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Anniversary day….


This year I had scheduled to take today off of work.  Unfortunately I ended up missing two days of work for being sick and was not able to take the day off because we were really busy here at work.  Today I have been trying very hard not to feel this feeling and these feelings.  Today I have tried very very hard not to let the past ruin the day and not to let myself see that day again over and over again in my head.

See the thing is, even though it has been 18 years today, I can still remember exactly what I was wearing, what we had for dinner, all of the events leading up to and following what happened.  And I cannot shake it.

Today I am listening to Tori Amos and knowing that I am not alone.  I am trying very hard to not cry today.  Today is really hard for me.

I am sorry to everyone for not being here and for not posting like I had intended.  I have been having a hard time with this day coming and now with it being here and I really think that I can go back to being better after this.

Silent All These Years makes me think of my childhood….and what happened….and those feelings I cannot shake….

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OVER IT by Eve Ensler.


This is copied from the Huffington Post site.  This article was not written by me.  This was written by the brilliant Ms. Eve Ensler.  I read this and had to share it with you guys.  I am over it too.  I agree with the OCCUPYRAPE part.  Countdown to Vday 2013.  I will be sharing this with my support group when it gets started.  We are getting closer to that time!

 

I am over rape.

I am over rape culture, rape mentality, rape pages on Facebook.

I am over the thousands of people who signed those pages with their real names without shame.

I am over people demanding their right to rape pages, and calling it freedom of speech or justifying it as a joke.

I am over people not understanding that rape is not a joke and I am over being told I don’t have a sense of humor, and women don’t have a sense of humor, when most women I know (and I know a lot) are really fucking funny. We just don’t think that uninvited penises up our anus, or our vagina is a laugh riot.

I am over how long it seems to take anyone to ever respond to rape. I am over Facebook taking weeks to take down rape pages.

I am over the hundreds of thousands of women in Congo still waiting for the rapes to end and the rapists to be held accountable.

I am over the thousands of women in Bosnia, Burma, Pakistan, South Africa, Guatemala, Sierra Leone, Haiti, Afghanistan, Libya, you name a place, still waiting for justice.

I am over rape happening in broad daylight.

I am over the 207 clinics in Ecuador supported by the government that are capturing, raping, and torturing lesbians to make them straight.

I am over one in three women in the U.S military (Happy Veterans Day!) getting raped by their so-called “comrades.”

I am over the forces that deny women who have been raped the right to have an abortion.

I am over the fact that after four women came forward with allegations that Herman Cain groped them and grabbed them and humiliated them, he is still running for the President of the United States.

And I’m over CNBC debate host Maria Bartiromo getting booed when she asked him about it. She was booed, not Herman Cain.

Which reminds me, I am so over the students at Penn State who protested the justice system instead of the alleged rapist pedophile of at least 8 boys, or his boss Joe Paterno, who did nothing to protect those children after knowing what was happening to them.

I am over rape victims becoming re-raped when they go public.

I am over starving Somalian women being raped at the Dadaab refugee camp in Kenya, and I am over women getting raped at Occupy Wall Street and being quiet about it because they were protecting a movement which is fighting to end the pillaging and raping of the economy and the earth, as if the rape of their bodies was something separate.

I am over women still being silent about rape, because they are made to believe it’s their fault or they did something to make it happen.

I am over violence against women not being a #1 international priority when one out of three women will be raped or beaten in her lifetime — the destruction and muting and undermining of women is the destruction of life itself. No women, no future, duh.

I am over this rape culture where the privileged with political and physical and economic might, take what and who they want, when they want it, as much as they want, any time they want it. I am over the endless resurrection of the careers of rapists and sexual exploiters — film directors, world leaders, corporate executives, movie stars, athletes — while the lives of the women they violated are permanently destroyed, often forcing them to live in social and emotional exile.

I am over the passivity of good men. Where the hell are you? You live with us, make love with us, father us, befriend us, brother us, get nurtured and mothered and eternally supported by us, so why aren’t you standing with us? Why aren’t you driven to the point of madness and action by the rape and humiliation of us?

I am over years and years of being over rape.

And thinking about rape every day of my life since I was 5-years-old.

And getting sick from rape, and depressed from rape, and enraged by rape.

And reading my insanely crowded inbox of rape horror stories every hour of every single day.

I am over being polite about rape.

It’s been too long now, we have been too understanding.

We need to OCCUPYRAPE in every school, park, radio, TV station, household, office, factory, refugee camp, military base, back room, night club, alleyway, courtroom, UN office. We need people to truly try and imagine — once and for all — what it feels like to have your body invaded, your mind splintered, your soul shattered.

