribly wrong with me.  I am worried that I will go into a flashback.

One of my ex boyfriends raped me anally.  I am worried that when I am put into conscious sedation that I will go into a flashback.  This is a very real possibility with them going through the back door.  I want to talk to my doctor’s office about it but I did not even think about it before hand.  I will try to call them tomorrow and see if they will be able to do something different because of my trauma.

To top it off they still have not sent my FMLA paperwork back to my office so my boss doesn’t have confirmation from HR that this will be covered under FMLA and short term disability….so I may have to use my last few vacation days now instead of having time off with my family at Christmas which sucks because I have actually never gotten to take that week of Christmas off and I was looking forward to finally having the seniority to do that. **Sighs**I am freaking out a little bit.  I am sad that I have to be freaking out and that I have to worry about my money situation on top of the freaking out part.

It isn’t fair!  Dammit I want my real life….The one where I don’t have to worry about flashbacks or triggers and I don’t have to go for gross tests and do even grosser cultures.  The one where I am healthy, happy and free from stress and strain.  Where can I go to get that life back?

Therapy again today


It went really well.  She thinks that I may be a bit manic…I just hope that is not followed by a depressive state.  Right now I have a ton of projects going on.

1. Working on getting the info for the support group to get that started.

2. Working on this blog.

3. Getting involved with INCASA

4. Possibly getting involved with RAINN.

5. Looking for a writing group here in town and if I cannot find one, going to start one.

6. Looking into starting a writing group.

7. Work.

8. Being a wife.

9. Being a mom.

10. Crocheting a blanket for my wonderful teenage son.  It is Xbox green, white and black striped.

11. Knitting a beautiful scarf for my lovely friend Emi.

12. Working on knitting a shawl for the daughter of the worlds coolest boss….my boss 🙂

13. Writing.

14. Working on making my husband feel loved and nurtured even though sometimes I cannot be physical.

15. Art projects.

16. Therapy

17.Trying to work on a new song that I have not told Hubby about yet because it is kind of for him.

So as you can see I have a lot going on and I don’t know where I am finding the time to do it all.  Sometimes it feels like I am doing so much that nothing gets done.  Sometimes it feels like I am so over committed that I cannot breathe.  My husband thinks that I do this to keep from having to deal with things.  Maybe he is right, but a lot of this I am doing so that I can deal with things.  Never ending cycle I guess.  I am working on it though.  Trying to stay positive and remain happy.  The world is my canvas…I will paint it to be what I want it to be….I will bend it to my will and it will be mine 🙂

Love and Light!

It is strange the things you remember….


Like I remember that the night that Chaun raped me I was wearing a pair of navy blue stirrup pants and a grey Georgetown Bulldogs sweatshirt.  I don’t know why I remember that…but I do….

Does anyone else out there have minor insignificant details that they remember when other things just seem to be lost to you?