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Sometimes there are blessings in loss….


This past weekend was a very hard one for me.  My best friend Moni moved 15 hours away.  With her went her two youngest boys and her hubby.  Now I have not known them for very long, compared to other people I consider best friends.  We have not been friends for years, rather months.  But in that 6 months since I met her, she has become like the sister I always wished that my sister was to me.

She and I share a history of things that have happened to us.  I pray one day that she is strong enough and confident enough in herself to write her story and tell what happened to her.  But until then I will continue to be among the very few who know how amazing it is that she is who she is.

This weekend when she pulled out of my drive for the last time I held it together til I got in the house and then I cried.  My kiddo hugged me tightly.  He hugged me and just stood and held me for a few.  That felt really good.

Yesterday….All my troubles seemed so far away….


I am sorry that it has been so long since I have posted.  Things have been going kind of crazy with me.

Yesterday, against my better judgement, my husband and I drove up to Indianapolis for the Family Reunion.  I have not gone to one in a lot of years.  Mostly I do not go because I am not skinny and the family tends to poke at weight issues.  Not that I have issues with my weight.  I am comfortable in my skin but they like to poke and that hurts.  I had just pulled up to the site and gotten out of the car.  My sister came over to get her Diet Pepsi and joke with me and my husband.  We walked over to the shade and then I heard some of the family members freaking out.  I looked in and it was my Grandma that they were crowding around.  My Grandma lost consciousness and hit the floor.  Actually she was lowered onto the floor by several family members.  My cousin called the ambulance.  I got my MR uncle into my car.  My sister took my husband and my cousin and we all headed to the hospital.  A bunch of us went there but not all.  Not even all the ones that were bawling their eyes out and being dramatic.  Anyway, back to what happened.  We got to the hospital and had to wait a long while.  I kept my MR uncle calm along with my sister and my other uncle and my cousin.  My mom got there a bit later.  We finally got to go back with Grandma and it turned out that she had dehydrated and it was possible her meds (or lack of taking them that morning) had been the cause.  Her blood pressure dropped scary dangerously low.  They admitted her and we all went up to her room for a while.

Today I called and my MR uncle was crying wanting me to come get him, so I looked at my hubby and said I was going to go.  He was totally ok with this.  I love my hubby.  I showered and hit the road.  I was there in pretty good time.  I took my uncle to Wal-Mart and we got grandma flowers and a vase and a new house coat.  She hates hospital gowns as much as anyone else so I did not want to leave her in one longer than I had to. We got up to the hospital and grandma said her potassium level was low and that there may be some kind of internal bleeding because she is anemic but they do not know where.  I was up there most of the day.  I do not want to go to work tomorrow.  I want to go back up and be with her.  This is so scary to me.

The thing that upsets me the most about it is how I have to be strong and can’t be upset about it because I have to take care of people.  Then by the time that I am able to fall apart everything is getting better and most people are all “what are you crying for now?  she is ok” but dammit I hate having to be strong.

Last night when we got back to our town, I broke down crying in the gas station parking lot.  Then when I was finally calmed, I went in to get a polar pop.   While I was getting it, this girl came up and said “Have you ever had one of those days where everything goes wrong?”  I said “Yeah my grandma collapsed at the family reunion today and is in the hospital.”  She then told me that she was a victim of domestic violence and had gone to the local shelter and they had turned her away.  I did not ask why they turned her away.  I did recommend she contact INCASA.  I told her I had been there and that she needed to do what she needed to do to get herself safe.  She left very quickly.  I pray that she was able to find someplace safe to go.

I am sorry if this is a bit disjointed.  I am really tired and trying to get this all out.  I am a wreck.  I want my grandma to be ok.  I want to know that she is ok.  I want her to not ever be sick and never die.  Unfortunately I know that this is not possible.  She will be 86 in 5 days.  I know that I may not have her much longer.  Dammit it is not fair.

I may never have seen your face, but I will carry you in my heart forever


There is this dream I have had many times over and again.  In this dream I am standing in this beautiful wide open space surrounded by trees and the sunlight is streaming down and there is this beautiful little girl smiling up at me.  She is smiling up at me and laughing and we are playing and dancing around.  She has long light brown hair and she has soft pink tinted cheeks and she has big beautiful brown eyes and she has dimples on both sides.  She is the sweetest thing.  She is probably about 3 years old.  She is my child, in this dream, and we have this joyful moment that is just ours.

There is another dream I have.  It is of a boy who would now be getting ready to turn 18.  He would be in his senior year of high school.  He would be tall and he would have curly hair.  His eyes would be green.  He would have freckles and a ready smile for everyone.  He would be well liked.  He would get good grades (or at least better than his mom did) and he would be planning for his future.

There is another dream that I have often.  In this dream the little boy is going on 12.  He has dark brown hair, brown eyes and a calm kind smile.  He is bookish and smart.  He likes video games but not as much as his older brother does.  He struggles with math but does his best.  He snuggles up to me and tells me that I am the best mama in the world like his older brother does.

There are other dreams that are more vague.  There are 5 boys and 4 girls.  All different but similar.  These are my babies that I never got to hold here on Earth.  One day I know that I will be reunited with them in the Summerland.  I will know peace and joy and the love of my children.