We need to let our rage and our compassion connect us so we can change the paradigm of global rape.

 There are approximately one billion women on the planet who have been violated.

ONE BILLION WOMEN.

The time is now.

Prepare for the escalation.

Today it begins, moving toward February 14, 2013, when one billion women will rise to end rape.

 Because we are over it.

A letter to my 15 year old self


Dear Sweet Little Girl,

I know that you are hurting inside.  You feel like everything you thought was a lie and  no one cares about you.  You feel like that boy that promised you forever…the one you should not have gone out with and should not have given yourself to… has turned the whole world against you.  I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to know that you will grow up and yes, you will face hardships, but you are going to be ok.  I wish that I could go back in time and hold you like you wished mom would have done.  I wish that I could make it ok for you to tell her what she witnessed instead of letting her think that it was what you wanted too.  If they ever invent a time machine I will do that, but for now I can just tell you that I love you and that it is ok to cry.  It is ok to feel let down by all of those who you trusted to protect you and who didn’t.  Know that you will meet someone who will make you feel ok again.  He will make you feel loved and he will guard your heart.  He will not be your forever but he will help you grow through this.  He will help you through much sadness and teach you about joy again.  You will meet good and bad people along the way.  Know that there is a reason in everything.  Do not ever let them steal your light and your life.  Know that I am here for  you and I love you.  I love you because I am you.  Looking back at you I wish that I could have done better for you when I was there.  All I can do for now is tell you that I know you and I know your heartbreak and I will never let you down again.

Love and light,

Your 33 year old self

 

 

It is strange the things you remember….


Like I remember that the night that Chaun raped me I was wearing a pair of navy blue stirrup pants and a grey Georgetown Bulldogs sweatshirt.  I don’t know why I remember that…but I do….

Does anyone else out there have minor insignificant details that they remember when other things just seem to be lost to you?

Delving deeper into the past….When you meet a wolf in sheep’s clothing, how do you know?


Recently I have been given the opportunity to help someone who is going to be giving a talk to forensics students.  She will be giving them information on how forensics is so very important in real life.  I offered to share my story with her.  In doing so, I made an offer to delve deeper into the way that a 15 year old girl went from virgin and trusting to dating and being molested against her will to ultimately giving this boy her virginity and then finally being raped by this boy who she thought loved her.  This is going to be a very emotional post.  I apologize ahead of time if any of this doesn’t make sense.  I am going to do the very best I can to keep it together and give it a good flow.

When I was 15 we moved to Terre Haute, Indiana from Cincinnati, Ohio.  I was going into my sophomore year at a new school and was worried about not knowing anyone and being the “odd girl out”.  I had never really had a lot of friends.  I was kind of the girl that everyone picked on for a long time.  When school started I was pleasantly surprised to find myself in the center of a group of friends that had known each other for a very long time.  They accepted me in and made me one of them.  Things seemed to be going wonderfully.  That fall I was dating this guy…this really sweet, nice, good looking and semi rich guy.  He was so great but I did not have a “spark” with him.  While I was going out with him, another guy asked me out.  This guy smoked, listened to rock, was a real bad ass.  I, of course, dumped the nice guy for the bad boy.

The bad boy was risky.  He was dangerous.  He was from a poorer family.  My family was reasonably well to do.  We dated for a while.  I remember going to the bowling alley where my parents were on a league.  I remember him sitting behind me as I did my homework.  I remember him putting his hands up my shirt and me pushing him off and him doing it again.  I remember asking him repeatedly to stop.  I remember him trying to put his hands down my pants. I remember the guy at the library who saw and instead of helping me, he just leered lewdly and I couldn’t make the boyfriend stop it.  I remember him telling me how he just loved me so much that he couldn’t keep his hands off of me.  When you are 15 and some guy tells you how much he loves you, you do not think to question it.  You do not think that there is possibly another reason for him to say it.  I was learning how to be a woman but I didn’t even really know what that meant.  We went out for a while.  I can’t even remember how long it was.  I do remember that my brother asked us to come in his room and I couldn’t get him to leave me alone.  My brother left the room and when he came back in my boyfriend had his hands down my pants.  I was trying to get him to stop but he wouldn’t.  My brother still gives me hell about this even 18 years later.  He makes me out to be some kind of wanton whore.  He was too little.  He didn’t know what was going on and I couldn’t make my boyfriend stop.  I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t have anyone to tell me that this was wrong.  I didn’t have anyone that I could talk to without judgment.

