This past weekend was a very hard one for me. My best friend Moni moved 15 hours away. With her went her two youngest boys and her hubby. Now I have not known them for very long, compared to other people I consider best friends. We have not been friends for years, rather months. But in that 6 months since I met her, she has become like the sister I always wished that my sister was to me.
She and I share a history of things that have happened to us. I pray one day that she is strong enough and confident enough in herself to write her story and tell what happened to her. But until then I will continue to be among the very few who know how amazing it is that she is who she is.
This weekend when she pulled out of my drive for the last time I held it together til I got in the house and then I cried. My kiddo hugged me tightly. He hugged me and just stood and held me for a few. That felt really good.
Well I am glad that you asked. I am actually feeling pretty good. I am sorry I have not posted a lot lately. Things have been CRAZY busy. The month of October usually is. I finally finished my son’s blanket (which is fracking awesome!). I have started saying Frack a lot instead of Fuck in an effort to curb the cursing. I have gotten put on new medications which will hopefully take care of my lower regions medical woes and get me back to feeling better. I am going onto a new med which should facilitate weight loss (YAY!) and the world seems to be looking up.
I have been doing a lot of house cleaning the past few days. I spent 4 hours on laundry last night folding, hanging up, putting away, washing, drying….blah. I have been doing dishes more regularly and making myself be up and moving around cooking and whatnot when I get home so that I don’t get as stiff.
I am still looking to start that support group. Any ideas on flyers or posters? I am going to a retreat with my hubby next month for survivors (our anniversary weekend) and am hoping to get some good information there.
I did miss my cultural sensitivity training from INCASA. I had to go to the dentist. Actually, the first time in 13 years. Pretty good though. Only 3 cavities. I knew I had periodontal disease but we are getting that treated and working towards keeping my teeth in my mouth where they belong. So far so good. I am glad I finally decided to go. I don’t know why I was so scared to.
Anyways, I am going to try to get on here more to post about relevant topics to this blog. I just wanted you to all know that I did not forget about you. I appreciate each and every one of you. I keep getting more and more subscribers and followers on twitter. I feel blessed to be doing something that can help make a difference, even if only to one person.
Please give me ideas for posts. If you would like to see me write about something, let me know. You can either leave it in a comment here or email it to me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will try to write about every topic I get. I will also give credit to the requestor.
Thank you all for reading my blog. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for letting me be there for you.
Love and light,
P.S. I have recently realized that somehow after all that has come before in my life, my rose colored glasses do seem to be pretty much still intact. Some small cracks and some days I cannot find them, but for the most part I win.
Dear Sweet Little Girl,
I know that you are hurting inside. You feel like everything you thought was a lie and no one cares about you. You feel like that boy that promised you forever…the one you should not have gone out with and should not have given yourself to… has turned the whole world against you. I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that you will grow up and yes, you will face hardships, but you are going to be ok. I wish that I could go back in time and hold you like you wished mom would have done. I wish that I could make it ok for you to tell her what she witnessed instead of letting her think that it was what you wanted too. If they ever invent a time machine I will do that, but for now I can just tell you that I love you and that it is ok to cry. It is ok to feel let down by all of those who you trusted to protect you and who didn’t. Know that you will meet someone who will make you feel ok again. He will make you feel loved and he will guard your heart. He will not be your forever but he will help you grow through this. He will help you through much sadness and teach you about joy again. You will meet good and bad people along the way. Know that there is a reason in everything. Do not ever let them steal your light and your life. Know that I am here for you and I love you. I love you because I am you. Looking back at you I wish that I could have done better for you when I was there. All I can do for now is tell you that I know you and I know your heartbreak and I will never let you down again.
Love and light,
Your 33 year old self
So my husband and I were awakened today by my son knocking on the door to tell us he didn’t feel good. My husband had the idea that my son should drink a glass of milk and take a hot bath. What the hell??? A child that is sick does not need milk which can curdle in their stomach and does not need a “hot bath” when they are already running a fever. I gave him some ibuprofen and asked my husband to get him some sprite. So instead of getting a 2ltr of sprite he goes to hardee’s and gets breakfast and gets him a large sprite…like this is going to be enough for the poor kid who is sick.
After he comes home, said kid gets to feeling somewhat better and plays video games for a while so husband reiterates that a hot bath may be a good idea. I said no but kiddo listened to his step dad because after all what does mama know, right? Well kid takes hot bath and gets so nauseous this time he throws up. Throws up after just taking ibuprofen so do not know if he got any of the medicine or not….can’t give him more…now my mother, which has custody of my kiddo calls and is told how my husband told him to drink milk and take a hot bath and she is in an uproar and wanting to come get him now and making me feel like I don’t know what the hell I am doing about being a mom and taking care of my sick kid….
Oh I forgot to mention that during all of this I had bought stuff yesterday to make my husband a caramel apple pie and so I was looking up the recipe and since I did not know the recipe off the top of my head like some kind of baking genius, and actually had to look up a recipe, then I was told I didn’t know what I was doing with that and if I had to look up the pie recipe he might as well do it himself. Then he had the nerve to tell me how if I wanted to do something nice for someone I should ask them what they want instead of just assuming. This is the manipulative shit he pulls on me when I am trying to do something nice and he makes me feel like shit for it. Tells me if I had just asked him what he wanted then I would not have been so disappointed when he didn’t want what I was doing. I didn’t ask him because I was going to surprise him with this beautiful caramel apple pie that he said was his favorite type of pie and that he had been asking for for a few years but I had not had the time or motivation to make it for him before. So I was trying to make this as a surprise for him and he shits all over it and then tells me how it is my fault that he did that because I didn’t ask him first. What kind of abusive manipulative shit is that?????? And the worst part is that he doesn’t even realize he is abusing me with this talk and this attitude. He thinks that his behavior and his saying these things is helpful to me. I do not know how someone can be so far off the mark as to think that this is helpful. How can he not see that he is being very hurtful and mentally abusive to me???? How can he not see that???? And the bad part is that he is going to read this and then he is going to get all sullen and then he is going to make me feel bad for feeling this way and then he will do the same thing all over again. This is mental cruelty that he is doing and he refuses to see it.
Oh and did I mention that this is all going on while I am trying to take care of my sick kid that has a temperature over 101? My kid is sick and now getting upset that his mom is being talked to this way and his step dad is being hurtful and emotionally harmful to his mom while he is trying to not throw up….and I am trying not to do anything more to make my kid feel worse…trying to help him feel better and getting berated for trying to do something nice. Being bullied because I did not have a memorized recipe and I didn’t ASK HIM before I bought the stuff to make him something he said was his favorite dessert. Like I have to ASK HIM if I want to surprise him with anything.
My therapist told me that I should do things to make my husband feel special and less insecure and be more intimate with him. I told him that and then came home to him thinking about all the ways that I can make him feel good….not about how he can make me feel good in return but how I can make him feel good. As if he hadn’t had enough selfish tendencies when it comes to having sex anyways. Now it comes back full circle to me actually trying to open back up to him after all these months of trying to let go of him being so selfish in the beginning and get back to being giving like I had always been before and he is going right back to the selfishness.
This year’s Domestic Violence Counts: National Census of Domestic Violence Services will occur on September 15, 2011. (via PurpleHearts4Butterflies’s Blog)
Stand up and be heard! Make sure you count!
Almost all survivors will have nightmares while healing. -How to help your survivor partner during nightmares. (via PurpleHearts4Butterflies’s Blog)
Thank you very much purple hearts for posting this. This is a wonderful post.
Resources for helplines. Thank you Inner Workings of Insanity for posting this.