I have been emotionally raw lately and not really able to write about it. I find myself falling and failing at a lot of things that I have been trying to do.
The support group is having a VERY VERY slow start. I am working with another woman on starting a group here in Columbus for the witches in the area. It is hard being so alone in faith sometimes and at the holidays it gets worse. This new group should be a good way for us to find community with each other, but even that is not without strife.
I find myself offending when I don’t mean to. I find myself socially awkward. I want to make plans and get the plans set in stone but that doesn’t happen and then I panic. I have a very hard time dealing with waiting for someone else to make plans…sometimes even waiting for someone else to text me back. It is not that I intend to offend anyone, but I do much better with structure and plans being made and set. I don’t deal well with chaos.
It is spring and the aches and pains have been worse this spring than they were all winter. I am hurting almost all the time…so I am moody and irritable. My hubby and I keep fighting because of this. I have arthritis. It is possible that I have fibromyalgia…but I cannot afford to go have the testing done because I am still paying off my deductible from last year.
It is also possible that I have asperger’s syndrome, but I cannot afford that testing either.
I am hopeful that this will lessen soon. I really hope that it does. I don’t know how much more I can take of this pain.
I guess the good thing is that while I am hurting like this I don’t much think about the emotional stuff I have going on because it hurts too much to focus on much else. **Sighs**Maybe one day I will move into a space where I am pain free….physically, mentally and emotionally….
This is copied from the Huffington Post site. This article was not written by me. This was written by the brilliant Ms. Eve Ensler. I read this and had to share it with you guys. I am over it too. I agree with the OCCUPYRAPE part. Countdown to Vday 2013. I will be sharing this with my support group when it gets started. We are getting closer to that time!
I am over rape.
I am over rape culture, rape mentality, rape pages on Facebook.
I am over the thousands of people who signed those pages with their real names without shame.
I am over people demanding their right to rape pages, and calling it freedom of speech or justifying it as a joke.
I am over people not understanding that rape is not a joke and I am over being told I don’t have a sense of humor, and women don’t have a sense of humor, when most women I know (and I know a lot) are really fucking funny. We just don’t think that uninvited penises up our anus, or our vagina is a laugh riot.
I am over how long it seems to take anyone to ever respond to rape. I am over Facebook taking weeks to take down rape pages.
I am over the hundreds of thousands of women in Congo still waiting for the rapes to end and the rapists to be held accountable.
I am over the thousands of women in Bosnia, Burma, Pakistan, South Africa, Guatemala, Sierra Leone, Haiti, Afghanistan, Libya, you name a place, still waiting for justice.
I am over rape happening in broad daylight.
I am over the 207 clinics in Ecuador supported by the government that are capturing, raping, and torturing lesbians to make them straight.
I am over one in three women in the U.S military (Happy Veterans Day!) getting raped by their so-called “comrades.”
I am over the forces that deny women who have been raped the right to have an abortion.
And I’m over CNBC debate host Maria Bartiromo getting booed when she asked him about it. She was booed, not Herman Cain.
Which reminds me, I am so over the students at Penn State who protested the justice system instead of the alleged rapist pedophile of at least 8 boys, or his boss Joe Paterno, who did nothing to protect those children after knowing what was happening to them.
I am over rape victims becoming re-raped when they go public.
I am over starving Somalian women being raped at the Dadaab refugee camp in Kenya, and I am over women getting raped at Occupy Wall Street and being quiet about it because they were protecting a movement which is fighting to end the pillaging and raping of the economy and the earth, as if the rape of their bodies was something separate.
I am over women still being silent about rape, because they are made to believe it’s their fault or they did something to make it happen.
I am over violence against women not being a #1 international priority when one out of three women will be raped or beaten in her lifetime — the destruction and muting and undermining of women is the destruction of life itself. No women, no future, duh.
I am over this rape culture where the privileged with political and physical and economic might, take what and who they want, when they want it, as much as they want, any time they want it. I am over the endless resurrection of the careers of rapists and sexual exploiters — film directors, world leaders, corporate executives, movie stars, athletes — while the lives of the women they violated are permanently destroyed, often forcing them to live in social and emotional exile.
I am over the passivity of good men. Where the hell are you? You live with us, make love with us, father us, befriend us, brother us, get nurtured and mothered and eternally supported by us, so why aren’t you standing with us? Why aren’t you driven to the point of madness and action by the rape and humiliation of us?
