This year I had scheduled to take today off of work. Unfortunately I ended up missing two days of work for being sick and was not able to take the day off because we were really busy here at work. Today I have been trying very hard not to feel this feeling and these feelings. Today I have tried very very hard not to let the past ruin the day and not to let myself see that day again over and over again in my head.
See the thing is, even though it has been 18 years today, I can still remember exactly what I was wearing, what we had for dinner, all of the events leading up to and following what happened. And I cannot shake it.
Today I am listening to Tori Amos and knowing that I am not alone. I am trying very hard to not cry today. Today is really hard for me.
I am sorry to everyone for not being here and for not posting like I had intended. I have been having a hard time with this day coming and now with it being here and I really think that I can go back to being better after this.
Silent All These Years makes me think of my childhood….and what happened….and those feelings I cannot shake….
I have officially booked the room for the first three support group meetings!!! My business cards should be arriving soon. I also ordered post cards to post around town. I am really feeling like this is finally really coming together. I am nervous but really excited. I cannot wait for the meetings to begin. My husband keeps saying that I am going to end up as someone with a lot of influence. Whether I do or not this feels like such important work. I just wish that I had more time to devote to it!
This is copied from the Huffington Post site. This article was not written by me. This was written by the brilliant Ms. Eve Ensler. I read this and had to share it with you guys. I am over it too. I agree with the OCCUPYRAPE part. Countdown to Vday 2013. I will be sharing this with my support group when it gets started. We are getting closer to that time!
I am over rape.
I am over rape culture, rape mentality, rape pages on Facebook.
I am over the thousands of people who signed those pages with their real names without shame.
I am over people demanding their right to rape pages, and calling it freedom of speech or justifying it as a joke.
I am over people not understanding that rape is not a joke and I am over being told I don’t have a sense of humor, and women don’t have a sense of humor, when most women I know (and I know a lot) are really fucking funny. We just don’t think that uninvited penises up our anus, or our vagina is a laugh riot.
I am over how long it seems to take anyone to ever respond to rape. I am over Facebook taking weeks to take down rape pages.
I am over the hundreds of thousands of women in Congo still waiting for the rapes to end and the rapists to be held accountable.
I am over the thousands of women in Bosnia, Burma, Pakistan, South Africa, Guatemala, Sierra Leone, Haiti, Afghanistan, Libya, you name a place, still waiting for justice.
I am over rape happening in broad daylight.
I am over the 207 clinics in Ecuador supported by the government that are capturing, raping, and torturing lesbians to make them straight.
I am over one in three women in the U.S military (Happy Veterans Day!) getting raped by their so-called “comrades.”
I am over the forces that deny women who have been raped the right to have an abortion.
And I’m over CNBC debate host Maria Bartiromo getting booed when she asked him about it. She was booed, not Herman Cain.
Which reminds me, I am so over the students at Penn State who protested the justice system instead of the alleged rapist pedophile of at least 8 boys, or his boss Joe Paterno, who did nothing to protect those children after knowing what was happening to them.
I am over rape victims becoming re-raped when they go public.
I am over starving Somalian women being raped at the Dadaab refugee camp in Kenya, and I am over women getting raped at Occupy Wall Street and being quiet about it because they were protecting a movement which is fighting to end the pillaging and raping of the economy and the earth, as if the rape of their bodies was something separate.
I am over women still being silent about rape, because they are made to believe it’s their fault or they did something to make it happen.
I am over violence against women not being a #1 international priority when one out of three women will be raped or beaten in her lifetime — the destruction and muting and undermining of women is the destruction of life itself. No women, no future, duh.
I am over this rape culture where the privileged with political and physical and economic might, take what and who they want, when they want it, as much as they want, any time they want it. I am over the endless resurrection of the careers of rapists and sexual exploiters — film directors, world leaders, corporate executives, movie stars, athletes — while the lives of the women they violated are permanently destroyed, often forcing them to live in social and emotional exile.
I am over the passivity of good men. Where the hell are you? You live with us, make love with us, father us, befriend us, brother us, get nurtured and mothered and eternally supported by us, so why aren’t you standing with us? Why aren’t you driven to the point of madness and action by the rape and humiliation of us?
I am over years and years of being over rape.
And thinking about rape every day of my life since I was 5-years-old.