I have a 13 year old son who is my world.  He does not know about his brothers or sisters.  I have not told him and I do not know if I ever will.  It is a terrible thing to lose a child.  I have a child who is living and 9 who are not.  I am a mother of 10 but have only gotten to hold 1 in my arms.  I have only gotten to kiss the top of 1 child’s head.  I have only gotten to rub 1 child’s stomach when it aches.  I have only gotten to hold 1 child close while they were sick/scared/sad.  I am a mother without all of her children and while I know that I would not have been able to take care of 10 babies, there would not have been 10 of them if I had been able to carry them to term.  So I am a mother of 9 angel babies and 1 living teenage boy.  I love all of my children.  I love them all with all of my heart.  I carry my angels with me in my heart and in my dreams every single day of my life.

It is just not fucking fair!!!


Why is it that so many out there get to have baby after baby and oops pregnant again????  Why the hell is it that I have had to go through the  loss of 9 babies when so many out there just seem to breathe on a man and get pregnant???  It is not fucking fair!  It is not fucking right!  There are fucking horrible people out there that have babies and then abuse them but they just keep right on having babies.  I read this shit about a woman who raped her 10 month old son….let me repeat that so you get the full horror of it RAPED HER 10 MONTH OLD SON.  Bet she didn’t  have any trouble getting pregnant.  Bet she still has her ovaries and uterus and they work just fine.  It fucking makes me sick!!

Missing my babies that I never got to hold….


To my 9 angel babies:

My dearest darling babies,

Still in that place between sleep and awake I see you.  I see you all and I see what you could have been…I see our life as it could have been had you lived.  I miss you terribly.  My heart aches for you.  My arms long to hug you and my hands to stroke your hair.  I love you.  You will always be remembered.  You will never be forgotten.

Mama

P.S. Your brother is getting big now.  I wish he could have known you all.

Rape is a murder of the self


So many times I sat and cried,

Wondering what I could have done…

What could I have done differently?

What would have kept them away from me?

Why did that little girl not have a voice?

Why did they take away her choice?

I will never know the woman I was meant to be.

The me that I would have become had they not stolen her from me.

I will never know that sweet little girl again.

You know, I see her now and then

But she is too scared to come out for long

She pokes her head out when no one is looking

She darts back behind the curtains before she is seen

How do I find a way back to her?

How do I get back the life that they took from her?

How do I find my way home when home is nowhere yet everywhere all at once?

How did I ever get this far from who I am?

From who I was meant to be?

What could I have done to keep them away from me?

Nothing.

It was not my fault.

I will not shoulder the blame and the shame for what was stolen and murdered in me.

One day they will answer for what they have done.

One day they will know that they sealed their own fate.

Until that day I will just sit back and wait.

A letter to my 15 year old self


Dear Sweet Little Girl,

I know that you are hurting inside.  You feel like everything you thought was a lie and  no one cares about you.  You feel like that boy that promised you forever…the one you should not have gone out with and should not have given yourself to… has turned the whole world against you.  I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that you will grow up and yes, you will face hardships, but you are going to be ok.  I wish that I could go back in time and hold you like you wished mom would have done.  I wish that I could make it ok for you to tell her what she witnessed instead of letting her think that it was what you wanted too.  If they ever invent a time machine I will do that, but for now I can just tell you that I love you and that it is ok to cry.  It is ok to feel let down by all of those who you trusted to protect you and who didn’t.  Know that you will meet someone who will make you feel ok again.  He will make you feel loved and he will guard your heart.  He will not be your forever but he will help you grow through this.  He will help you through much sadness and teach you about joy again.  You will meet good and bad people along the way.  Know that there is a reason in everything.  Do not ever let them steal your light and your life.  Know that I am here for  you and I love you.  I love you because I am you.  Looking back at you I wish that I could have done better for you when I was there.  All I can do for now is tell you that I know you and I know your heartbreak and I will never let you down again.

Love and light,

Your 33 year old self

 

 

It is strange the things you remember….


Like I remember that the night that Chaun raped me I was wearing a pair of navy blue stirrup pants and a grey Georgetown Bulldogs sweatshirt.  I don’t know why I remember that…but I do….

Does anyone else out there have minor insignificant details that they remember when other things just seem to be lost to you?

I did it….and it felt great….


I went to my counseling appointment today.  And it was amazing.  She was so easy to talk with and she was sooooo open and down to earth.  No judgement whatsoever.  It made me feel so good and even though it was hard to say out loud the things that have happened to me….it was easier with her there helping keep me talking.  She was very encouraging.  She even thought that my idea of starting a support group here in our town was a great idea.  I think that I am going to start working on that idea a little more seriously.  I am also going to start working on finding a writing group and see if I can maybe work towards writing that book that I keep thinking about.  All in all, it was a wonderful experience and I am very glad that I took that step.

Today is the day….


Ok so today is the day that I start counseling.  I am glad to finally be starting with this and to finally be in a place where I can work on this issue….however…..it is scary.  I am very much a caretaker and I am very very much a giver….not quite so good with the taking care of myself or taking for myself.  I am a cancer (couldn’t you guess that??) and am very much the embodiment of a person with this particular astrological sign.  I hope to have a lot more to post about tonight after my first session.  Maybe that hefty dose of garlic at lunch wasn’t such a good idea….tic tac, anyone?