I am over years and years of being over rape.
And thinking about rape every day of my life since I was 5-years-old.
And getting sick from rape, and depressed from rape, and enraged by rape.
And reading my insanely crowded inbox of rape horror stories every hour of every single day.
I am over being polite about rape.
It’s been too long now, we have been too understanding.
We need to OCCUPYRAPE in every school, park, radio, TV station, household, office, factory, refugee camp, military base, back room, night club, alleyway, courtroom, UN office. We need people to truly try and imagine — once and for all — what it feels like to have your body invaded, your mind splintered, your soul shattered.
We need to let our rage and our compassion connect us so we can change the paradigm of global rape.
There are approximately one billion women on the planet who have been violated.
ONE BILLION WOMEN.
The time is now.
Prepare for the escalation.
Today it begins, moving toward February 14, 2013, when one billion women will rise to end rape.
Because we are over it.
Now don’t get me wrong….I do not feel this way now. I have in the past, though. Randomly, out of the blue, I would just start feeling like everyone was talking about me. Like they were all out to get me into some sort of trouble.
I know what you are thinking (see still a bit paranoid)…You are thinking “This chick has lost her mind!”
What you might not realize is that I am not alone. As a survivor of a crime perpetrated by someone that was a friend/aquaintance/love/partner it is not uncommon. I have found, through talking with other survivors, that we do tend to have a bit of paranoia going on. Some would even say “A healthy dose of paranoia keeps you safe.” But when is it too much?
I, personally, have had times when I felt like I could lock myself away from the entire world because I couldn’t trust anyone. I know that this is not a healthy dose of paranoia…this is more like OD’ing on paranoia.
I would like to invite you all to open this discussion up. I would like to have an open dialogue with you, my readers, to know your thoughts on this and share my own. I feel that it is important to openly communicate on this one. I think we could learn alot from each other.
Love and light,
Well I am glad that you asked. I am actually feeling pretty good. I am sorry I have not posted a lot lately. Things have been CRAZY busy. The month of October usually is. I finally finished my son’s blanket (which is fracking awesome!). I have started saying Frack a lot instead of Fuck in an effort to curb the cursing. I have gotten put on new medications which will hopefully take care of my lower regions medical woes and get me back to feeling better. I am going onto a new med which should facilitate weight loss (YAY!) and the world seems to be looking up.
I have been doing a lot of house cleaning the past few days. I spent 4 hours on laundry last night folding, hanging up, putting away, washing, drying….blah. I have been doing dishes more regularly and making myself be up and moving around cooking and whatnot when I get home so that I don’t get as stiff.
I am still looking to start that support group. Any ideas on flyers or posters? I am going to a retreat with my hubby next month for survivors (our anniversary weekend) and am hoping to get some good information there.
I did miss my cultural sensitivity training from INCASA. I had to go to the dentist. Actually, the first time in 13 years. Pretty good though. Only 3 cavities. I knew I had periodontal disease but we are getting that treated and working towards keeping my teeth in my mouth where they belong. So far so good. I am glad I finally decided to go. I don’t know why I was so scared to.
Anyways, I am going to try to get on here more to post about relevant topics to this blog. I just wanted you to all know that I did not forget about you. I appreciate each and every one of you. I keep getting more and more subscribers and followers on twitter. I feel blessed to be doing something that can help make a difference, even if only to one person.
Please give me ideas for posts. If you would like to see me write about something, let me know. You can either leave it in a comment here or email it to me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will try to write about every topic I get. I will also give credit to the requestor.
Thank you all for reading my blog. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for letting me be there for you.
Love and light,
P.S. I have recently realized that somehow after all that has come before in my life, my rose colored glasses do seem to be pretty much still intact. Some small cracks and some days I cannot find them, but for the most part I win.
So many times I sat and cried,
Wondering what I could have done…
What could I have done differently?
What would have kept them away from me?
Why did that little girl not have a voice?
Why did they take away her choice?
I will never know the woman I was meant to be.
The me that I would have become had they not stolen her from me.
I will never know that sweet little girl again.
You know, I see her now and then
But she is too scared to come out for long
She pokes her head out when no one is looking
She darts back behind the curtains before she is seen
How do I find a way back to her?
How do I get back the life that they took from her?
How do I find my way home when home is nowhere yet everywhere all at once?
How did I ever get this far from who I am?
From who I was meant to be?
What could I have done to keep them away from me?
It was not my fault.