At Christmas that year he asked me to marry him.  I thought for sure that I knew that this was the man that I was going to be spending the rest of my life with.  In January that year my parents were going to a concert and I agreed to let him come over.  We had decided that that was going to be THE night.  It was over before it started.  I barely felt anything at all and he did not bother trying to make me feel good.  A few weeks later we did it again and it was just as bad.  I thought that I would not ever like sex because it really wasn’t as great as people made it out to be.  Then that fateful night happened.

February 16th.  His 16th birthday.  We went out to dinner with his parents and a few of our friends.  My mom had made a cake for him for his birthday.  We got back to my house and he and I went upstairs to watch TV in my room.  We were watching TV and he asked me if we could have sex.  I said no.  My family was home and I couldn’t take that chance.  I told him that I really did not want to.  I told him that if we close the door mom and dad will get mad.  I do not remember how it happened but somehow he ended up on top of me on the floor on the opposite side of my bed from the door.  My mom walked in and thought that we were just having sex.  I didn’t know how to tell her that it was not what it seemed like.  I did not know how to tell her that I did not want to have sex but he made me do it.  Then she called me a whore, a slut, a bitch….pretty much everything but a white girl.  Making me feel like I was worthless.  Making me know that I was nothing.

After this happened I went to school the next day and I told our friends what had happened. The bad thing is that they were OUR friends.  Exactly 2 of them believed me.  Out of a large group only 2 believed me.  This made me feel even worse.  I was to the point where I was seriously considering the fact that the world would be a much better place without me.  I never reported what happened.  I did not believe that anyone would believe me.  I didn’t know if I even believed me.

There was a friend who did help me out and did make me feel better and showed me that I was worthy and I was worth more than what I believed.  This friend, who ended up being my boyfriend for almost 2 years , saved my life.  He was there for me when I lost the baby that resulted from the rape.  He taught me how to accept physical love again.  We did not end up being together for life but I do have him to thank for saving my life and I am grateful.

I will write more later.  I am too emotional to continue writing right now.  Love and light to you all.

Transitions


You know how you sometimes reach a point where you know that something transitional is happening?  Where you feel like something big is coming that will make it all worth it?  Like you just KNOW that everything will be ok all of the sudden? 

I am at one of those places. I don’t know how I got here….I think that writing this blog and getting/giving support has been a major part of it.  I think that starting counseling has been part of it too.  I also think that contacting INCASA and looking to get involved there is going to be a big part of it too. 

I don’t know exactly what is going to happen but I know that it is going to be great.  I have this feeling that I am just waiting for this amazing thing to happen.

Rapist Checklist


I compiled this list from a forums group I was involved in previously.  I think that this is something that can help validate and explain what rape really is:
This is something that I have found in the forums of my support group and it has been very validating and helpful for me.  I thought that I would send this out to the people that I care about in hopes that this can make it out to other people who may need the confirmation and validation that this has helped me with.  NO ONE deserves to be raped or brutalized in any way.  Our bodies are our own and NO ONE has the right to do anything to us or to our body that we do not want.  We will be VICTIMS NO MORE!  It is time that we make a stand and take back our lives.  *If you have any questions or comments please do not hesitate to leave them in the comments!  My husband and I have had some pretty major discussions about this.

The Rapist Checklist

Things to remember…

1. You are a rapist if you get a girl drunk and have sex with her.

2. You are a rapist if you find a drunk girl and have sex with her.

3. You are a rapist if you get yourself drunk too and have sex with her. Your drunkenness is no excuse.

4. If you are BOTH drunk you may still be a rapist.

5. If she’s alternating between puking her guts out and passing out in the bed then you’re a rapist.

6. If she’s sleeping and you have sex with her you’re a rapist.

7. If she’s unconscious and you have sex with her then you’re a rapist.

8. If she’s taking sleeping pills and doesn’t wake up when you have sex with her then you’re a rapist.

9. If she is incapacitated in any way and unable to say ‘Yes’ then you’re a rapist.

10. If you drug her then you’re a rapist.

11. If you find a drugged girl and have sex with her then you’re a rapist.

12. If you don’t bother to ask her permission and she says neither ‘Yes’ nor ‘No’ then you could be a rapist.

13. You are a rapist if you ‘nag’ her for sex. Because you manage to ply an eventual ‘yes’ from a weary victim doesn’t mean it’s not rape. You are a rapist.

14. You are a rapist if you try to circumvent her “No” by talking her into it. She’s not playing hard to get, and, even if she IS it’s not YOUR responsibility to ‘get’ her. You’re still a rapist.

