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A mother’s heartbreak…


Ok so any of you that have read my blog know that I have one teenage son with aspergers.  You may also know that I have 9 angel babies that I never got to hold.  You may also have occasion to know that that is all I will ever have because I had a hysterectomy last year after battling PCOS for many years and finally not being able to stand it any longer.  For those who don’t know, please read up on my blogs.

Last night I called my son while leaving work, like I do every single day.  A call in the morning, a call after work and a call to say goodnight.  Last night he informed me that he was going to spend this next weekend hanging out with his friend instead of coming home.  He has not been home for the past two weekends.  This generally would hurt my feelings but not reduce me to tears.  Generally.  This coming weekend is Mother’s Day.  This coming weekend should be a time for him to come home and say thanks for being his mom, for us to spend the day together doing fun stuff that we both enjoy.  But no.  No mother’s day for me this year.

He had informed me that Mother’s Day is just another day to him.  That it doesn’t mean anything really.  This, of course, was after  he informed me that since I only saw him every other weekend I was barely a parent.  This was also after he informed me that my husband, the guy who he told me he loved like a dad, was annoying and that he didn’t think of anyone as a dad.

This breaks my heart.  But I know it is not his fault.  These are the things that go along with him being an aspie.  He lacks that empathy that typical minded folks  have.  But living with his grandmother, instead of being taught to look for these moments and learn how to behave so as not to hurt others, he is being taught that “This is how I am, take it or leave it.”  Now generally this would be what I would want for him, but not to the point where he doesn’t care who he hurts or how badly.

And she told me that she was ok with him not coming home to me on mother’s day because “He is home”.  Last night I did not call my son to tell him goodnight.  I prayed that he would call me.  He did not.  I guess she is going to keep on until she finds a way to cut me out of his life completely.  I just wish that I knew what I could possibly have done to make her hate me so much that she has to harm him to hurt me.

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I may never have seen your face, but I will carry you in my heart forever


There is this dream I have had many times over and again.  In this dream I am standing in this beautiful wide open space surrounded by trees and the sunlight is streaming down and there is this beautiful little girl smiling up at me.  She is smiling up at me and laughing and we are playing and dancing around.  She has long light brown hair and she has soft pink tinted cheeks and she has big beautiful brown eyes and she has dimples on both sides.  She is the sweetest thing.  She is probably about 3 years old.  She is my child, in this dream, and we have this joyful moment that is just ours.

There is another dream I have.  It is of a boy who would now be getting ready to turn 18.  He would be in his senior year of high school.  He would be tall and he would have curly hair.  His eyes would be green.  He would have freckles and a ready smile for everyone.  He would be well liked.  He would get good grades (or at least better than his mom did) and he would be planning for his future.

There is another dream that I have often.  In this dream the little boy is going on 12.  He has dark brown hair, brown eyes and a calm kind smile.  He is bookish and smart.  He likes video games but not as much as his older brother does.  He struggles with math but does his best.  He snuggles up to me and tells me that I am the best mama in the world like his older brother does.

There are other dreams that are more vague.  There are 5 boys and 4 girls.  All different but similar.  These are my babies that I never got to hold here on Earth.  One day I know that I will be reunited with them in the Summerland.  I will know peace and joy and the love of my children.

I have a 13 year old son who is my world.  He does not know about his brothers or sisters.  I have not told him and I do not know if I ever will.  It is a terrible thing to lose a child.  I have a child who is living and 9 who are not.  I am a mother of 10 but have only gotten to hold 1 in my arms.  I have only gotten to kiss the top of 1 child’s head.  I have only gotten to rub 1 child’s stomach when it aches.  I have only gotten to hold 1 child close while they were sick/scared/sad.  I am a mother without all of her children and while I know that I would not have been able to take care of 10 babies, there would not have been 10 of them if I had been able to carry them to term.  So I am a mother of 9 angel babies and 1 living teenage boy.  I love all of my children.  I love them all with all of my heart.  I carry my angels with me in my heart and in my dreams every single day of my life.

I am getting to a breaking point…I may snap….


So my husband and I were awakened today by  my son knocking on the door to tell us he didn’t feel good.  My husband had the idea that my son should drink a glass of milk and take a hot bath.  What the hell???  A child that is sick does not need milk which can curdle in their stomach and does not need a “hot bath” when they are already running a fever.  I gave him some ibuprofen and asked my husband to get him some sprite.  So instead of getting a 2ltr of sprite he goes to hardee’s and gets breakfast and gets him a large sprite…like this is going to be enough for the poor kid who is sick.

After he comes home, said kid gets to feeling somewhat better and plays video games for a while so husband reiterates that a hot bath may be a good idea.  I said no but kiddo listened to his step dad because after all what does mama know, right?  Well kid takes hot bath and gets so nauseous this time he throws up.  Throws up after just taking ibuprofen so do not know if he got any of the medicine or not….can’t give him more…now my mother, which has custody of my kiddo calls and is told how my husband told him to drink milk and take a hot bath and she is in an uproar and wanting to come get him now and making me feel like I don’t know what the hell I am doing about being a mom and taking care of my sick kid….

Oh I forgot to mention that during all of this I had bought stuff yesterday to make my husband a caramel apple pie and so I was looking up the recipe and since I did not know the recipe off the top of my head like some kind of baking genius, and actually had to look up a recipe, then I was told I didn’t know what I was doing with that and if I had to look up the pie recipe he might as well do it himself.  Then he had the nerve to tell me how if I wanted to do something nice for someone I should ask them what they want instead of just assuming.  This is the manipulative shit he pulls on me when I am trying to do something nice and he makes me feel like shit for it.  Tells me if I had just asked him what he wanted then I would not have been so disappointed when he didn’t want what I was doing.  I didn’t ask him because I was going to surprise him with this beautiful caramel apple pie that he said was his favorite type of pie and that he had been asking for for a few years but I had not had the time or motivation to make it for him before.  So I was trying to make this as a surprise for him and he shits all over it and then tells me how it is my fault that he did that because I didn’t ask him first.  What kind of abusive manipulative shit is that??????  And the worst part is that he doesn’t even realize he is abusing me with this talk and this attitude.  He thinks that his behavior and his saying these things is helpful to me.  I do not know how someone can be so far off the mark as to think that this is helpful.  How can he not see that he is being very hurtful and mentally abusive to me????  How can he not see that????  And the bad part is that he is going to read this and then he is going to get all sullen and then he is going to make me feel bad for feeling this way and then he will do the same thing all over again.  This is mental cruelty that he is doing and he refuses to see it.

Oh and did I mention that this is all going on while I am trying to take care of my sick kid that has a temperature over 101?  My kid is sick and now getting upset that his mom is being talked to this way and his step dad is being hurtful and emotionally harmful to his mom while he is trying to not throw up….and I am trying not to do anything more to make my kid feel worse…trying to help him feel better and getting berated for trying to do something nice.  Being bullied because I did not have a memorized recipe and I didn’t ASK HIM before I bought the stuff to make him something he said was his favorite dessert.  Like I have to ASK HIM if I want to surprise him with anything.

My therapist told me that I should do things to make my husband feel special and less insecure and be more intimate with him.  I told him that and then came home to him thinking about all the ways that I can make him feel good….not about how he can make me feel good in return but how I can make him feel good.  As if he hadn’t had enough selfish tendencies when it comes to having sex anyways.  Now it comes back full circle to me actually trying to open back up to him after all these months of trying to let go of him being so selfish in the beginning and get back to being giving like I had always been before and he is going right back to the selfishness.