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Sometimes there are blessings in loss….


This past weekend was a very hard one for me.  My best friend Moni moved 15 hours away.  With her went her two youngest boys and her hubby.  Now I have not known them for very long, compared to other people I consider best friends.  We have not been friends for years, rather months.  But in that 6 months since I met her, she has become like the sister I always wished that my sister was to me.

She and I share a history of things that have happened to us.  I pray one day that she is strong enough and confident enough in herself to write her story and tell what happened to her.  But until then I will continue to be among the very few who know how amazing it is that she is who she is.

This weekend when she pulled out of my drive for the last time I held it together til I got in the house and then I cried.  My kiddo hugged me tightly.  He hugged me and just stood and held me for a few.  That felt really good.

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Anniversary day….


This year I had scheduled to take today off of work.  Unfortunately I ended up missing two days of work for being sick and was not able to take the day off because we were really busy here at work.  Today I have been trying very hard not to feel this feeling and these feelings.  Today I have tried very very hard not to let the past ruin the day and not to let myself see that day again over and over again in my head.

See the thing is, even though it has been 18 years today, I can still remember exactly what I was wearing, what we had for dinner, all of the events leading up to and following what happened.  And I cannot shake it.

Today I am listening to Tori Amos and knowing that I am not alone.  I am trying very hard to not cry today.  Today is really hard for me.

I am sorry to everyone for not being here and for not posting like I had intended.  I have been having a hard time with this day coming and now with it being here and I really think that I can go back to being better after this.

Silent All These Years makes me think of my childhood….and what happened….and those feelings I cannot shake….

Big News!!!


I have officially booked the room for the first three support group meetings!!! My business cards should be arriving soon. I also ordered post cards to post around town. I am really feeling like this is finally really coming together. I am nervous but really excited. I cannot wait for the meetings to begin. My husband keeps saying that I am going to end up as someone with a lot of influence. Whether I do or not this feels like such important work. I just wish that I had more time to devote to it!

OVER IT by Eve Ensler.


This is copied from the Huffington Post site.  This article was not written by me.  This was written by the brilliant Ms. Eve Ensler.  I read this and had to share it with you guys.  I am over it too.  I agree with the OCCUPYRAPE part.  Countdown to Vday 2013.  I will be sharing this with my support group when it gets started.  We are getting closer to that time!

 

I am over rape.

I am over rape culture, rape mentality, rape pages on Facebook.

I am over the thousands of people who signed those pages with their real names without shame.

I am over people demanding their right to rape pages, and calling it freedom of speech or justifying it as a joke.

I am over people not understanding that rape is not a joke and I am over being told I don’t have a sense of humor, and women don’t have a sense of humor, when most women I know (and I know a lot) are really fucking funny. We just don’t think that uninvited penises up our anus, or our vagina is a laugh riot.

I am over how long it seems to take anyone to ever respond to rape. I am over Facebook taking weeks to take down rape pages.

I am over the hundreds of thousands of women in Congo still waiting for the rapes to end and the rapists to be held accountable.

I am over the thousands of women in Bosnia, Burma, Pakistan, South Africa, Guatemala, Sierra Leone, Haiti, Afghanistan, Libya, you name a place, still waiting for justice.

I am over rape happening in broad daylight.

I am over the 207 clinics in Ecuador supported by the government that are capturing, raping, and torturing lesbians to make them straight.

I am over one in three women in the U.S military (Happy Veterans Day!) getting raped by their so-called “comrades.”

I am over the forces that deny women who have been raped the right to have an abortion.

I am over the fact that after four women came forward with allegations that Herman Cain groped them and grabbed them and humiliated them, he is still running for the President of the United States.

And I’m over CNBC debate host Maria Bartiromo getting booed when she asked him about it. She was booed, not Herman Cain.

Which reminds me, I am so over the students at Penn State who protested the justice system instead of the alleged rapist pedophile of at least 8 boys, or his boss Joe Paterno, who did nothing to protect those children after knowing what was happening to them.

I am over rape victims becoming re-raped when they go public.