And getting sick from rape, and depressed from rape, and enraged by rape.
And reading my insanely crowded inbox of rape horror stories every hour of every single day.
I am over being polite about rape.
It’s been too long now, we have been too understanding.
We need to OCCUPYRAPE in every school, park, radio, TV station, household, office, factory, refugee camp, military base, back room, night club, alleyway, courtroom, UN office. We need people to truly try and imagine — once and for all — what it feels like to have your body invaded, your mind splintered, your soul shattered.
We need to let our rage and our compassion connect us so we can change the paradigm of global rape.
There are approximately one billion women on the planet who have been violated.
ONE BILLION WOMEN.
The time is now.
Prepare for the escalation.
Today it begins, moving toward February 14, 2013, when one billion women will rise to end rape.
Because we are over it.
Dear Sweet Little Girl,
I know that you are hurting inside. You feel like everything you thought was a lie and no one cares about you. You feel like that boy that promised you forever…the one you should not have gone out with and should not have given yourself to… has turned the whole world against you. I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that you will grow up and yes, you will face hardships, but you are going to be ok. I wish that I could go back in time and hold you like you wished mom would have done. I wish that I could make it ok for you to tell her what she witnessed instead of letting her think that it was what you wanted too. If they ever invent a time machine I will do that, but for now I can just tell you that I love you and that it is ok to cry. It is ok to feel let down by all of those who you trusted to protect you and who didn’t. Know that you will meet someone who will make you feel ok again. He will make you feel loved and he will guard your heart. He will not be your forever but he will help you grow through this. He will help you through much sadness and teach you about joy again. You will meet good and bad people along the way. Know that there is a reason in everything. Do not ever let them steal your light and your life. Know that I am here for you and I love you. I love you because I am you. Looking back at you I wish that I could have done better for you when I was there. All I can do for now is tell you that I know you and I know your heartbreak and I will never let you down again.
Love and light,
Your 33 year old self
Ok so in a totally gross turn of events I will say that I have had to do hemacults which are disgusting (slides from excrement from back door) because there has been blood. There has been a lot of blood which was scary and I went to the doc and they made me do these culture thingys. It was thoroughly disgusting and I nearly threw up several times. All three came back positive for blood so they sent me to a gastroenterologist. The gastroentrologist sent me to the hospital to do blood work and prepare for a colonoscopy on Friday. I am worried about a great many things. I am worried about the pains that I have been having and the blood. I am worried that they will find something horribly wrong with me. I am worried that I will go into a flashback.
One of my ex boyfriends raped me anally. I am worried that when I am put into conscious sedation that I will go into a flashback. This is a very real possibility with them going through the back door. I want to talk to my doctor’s office about it but I did not even think about it before hand. I will try to call them tomorrow and see if they will be able to do something different because of my trauma.
To top it off they still have not sent my FMLA paperwork back to my office so my boss doesn’t have confirmation from HR that this will be covered under FMLA and short term disability….so I may have to use my last few vacation days now instead of having time off with my family at Christmas which sucks because I have actually never gotten to take that week of Christmas off and I was looking forward to finally having the seniority to do that. **Sighs**I am freaking out a little bit. I am sad that I have to be freaking out and that I have to worry about my money situation on top of the freaking out part.
It isn’t fair! Dammit I want my real life….The one where I don’t have to worry about flashbacks or triggers and I don’t have to go for gross tests and do even grosser cultures. The one where I am healthy, happy and free from stress and strain. Where can I go to get that life back?
Like I remember that the night that Chaun raped me I was wearing a pair of navy blue stirrup pants and a grey Georgetown Bulldogs sweatshirt. I don’t know why I remember that…but I do….
Does anyone else out there have minor insignificant details that they remember when other things just seem to be lost to you?
This post may be a little rambling. I apologize ahead of time for that. There is a vacuum cleaner running and I am having trouble focusing.
I have been thinking very seriously about starting to write a book. I don’t know if it would be a memoir type book or if I want it to be a fiction book. I am not sure what characters I would include if it was a fiction book. My therapist has suggested that I join a writing group…and I really do want to. I have not had any luck with finding one yet. I do so much better when I am given an idea of something to write. Once I have that idea or assignment, my mind just builds it all out almost immediately and then the only trouble is getting it all out and onto the page.