15. You are a rapist if you manipulate her into sex when she doesn’t otherwise want it. If you say, “If you loved me you’d do X” then you’re a rapist. If you say, “All the other kids are doing it!” then you’re a rapist.

16. If you threaten her, or act in a way that SHE thinks you’re threatening her, then you’re a rapist. If you puff up and get loud and frustrated while trying to ‘talk’ her into sex then you’re a rapist.

17. You are a rapist if you don’t immediately get your hands off of her when she says ‘no’. You are a rapist if you take your hands off of her and then put them back ON her after 10 minutes and she eventually ‘gives in’ to this tactic.

18. You are a rapist if you won’t let her sleep peacefully without waking her every 15 minutes asking her for sex. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and YOU are a rapist.

19. If you’re necking with her and you’re naked and you’ve already gone down on her and she says ‘No’ to sex with you and you have sex with her anyway then you’re a rapist.

20. If you’re engaged in intercourse and she says ‘No’ at ANY point and you don’t immediately stop then you’re a rapist.

21. If she said “Yes” to sex with a condom and that condom breaks and you proceed anyway then you’re a rapist.

22. If she picked you up at a bar looking for sex and then decides that she doesn’t WANT sex and you continue then you’re a rapist.

23. If she changes her mind at ANY point for ANY reason and you don’t immediately back off or you try to talk her into it and get sex anyway then you’re a rapist.

24. If you don’t hit her and she says ‘No’ you’re still a rapist.

25. If you don’t have a knife or a gun or a garrote and she says ‘No’ then you’re still a rapist.

26. If you’re a friend of hers you can still be a rapist.

27. If you had sex with her the night before but she doesn’t want morning sex and you pressure her for it anyway then you’re a rapist.

28. If you’re her husband you can still be a rapist.

29. If it’s your wedding night and she doesn’t WANT to have sex with you and you force or coerce her anyway then you’re a rapist.

30. If she’s had sex with you hundreds of times before but doesn’t want to on the 101st time then you’re a rapist.

31. If you penetrate her anally, orally or digitally against her will then YOU my friend, are ALSO a rapist.

32. Women do not owe you sex.

33. Buying her dinner does not entitle you to sex.

34. Paying her mortgage does not entitle you to sex.

35. Buying her clothing does not entitle you to sex.

36. Buying her lingerie does not entitle you to sex. It also doesn’t mean that she has any obligation to wear that lingerie around you.

37. Spending any amount of money on her does not, ever, entitles you to sex.

38. Seeing her legs or cleavage does not entitle you to sex.

39. If she ‘turns you on’ you’re not entitled to sex.

40. If she has had sex with every man in a 10 square mile radius and she doesn’t want to have sex with you and you have sex with her anyway, then you’re a rapist.

41. Her clothing is not a reason for you to rape her. Her LACK of clothing is no reason to rape her. If she’s wearing a thong and pasties you STILL have no right to rape her.

42. If she’s a prostitute and she says “No” then you’re a rapist.

43. If she’s a stripper and she says “No” then you’re a rapist. Likewise, if she’s a stripper and she’s been rubbing against your genitals all night long and you follow her to her car and have sex with her against her will then you are ALSO a rapist.

44. If you watch a woman being raped without calling the authorities then you’re as bad as a rapist and you may also be a rapist yourself.

45. If you don’t fight rape then you accept rape.

46. If you don’t believe a woman when she says she was raped then you’re encouraging rape.

47. If you choose to remain friends with a man who raped a woman you are encouraging rape.

48. If you confess to the authorities that you raped a woman it does not exonerate you. You are not suddenly a model of good behavior.

49. If you ‘only’ raped one woman, you’re STILL a rapist.

50. You cannot tell who is a rapist by the way they look. Rapists are your friends, your brothers, your fathers and you won’t know it.

51. Do not get frustrated with a woman if she doesn’t trust you. SHE already knows that rapists don’t wear signs on their foreheads. Something you think is innocuous SHE may find terrifying.

52. If you have been dating for a year and you are both naked and she says no and you still do, even though you did not hit her and she just lies there, then you are a rapist. Saying “I love you” does not make it go away.   Proposing after rape, doesn’t make it NOT RAPE.

53. If you bother and pursue a girl until you “wear her down” enough to be alone and then do not ask permission to have sex with her and/or ignore her “No,” then you are a rapist.

54. Long-time friendship does not eliminate you as a rapist. Crying and guilt tripping a woman/man with manipulation to isolate him/her and then ignoring their “No”, makes you a rapist.