I am over starving Somalian women being raped at the Dadaab refugee camp in Kenya, and I am over women getting raped at Occupy Wall Street and being quiet about it because they were protecting a movement which is fighting to end the pillaging and raping of the economy and the earth, as if the rape of their bodies was something separate.

I am over women still being silent about rape, because they are made to believe it’s their fault or they did something to make it happen.

I am over violence against women not being a #1 international priority when one out of three women will be raped or beaten in her lifetime — the destruction and muting and undermining of women is the destruction of life itself. No women, no future, duh.

I am over this rape culture where the privileged with political and physical and economic might, take what and who they want, when they want it, as much as they want, any time they want it. I am over the endless resurrection of the careers of rapists and sexual exploiters — film directors, world leaders, corporate executives, movie stars, athletes — while the lives of the women they violated are permanently destroyed, often forcing them to live in social and emotional exile.

I am over the passivity of good men. Where the hell are you? You live with us, make love with us, father us, befriend us, brother us, get nurtured and mothered and eternally supported by us, so why aren’t you standing with us? Why aren’t you driven to the point of madness and action by the rape and humiliation of us?

I am over years and years of being over rape.

And thinking about rape every day of my life since I was 5-years-old.

And getting sick from rape, and depressed from rape, and enraged by rape.

And reading my insanely crowded inbox of rape horror stories every hour of every single day.

I am over being polite about rape.

It’s been too long now, we have been too understanding.

We need to OCCUPYRAPE in every school, park, radio, TV station, household, office, factory, refugee camp, military base, back room, night club, alleyway, courtroom, UN office. We need people to truly try and imagine — once and for all — what it feels like to have your body invaded, your mind splintered, your soul shattered.

We need to let our rage and our compassion connect us so we can change the paradigm of global rape.

 There are approximately one billion women on the planet who have been violated.

ONE BILLION WOMEN.

The time is now.

Prepare for the escalation.

Today it begins, moving toward February 14, 2013, when one billion women will rise to end rape.

 Because we are over it.

Just because you are paranoid does not mean that they are not all out to get you


Now don’t get me wrong….I do not feel this way now.  I have in the past, though.  Randomly, out of the blue, I would just start feeling like everyone was talking about me.  Like they were all out to get me into some sort of trouble.

I know what you are thinking (see still a bit paranoid)…You are thinking “This chick  has lost her mind!”

What you might not realize is that I am not alone.  As a survivor of a crime perpetrated by someone that was a friend/aquaintance/love/partner it is not uncommon.  I have found, through talking with other survivors, that we do tend to have a bit of paranoia going on.  Some would even say “A healthy dose of paranoia keeps you safe.”  But when is it too much?

I, personally, have had times when I felt like I could lock myself away from the entire world because I couldn’t trust anyone.  I know that this is not a healthy dose of paranoia…this is more like OD’ing on paranoia.

I would like to invite you all to open this discussion up.  I would like to have an open dialogue with you, my readers, to know your thoughts on this and share my own.  I feel that it is important to openly communicate on this one.  I think we could learn alot from each other.

Love and light,

Lucky

How am I feeling now?


Well I am glad that you asked.  I am actually feeling pretty good.  I am sorry I have not posted a lot lately.  Things have been CRAZY busy.  The month of October usually is.  I finally finished my son’s blanket (which is fracking awesome!).  I have started saying Frack a lot instead of Fuck in an effort to curb the cursing.  I have gotten put on new medications which will hopefully take care of my lower regions medical woes and get me back to feeling better.  I am going onto a new med which should facilitate weight loss (YAY!) and the world seems to be looking up.

I have been doing a lot of house cleaning the past few days.  I spent 4 hours on laundry last night folding, hanging up, putting away, washing, drying….blah.  I have been doing dishes more regularly and making myself be up and moving around cooking and whatnot when I get home so that I don’t get as stiff. 

I am still looking to start that support group.  Any ideas on flyers or posters?  I am going to a retreat with my hubby next month for survivors (our anniversary weekend) and am hoping to get some good information there.

I did miss my cultural sensitivity training from INCASA.  I had to go to the dentist.  Actually, the first time in 13 years.  Pretty good though.  Only 3 cavities.  I knew I had periodontal disease but we are getting that treated and working towards keeping my teeth in my mouth where they belong.  So far so good.  I am glad I finally decided to go.  I don’t know why I was so scared to.

