Ok so any of you that have read my blog know that I have one teenage son with aspergers. You may also know that I have 9 angel babies that I never got to hold. You may also have occasion to know that that is all I will ever have because I had a hysterectomy last year after battling PCOS for many years and finally not being able to stand it any longer. For those who don’t know, please read up on my blogs.
Last night I called my son while leaving work, like I do every single day. A call in the morning, a call after work and a call to say goodnight. Last night he informed me that he was going to spend this next weekend hanging out with his friend instead of coming home. He has not been home for the past two weekends. This generally would hurt my feelings but not reduce me to tears. Generally. This coming weekend is Mother’s Day. This coming weekend should be a time for him to come home and say thanks for being his mom, for us to spend the day together doing fun stuff that we both enjoy. But no. No mother’s day for me this year.
He had informed me that Mother’s Day is just another day to him. That it doesn’t mean anything really. This, of course, was after he informed me that since I only saw him every other weekend I was barely a parent. This was also after he informed me that my husband, the guy who he told me he loved like a dad, was annoying and that he didn’t think of anyone as a dad.
This breaks my heart. But I know it is not his fault. These are the things that go along with him being an aspie. He lacks that empathy that typical minded folks have. But living with his grandmother, instead of being taught to look for these moments and learn how to behave so as not to hurt others, he is being taught that “This is how I am, take it or leave it.” Now generally this would be what I would want for him, but not to the point where he doesn’t care who he hurts or how badly.
And she told me that she was ok with him not coming home to me on mother’s day because “He is home”. Last night I did not call my son to tell him goodnight. I prayed that he would call me. He did not. I guess she is going to keep on until she finds a way to cut me out of his life completely. I just wish that I knew what I could possibly have done to make her hate me so much that she has to harm him to hurt me.
Ok so in a totally gross turn of events I will say that I have had to do hemacults which are disgusting (slides from excrement from back door) because there has been blood. There has been a lot of blood which was scary and I went to the doc and they made me do these culture thingys. It was thoroughly disgusting and I nearly threw up several times. All three came back positive for blood so they sent me to a gastroenterologist. The gastroentrologist sent me to the hospital to do blood work and prepare for a colonoscopy on Friday. I am worried about a great many things. I am worried about the pains that I have been having and the blood. I am worried that they will find something horribly wrong with me. I am worried that I will go into a flashback.
One of my ex boyfriends raped me anally. I am worried that when I am put into conscious sedation that I will go into a flashback. This is a very real possibility with them going through the back door. I want to talk to my doctor’s office about it but I did not even think about it before hand. I will try to call them tomorrow and see if they will be able to do something different because of my trauma.
To top it off they still have not sent my FMLA paperwork back to my office so my boss doesn’t have confirmation from HR that this will be covered under FMLA and short term disability….so I may have to use my last few vacation days now instead of having time off with my family at Christmas which sucks because I have actually never gotten to take that week of Christmas off and I was looking forward to finally having the seniority to do that. **Sighs**I am freaking out a little bit. I am sad that I have to be freaking out and that I have to worry about my money situation on top of the freaking out part.
It isn’t fair! Dammit I want my real life….The one where I don’t have to worry about flashbacks or triggers and I don’t have to go for gross tests and do even grosser cultures. The one where I am healthy, happy and free from stress and strain. Where can I go to get that life back?