I have had one call regarding the support group with two people interested in the group. Slow start, yes…but there are two people out there interested in my help and helping me and getting together to work together to get to good places in our lives.
In this wonderful spring not only have I gotten good news in the form of people calling about the support group, I have also met several other people in my town who are of the witchy persuasion and who are interested in getting together for full moon celebrations and to celebrate the Sabbats! I am so excited to have two new circles going. One that is survivor driven and one that is spirituality driven. I am blessed.
Thank you Great Mother for the gifts that you have given me. Thank you for all of the light you have shined into my life and thank you for the blessing of being able to find and help others and get help from others. Thank you for letting me be able to teach others and learn from others. I am so very blessed.
Love and light!!
Now don’t get me wrong….I do not feel this way now. I have in the past, though. Randomly, out of the blue, I would just start feeling like everyone was talking about me. Like they were all out to get me into some sort of trouble.
I know what you are thinking (see still a bit paranoid)…You are thinking “This chick has lost her mind!”
What you might not realize is that I am not alone. As a survivor of a crime perpetrated by someone that was a friend/aquaintance/love/partner it is not uncommon. I have found, through talking with other survivors, that we do tend to have a bit of paranoia going on. Some would even say “A healthy dose of paranoia keeps you safe.” But when is it too much?
I, personally, have had times when I felt like I could lock myself away from the entire world because I couldn’t trust anyone. I know that this is not a healthy dose of paranoia…this is more like OD’ing on paranoia.
I would like to invite you all to open this discussion up. I would like to have an open dialogue with you, my readers, to know your thoughts on this and share my own. I feel that it is important to openly communicate on this one. I think we could learn alot from each other.
Love and light,
Well I am glad that you asked. I am actually feeling pretty good. I am sorry I have not posted a lot lately. Things have been CRAZY busy. The month of October usually is. I finally finished my son’s blanket (which is fracking awesome!). I have started saying Frack a lot instead of Fuck in an effort to curb the cursing. I have gotten put on new medications which will hopefully take care of my lower regions medical woes and get me back to feeling better. I am going onto a new med which should facilitate weight loss (YAY!) and the world seems to be looking up.
I have been doing a lot of house cleaning the past few days. I spent 4 hours on laundry last night folding, hanging up, putting away, washing, drying….blah. I have been doing dishes more regularly and making myself be up and moving around cooking and whatnot when I get home so that I don’t get as stiff.
I am still looking to start that support group. Any ideas on flyers or posters? I am going to a retreat with my hubby next month for survivors (our anniversary weekend) and am hoping to get some good information there.
I did miss my cultural sensitivity training from INCASA. I had to go to the dentist. Actually, the first time in 13 years. Pretty good though. Only 3 cavities. I knew I had periodontal disease but we are getting that treated and working towards keeping my teeth in my mouth where they belong. So far so good. I am glad I finally decided to go. I don’t know why I was so scared to.
Anyways, I am going to try to get on here more to post about relevant topics to this blog. I just wanted you to all know that I did not forget about you. I appreciate each and every one of you. I keep getting more and more subscribers and followers on twitter. I feel blessed to be doing something that can help make a difference, even if only to one person.
Please give me ideas for posts. If you would like to see me write about something, let me know. You can either leave it in a comment here or email it to me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will try to write about every topic I get. I will also give credit to the requestor.
Thank you all for reading my blog. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for letting me be there for you.
Love and light,
P.S. I have recently realized that somehow after all that has come before in my life, my rose colored glasses do seem to be pretty much still intact. Some small cracks and some days I cannot find them, but for the most part I win.
Everyone has a mask. Whether their faces looks different with it on or not, it is there. Some people even have multiple masks. The masks generally fall into these kinds of categories:
1. Every day mask/Public mask
2. Work mask
3. New relationship mask
4. Party mask
5. Family mask
Now some people don’t wear these different faces. Some people have no reason to where them and just let their true natures be hanging out there all willy nilly. There are people out there that have never been injured or hurt by anyone. People who have never been raped or beaten or threatened or assaulted in any way. There are many times I feel jealous of those people. The people who have not ever been hurt and don’t know just how precious life is. Those people who don’t know what pain is and so cannot empathize with this pain that others feel. I know that there are a lot of people out in society like that but it honestly baffles me. How can someone live their entire life without having anything bad happen to them? How can I go back in time and make myself one of those people? Where do I sign up?