Anyways, I am going to try to get on here more to post about relevant topics to this blog.  I just wanted  you to all know that I did not forget about you.  I appreciate each and every one of you.  I keep getting more and more subscribers and followers on twitter.  I feel blessed to be doing something that can help make a difference, even if only to one person.

Please give me ideas for posts.  If you would like to see me write about something, let me know.  You can either leave it in a comment here or email it to  me at whereismyreallife@gmail.com and I will try to write about every topic I get.  I will also give credit to the requestor.

Thank you all for reading my blog.  Thank you for being there for me.  Thank you for letting me be there for you.

Love and light,

Lucky

P.S. I have recently realized that somehow after all that has come before in my life, my rose colored glasses do seem to be pretty much still intact.  Some small cracks and some days I cannot find them, but for the most part I win.

Yesterday….All my troubles seemed so far away….


I am sorry that it has been so long since I have posted.  Things have been going kind of crazy with me.

Yesterday, against my better judgement, my husband and I drove up to Indianapolis for the Family Reunion.  I have not gone to one in a lot of years.  Mostly I do not go because I am not skinny and the family tends to poke at weight issues.  Not that I have issues with my weight.  I am comfortable in my skin but they like to poke and that hurts.  I had just pulled up to the site and gotten out of the car.  My sister came over to get her Diet Pepsi and joke with me and my husband.  We walked over to the shade and then I heard some of the family members freaking out.  I looked in and it was my Grandma that they were crowding around.  My Grandma lost consciousness and hit the floor.  Actually she was lowered onto the floor by several family members.  My cousin called the ambulance.  I got my MR uncle into my car.  My sister took my husband and my cousin and we all headed to the hospital.  A bunch of us went there but not all.  Not even all the ones that were bawling their eyes out and being dramatic.  Anyway, back to what happened.  We got to the hospital and had to wait a long while.  I kept my MR uncle calm along with my sister and my other uncle and my cousin.  My mom got there a bit later.  We finally got to go back with Grandma and it turned out that she had dehydrated and it was possible her meds (or lack of taking them that morning) had been the cause.  Her blood pressure dropped scary dangerously low.  They admitted her and we all went up to her room for a while.

Today I called and my MR uncle was crying wanting me to come get him, so I looked at my hubby and said I was going to go.  He was totally ok with this.  I love my hubby.  I showered and hit the road.  I was there in pretty good time.  I took my uncle to Wal-Mart and we got grandma flowers and a vase and a new house coat.  She hates hospital gowns as much as anyone else so I did not want to leave her in one longer than I had to. We got up to the hospital and grandma said her potassium level was low and that there may be some kind of internal bleeding because she is anemic but they do not know where.  I was up there most of the day.  I do not want to go to work tomorrow.  I want to go back up and be with her.  This is so scary to me.

The thing that upsets me the most about it is how I have to be strong and can’t be upset about it because I have to take care of people.  Then by the time that I am able to fall apart everything is getting better and most people are all “what are you crying for now?  she is ok” but dammit I hate having to be strong.

Last night when we got back to our town, I broke down crying in the gas station parking lot.  Then when I was finally calmed, I went in to get a polar pop.   While I was getting it, this girl came up and said “Have you ever had one of those days where everything goes wrong?”  I said “Yeah my grandma collapsed at the family reunion today and is in the hospital.”  She then told me that she was a victim of domestic violence and had gone to the local shelter and they had turned her away.  I did not ask why they turned her away.  I did recommend she contact INCASA.  I told her I had been there and that she needed to do what she needed to do to get herself safe.  She left very quickly.  I pray that she was able to find someplace safe to go.

I am sorry if this is a bit disjointed.  I am really tired and trying to get this all out.  I am a wreck.  I want my grandma to be ok.  I want to know that she is ok.  I want her to not ever be sick and never die.  Unfortunately I know that this is not possible.  She will be 86 in 5 days.  I know that I may not have her much longer.  Dammit it is not fair.