I will not shoulder the blame and the shame for what was stolen and murdered in me.
One day they will answer for what they have done.
One day they will know that they sealed their own fate.
Until that day I will just sit back and wait.
Ok so in a totally gross turn of events I will say that I have had to do hemacults which are disgusting (slides from excrement from back door) because there has been blood. There has been a lot of blood which was scary and I went to the doc and they made me do these culture thingys. It was thoroughly disgusting and I nearly threw up several times. All three came back positive for blood so they sent me to a gastroenterologist. The gastroentrologist sent me to the hospital to do blood work and prepare for a colonoscopy on Friday. I am worried about a great many things. I am worried about the pains that I have been having and the blood. I am worried that they will find something horribly wrong with me. I am worried that I will go into a flashback.
One of my ex boyfriends raped me anally. I am worried that when I am put into conscious sedation that I will go into a flashback. This is a very real possibility with them going through the back door. I want to talk to my doctor’s office about it but I did not even think about it before hand. I will try to call them tomorrow and see if they will be able to do something different because of my trauma.
To top it off they still have not sent my FMLA paperwork back to my office so my boss doesn’t have confirmation from HR that this will be covered under FMLA and short term disability….so I may have to use my last few vacation days now instead of having time off with my family at Christmas which sucks because I have actually never gotten to take that week of Christmas off and I was looking forward to finally having the seniority to do that. **Sighs**I am freaking out a little bit. I am sad that I have to be freaking out and that I have to worry about my money situation on top of the freaking out part.
It isn’t fair! Dammit I want my real life….The one where I don’t have to worry about flashbacks or triggers and I don’t have to go for gross tests and do even grosser cultures. The one where I am healthy, happy and free from stress and strain. Where can I go to get that life back?
So my husband and I were awakened today by my son knocking on the door to tell us he didn’t feel good. My husband had the idea that my son should drink a glass of milk and take a hot bath. What the hell??? A child that is sick does not need milk which can curdle in their stomach and does not need a “hot bath” when they are already running a fever. I gave him some ibuprofen and asked my husband to get him some sprite. So instead of getting a 2ltr of sprite he goes to hardee’s and gets breakfast and gets him a large sprite…like this is going to be enough for the poor kid who is sick.
After he comes home, said kid gets to feeling somewhat better and plays video games for a while so husband reiterates that a hot bath may be a good idea. I said no but kiddo listened to his step dad because after all what does mama know, right? Well kid takes hot bath and gets so nauseous this time he throws up. Throws up after just taking ibuprofen so do not know if he got any of the medicine or not….can’t give him more…now my mother, which has custody of my kiddo calls and is told how my husband told him to drink milk and take a hot bath and she is in an uproar and wanting to come get him now and making me feel like I don’t know what the hell I am doing about being a mom and taking care of my sick kid….
Oh I forgot to mention that during all of this I had bought stuff yesterday to make my husband a caramel apple pie and so I was looking up the recipe and since I did not know the recipe off the top of my head like some kind of baking genius, and actually had to look up a recipe, then I was told I didn’t know what I was doing with that and if I had to look up the pie recipe he might as well do it himself. Then he had the nerve to tell me how if I wanted to do something nice for someone I should ask them what they want instead of just assuming. This is the manipulative shit he pulls on me when I am trying to do something nice and he makes me feel like shit for it. Tells me if I had just asked him what he wanted then I would not have been so disappointed when he didn’t want what I was doing. I didn’t ask him because I was going to surprise him with this beautiful caramel apple pie that he said was his favorite type of pie and that he had been asking for for a few years but I had not had the time or motivation to make it for him before. So I was trying to make this as a surprise for him and he shits all over it and then tells me how it is my fault that he did that because I didn’t ask him first. What kind of abusive manipulative shit is that?????? And the worst part is that he doesn’t even realize he is abusing me with this talk and this attitude. He thinks that his behavior and his saying these things is helpful to me. I do not know how someone can be so far off the mark as to think that this is helpful. How can he not see that he is being very hurtful and mentally abusive to me???? How can he not see that???? And the bad part is that he is going to read this and then he is going to get all sullen and then he is going to make me feel bad for feeling this way and then he will do the same thing all over again. This is mental cruelty that he is doing and he refuses to see it.