Alas, there is no time machine (yet!) and I cannot go back in time and undo the rapes, the assaults, the abuse, the miscarriages, the pills, the sex or anything that I have experienced. So, you may ask how it is that I did learn this very valuable lesson about hiding and letting go of the masks. I would of course then tell you that it is a very good question. To be honest, I do not know exactly how I did it.
I do know that I met my husband online when I was 24 and he was 17 and we were friends (JUST friends) online for a lot of years. He was a really nice guy and I had just gone through a divorce and we were both geeking out at some text based role play gaming. We kept in touch over the years. Then one day when I was 30 he asked if he could call me. I let him do that. He called and he asked me to do him a favor and take a chance on him. He said he had been in love with me since he was 17 and that I was his dream girl. I was stunned.
Not long before this, actually labor day weekend that same year, I had let a man that wanted to date me come to my house and bring his son. That man had raped me with his small son in the next room. I was nervous beyond belief. I was going to be at my house all alone with this guy that I had not ever been all alone with before. He flew in to the airport here in Indiana. He had been living in Georgia but was from Panama. He had been back and forth between Georgia and Panama most of his life. He was 23 and I know he was nervous too but he did not wear a mask. He was the very first person that I think I had ever met in the world that had absolutely no artifice to him whatsoever.
In time he moved to Indiana and we lived together for a while. We got married last year in November. We are coming up on our 1 year married and 3 year together anniversaries. In that time I have slowly let the masks fall away. I have let them go because I found that I do not need them anymore. I found safety. I found home.
This is not saying that you cannot have safety and home without a partner. This is saying that I found someone that I can feel safe with and know that he will not ever try to hurt me. It feels good to let my face breathe again. Maybe one day my rose colored glasses will be restored. One can only hope….
There is this dream I have had many times over and again. In this dream I am standing in this beautiful wide open space surrounded by trees and the sunlight is streaming down and there is this beautiful little girl smiling up at me. She is smiling up at me and laughing and we are playing and dancing around. She has long light brown hair and she has soft pink tinted cheeks and she has big beautiful brown eyes and she has dimples on both sides. She is the sweetest thing. She is probably about 3 years old. She is my child, in this dream, and we have this joyful moment that is just ours.
There is another dream I have. It is of a boy who would now be getting ready to turn 18. He would be in his senior year of high school. He would be tall and he would have curly hair. His eyes would be green. He would have freckles and a ready smile for everyone. He would be well liked. He would get good grades (or at least better than his mom did) and he would be planning for his future.
There is another dream that I have often. In this dream the little boy is going on 12. He has dark brown hair, brown eyes and a calm kind smile. He is bookish and smart. He likes video games but not as much as his older brother does. He struggles with math but does his best. He snuggles up to me and tells me that I am the best mama in the world like his older brother does.
There are other dreams that are more vague. There are 5 boys and 4 girls. All different but similar. These are my babies that I never got to hold here on Earth. One day I know that I will be reunited with them in the Summerland. I will know peace and joy and the love of my children.
I have a 13 year old son who is my world. He does not know about his brothers or sisters. I have not told him and I do not know if I ever will. It is a terrible thing to lose a child. I have a child who is living and 9 who are not. I am a mother of 10 but have only gotten to hold 1 in my arms. I have only gotten to kiss the top of 1 child’s head. I have only gotten to rub 1 child’s stomach when it aches. I have only gotten to hold 1 child close while they were sick/scared/sad. I am a mother without all of her children and while I know that I would not have been able to take care of 10 babies, there would not have been 10 of them if I had been able to carry them to term. So I am a mother of 9 angel babies and 1 living teenage boy. I love all of my children. I love them all with all of my heart. I carry my angels with me in my heart and in my dreams every single day of my life.
To my 9 angel babies:
My dearest darling babies,
Still in that place between sleep and awake I see you. I see you all and I see what you could have been…I see our life as it could have been had you lived. I miss you terribly. My heart aches for you. My arms long to hug you and my hands to stroke your hair. I love you. You will always be remembered. You will never be forgotten.
P.S. Your brother is getting big now. I wish he could have known you all.