I may never have seen your face, but I will carry you in my heart forever


There is this dream I have had many times over and again.  In this dream I am standing in this beautiful wide open space surrounded by trees and the sunlight is streaming down and there is this beautiful little girl smiling up at me.  She is smiling up at me and laughing and we are playing and dancing around.  She has long light brown hair and she has soft pink tinted cheeks and she has big beautiful brown eyes and she has dimples on both sides.  She is the sweetest thing.  She is probably about 3 years old.  She is my child, in this dream, and we have this joyful moment that is just ours.

There is another dream I have.  It is of a boy who would now be getting ready to turn 18.  He would be in his senior year of high school.  He would be tall and he would have curly hair.  His eyes would be green.  He would have freckles and a ready smile for everyone.  He would be well liked.  He would get good grades (or at least better than his mom did) and he would be planning for his future.

There is another dream that I have often.  In this dream the little boy is going on 12.  He has dark brown hair, brown eyes and a calm kind smile.  He is bookish and smart.  He likes video games but not as much as his older brother does.  He struggles with math but does his best.  He snuggles up to me and tells me that I am the best mama in the world like his older brother does.

There are other dreams that are more vague.  There are 5 boys and 4 girls.  All different but similar.  These are my babies that I never got to hold here on Earth.  One day I know that I will be reunited with them in the Summerland.  I will know peace and joy and the love of my children.

I have a 13 year old son who is my world.  He does not know about his brothers or sisters.  I have not told him and I do not know if I ever will.  It is a terrible thing to lose a child.  I have a child who is living and 9 who are not.  I am a mother of 10 but have only gotten to hold 1 in my arms.  I have only gotten to kiss the top of 1 child’s head.  I have only gotten to rub 1 child’s stomach when it aches.  I have only gotten to hold 1 child close while they were sick/scared/sad.  I am a mother without all of her children and while I know that I would not have been able to take care of 10 babies, there would not have been 10 of them if I had been able to carry them to term.  So I am a mother of 9 angel babies and 1 living teenage boy.  I love all of my children.  I love them all with all of my heart.  I carry my angels with me in my heart and in my dreams every single day of my life.

Rape is a murder of the self


So many times I sat and cried,

Wondering what I could have done…

What could I have done differently?

What would have kept them away from me?

Why did that little girl not have a voice?

Why did they take away her choice?

I will never know the woman I was meant to be.

The me that I would have become had they not stolen her from me.

I will never know that sweet little girl again.

You know, I see her now and then

But she is too scared to come out for long

She pokes her head out when no one is looking

She darts back behind the curtains before she is seen

How do I find a way back to her?

How do I get back the life that they took from her?

How do I find my way home when home is nowhere yet everywhere all at once?

How did I ever get this far from who I am?

From who I was meant to be?

What could I have done to keep them away from me?

Nothing.

It was not my fault.

I will not shoulder the blame and the shame for what was stolen and murdered in me.

One day they will answer for what they have done.

One day they will know that they sealed their own fate.

Until that day I will just sit back and wait.

A letter to my 15 year old self


Dear Sweet Little Girl,

I know that you are hurting inside.  You feel like everything you thought was a lie and  no one cares about you.  You feel like that boy that promised you forever…the one you should not have gone out with and should not have given yourself to… has turned the whole world against you.  I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that you will grow up and yes, you will face hardships, but you are going to be ok.  I wish that I could go back in time and hold you like you wished mom would have done.  I wish that I could make it ok for you to tell her what she witnessed instead of letting her think that it was what you wanted too.  If they ever invent a time machine I will do that, but for now I can just tell you that I love you and that it is ok to cry.  It is ok to feel let down by all of those who you trusted to protect you and who didn’t.  Know that you will meet someone who will make you feel ok again.  He will make you feel loved and he will guard your heart.  He will not be your forever but he will help you grow through this.  He will help you through much sadness and teach you about joy again.  You will meet good and bad people along the way.  Know that there is a reason in everything.  Do not ever let them steal your light and your life.  Know that I am here for  you and I love you.  I love you because I am you.  Looking back at you I wish that I could have done better for you when I was there.  All I can do for now is tell you that I know you and I know your heartbreak and I will never let you down again.

Love and light,

Your 33 year old self