Oh and did I mention that this is all going on while I am trying to take care of my sick kid that has a temperature over 101? My kid is sick and now getting upset that his mom is being talked to this way and his step dad is being hurtful and emotionally harmful to his mom while he is trying to not throw up….and I am trying not to do anything more to make my kid feel worse…trying to help him feel better and getting berated for trying to do something nice. Being bullied because I did not have a memorized recipe and I didn’t ASK HIM before I bought the stuff to make him something he said was his favorite dessert. Like I have to ASK HIM if I want to surprise him with anything.
My therapist told me that I should do things to make my husband feel special and less insecure and be more intimate with him. I told him that and then came home to him thinking about all the ways that I can make him feel good….not about how he can make me feel good in return but how I can make him feel good. As if he hadn’t had enough selfish tendencies when it comes to having sex anyways. Now it comes back full circle to me actually trying to open back up to him after all these months of trying to let go of him being so selfish in the beginning and get back to being giving like I had always been before and he is going right back to the selfishness.
My husband has had many questions for me about the past and about recovery. He has never been sexually assaulted and I am very thankful that he does not have the ability to understand what I have been through.
Sometimes he does take things too far. Case in point: I posted the Rapist Checklist. He read it. He then sat around glum and upset for hours. I finally got him to tell me that the reason he was upset was that he felt like a rapist after reading that. He told me that he did not feel like he could talk to me about sex. He told me that he did not agree with many of the things that are listed in that checklist.
I did explain to him that he can always talk to me about his feelings and about sex. I had to explain to him that asking me for sex was not the same as pressuring. I had to explain to him that by pressure, it means coercion. Coercion is rape. When someone says no and you coerce them by wearing them down and possibly using physical means to threaten and coerce them, then you are committing rape. When you are laying in bed with your wife and you are snuggling and rubbing on her leg with consent and ask her once and she says she is not really in the mood and then in the same loving way ask again later, it is not rape. It is hard to define that line for him. It is hard to define that line for me. Sometimes I have flashbacks at times when he is being loving and gentle and it blurs that for me. I try really hard not to let that happen.
As an affirmation for me, and for him, I have to tell you this. My husband is a kind, gentle and loving man. He would never strike me in anger and he would never force me to do something I do not want to do. Sometimes he can be persistent but not to the point of coercion and when I say “No” firmly he knows I mean “No” and he takes it at face value.
I feel very lucky to have him. Having been through the things that I have been through, I don’t know how he puts up with me. I have so many hang ups and so many issues. I try really hard not to let them get the best of me. I try really hard not to let the flashbacks and the triggers ruin our sex life (even though sometimes it seems like we don’t have much of one because I am always in pain…) He is supportive even when it makes him uncomfortable. He supports my upcoming work with INCASA. He supports my working with the blog and with the therapist. He wants to learn more and more so he can help too. I love my husband. I love my life with my husband. I couldn’t have asked for a better man to help me through all of this.
You know how you sometimes reach a point where you know that something transitional is happening? Where you feel like something big is coming that will make it all worth it? Like you just KNOW that everything will be ok all of the sudden?
I am at one of those places. I don’t know how I got here….I think that writing this blog and getting/giving support has been a major part of it. I think that starting counseling has been part of it too. I also think that contacting INCASA and looking to get involved there is going to be a big part of it too.
I don’t know exactly what is going to happen but I know that it is going to be great. I have this feeling that I am just waiting for this amazing thing to happen.
This post may be a little rambling. I apologize ahead of time for that. There is a vacuum cleaner running and I am having trouble focusing.
I have been thinking very seriously about starting to write a book. I don’t know if it would be a memoir type book or if I want it to be a fiction book. I am not sure what characters I would include if it was a fiction book. My therapist has suggested that I join a writing group…and I really do want to. I have not had any luck with finding one yet. I do so much better when I am given an idea of something to write. Once I have that idea or assignment, my mind just builds it all out almost immediately and then the only trouble is getting it all out and onto the page.
I did text based role play gaming on yahoo many years ago and for many years. I created a fantasy world and had many guests in that world along the way. In that world I acted out some of the things that happened to me on a fantastical scale with the female being stronger and being able to overcome what someone was doing to her…or with her getting revenge for what was done to her. It was so empowering to me in that moment to be able to write it and have it be so.
I wish that real life was that easy. I wish that in real life there was a way to just write how we want it to be and make it so. I thought that I was helping myself by doing the role play gaming but I have to wonder if I wasn’t just hurting myself more. It is confusing. It makes me sad to think that I contributed to my own feelings of fear and anger and sadness.