I did text based role play gaming on yahoo many years ago and for many years. I created a fantasy world and had many guests in that world along the way. In that world I acted out some of the things that happened to me on a fantastical scale with the female being stronger and being able to overcome what someone was doing to her…or with her getting revenge for what was done to her. It was so empowering to me in that moment to be able to write it and have it be so.
I wish that real life was that easy. I wish that in real life there was a way to just write how we want it to be and make it so. I thought that I was helping myself by doing the role play gaming but I have to wonder if I wasn’t just hurting myself more. It is confusing. It makes me sad to think that I contributed to my own feelings of fear and anger and sadness.
Another blog entry by someone perpetuating the rape culture and acting to normalize what tears lives apart:
I doubt that they will approve my comment so I have posted it here:
“How horrible of you to say such a thing. Do you have no concept of what rape is? You should be ashamed of yourself. It is people like you who normalize the word rape so much that it has lost all its meaning. Survivors of rape are criticized because “it isn’t that bad” or “its not the worst kind of rape, but it should be” is listed under a picture of a vandalized bicycle. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have someone, either stranger or worse yet someone you know and trusted, take away your life in one life shattering moment? To have someone force themselves into your body while you plead with them to stop and you pray for it to end or to just let you die? Posts like this are what makes people in the world think that rape is not such a bad thing. After all, it was just a bike that was vandalized. Seriously, you should think before you type. You should use other words. You should not contribute to the rape culture and the normalization of a serious crime. You probably will not approve this comment. You will probably laugh it off and not approve. That is fine. I am publishing it and a link to your picture on my blog. I will let others know that you are perpetuating the rape culture that hurts so very many victims and survivors of rape and sexual assault. You must be proud.”
Now maybe I am just too sensitive….but as a survivor this greatly offended me. What kind of horrible person says that their bike being vandalized is the worst type of rape out there. What kind of monster would think that what happened to a bike is more important than what I have been through, what you have been through, what millions of women all over the world have been through???????
I read a blog today in which the author kept referring to people who have been through rape or sexual assault as victims. Normally I just let it go and think of this as the terminology of someone who doesn’t understand. However, this time the person who was writing was doing the writing to try to show what life is like for a victim after the fact. I commented on this explaining that to call someone who has been through this horrible ordeal a victim, just serves to re-enforce that they are a victim instead of empowering them to be a survivor.
Having said this, I want to ask you all. Do you take issue with the word victim? Have you gotten to the point where you know you are a survivor? Do you feel that calling us victims is a bad thing that re-enforces that we are victims or that it is just a word that means nothing? I am asking you because I want to know your thoughts.
Personally I loathe the word victim. That was a part of my life where I let what had happened to me cloud my world, rule my ability to love and ruin my ability to be in a safe, happy and healthy relationship. That is why I named this blog VictimNoMore. Because I have moved past being a victim into the realm of survivor and I am much happier here.
In this post that I just finished reading, which was marked with the tag RAPE, I found nothing about surviving sexual assault or any real sexual assault at all. I found someone posting about Incest and Rape without an actual crime of incest or rape. The post was about how the baby boomer generation is screwing the youth out of their fair share. Seriously?? Here is the shortlink:
But I wouldn’t bother. The text of my comment is:
“As a survivor of sexual assault I find it VERY offensive that you are tossing about the term rape so casually. Call things what they are. Yes it is unfair and unjust that the baby boomer generation is screwing the young…this does NOT make it ok to belittle such a horrendous word and make it so pedestrian and benign. You should be ashamed of yourself for using the word rape as you have. It is thinking and posting like your’s that has deadened societies reaction to actual sexual assault and made the word rape something that can be joked about. Shame on you.”
Now maybe this is me being way too sensitive about it. My husband tells me I am too sensitive all the time. But seriously!!! We have to take this word back. We have to show people that it is NOT ok to use this word flippantly. It is not ok to say things like “I raped your page” when someone hacks into another person’s page. It is not ok to say “Rape” as a way to communicate force other than sexual force used against someone against their will. This kind of thing is what makes it so very hard for the real victims of real crimes to be taken seriously. People think “Rape, eh that’s not so bad…at least you weren’t financially raped” or things of that nature. Come on people! When are we, as a nation and as the human race going to realize just how serious this is???