55. If you are having sex with someone and they say no, and you stop, and then try again 2 minutes later by shoving your genitals in her/his face, you are a rapist.

56. When you force her to have sex with you and you apologize and she forgives you, you still raped her.

57. If she is high and says no and you call it “rough sex” because she was “too messed up to know what was going on, it is still rape!!!!

58. If he penetrates you with his finger or his tongue, after nagging and guilt-tripping you into saying yes, then it is still rape (even if your legal system says it’s only rape if he penetrates you with his penis).

59. If you have sex with someone younger than the age of consent, it is rape and it is your responsibility to check that you are always within the laws about under-age sex … no matter how old she or he looks, or acts, or whether they seem to want it or not, or how mature they are, having sex with a child is rape and being a child is defined only by time on this earth, not anything else.

60. If you change your mind and stop before you are ‘finished’ you STILL raped her

61. Claiming that “it just slipped in” does NOT exonerate you either. It is still rape

62. If someone you victimized has the courage to take you to court and you’re found not guilty, it does not mean you’re innocent, it just means that the low conviction rate in your country was on your side, and that’s all. You still know what you did and it is still rape.

63. Someone having the guts to report you or “out” you to friends and/or family for rape does not entitle you to stalk and harass them into being quiet. Nor does it entitle you to play God with their life. Take your lumps for a change if you are guilty, stop justifying your actions, and pay up.

64. If you are part of a group of people, and as a group you choose to rape someone, each and every one of you is a rapist. It is not OK to say later that the leader of the group “talked you into it” or that you were “scared” of what the leader would do if you refused. Think of what the victim had to deal with.   “Pack mentality” or “mob mentality” does NOT excuse rape.

65. If you are with one other man or woman, and the two of you rape someone, you are also a rapist, even if you are not the leader. It is not OK to say that “well, I was not acting on my own, not my fault.”

66. If you coerce someone into sex out of fear that you will harm a child in his or her care, you are a rapist. Example: breaking into a stranger’s house and demanding sex or you will kill the baby.

67.  If you rape a man or boy, you are a rapist. Rape victimizes both genders.

68. If you are female and you force someone of either gender to have sex against their will, you are a rapist.

69. If you regret it afterwards, if you turn yourself in, if you “find God,” you have still raped someone.

70. If you demand sex and state that if you do not get it, you will kill the victim or his or her friends or family, you are a rapist.

71. If you are a teenager or adult, not a child, and you shun a rape survivor for acting strange when you know that he or she was assaulted, you are not a rapist but you are not acting like a good person either.

72. If a kid lays there and doesn’t protest, it is still rape.

73. If she has played with kinky/rough sex before, it is not an excuse to call her protests a game, or anything else other than rape.

74. If you hear someone begging you to stop hurting them while you take what you want, you are a rapist.

75. If someone says “no”, but you MAKE her/him say “yes”, you are still a rapist.

76. You are a rapist if you make the person say “they like it” even when you can clearly see them crying and you know they already said “no”, just b/c you force them to say “they want it”, you are still a rapist.

77. If you hold someone down so that someone else can have sex with them, then you’re just as bad as a rapist.

78. If you know that someone doesn’t want to have sex, even if you were both playing around and having fun earlier, and you have sex with them anyway, then you’re a rapist. Even if that person never tells you that, you still are.

79. If you do not “finish” it does not mean it was not rape.

80. If she gets aroused it does not mean she wanted it. It’s still rape.

81. If she’s 15 and you’re 40 and she says yes because she’s scared and confused, it is still rape

82. If the person you are engaging in sexual activity with is your wife and she feels obligated because you have made it sound as if there is something wrong with her if she doesn’t, but you can see she doesn’t really want to, and you do it anyway, you are a rapist.

83. If you are hurting the person you are engaging in sex with to the point that they are crying, even if that person is your wife, you are a rapist! Just because you are married to someone does not give you the right to hurt that person physically. Wives are not possessions to be used like a cheep pair of shoes!

84. If you take advantage of a person who has physical and/or mental disabilities and is unable to comprehend or say the word “no,” but has not consented, you are a rapist.

85. If you have sex with someone who is sick enough that he or she cannot consent, you are a rapist.

86. A person with disabilities and/or serious illness does not owe you sex just b/c you spend a lot of time caring for him or her. A person with physical disabilities is not “responsible” for being raped due to her or his inability to physically resist sex or leave the room.

87. If you use your power as an authority figure, doctor, “man of the cloth,” teacher, to force someone to have sex or there will be awful consequences, such as going to Hell, you are a rapist.

88. If you are a doctor and you have sex with a patient who is helpless due to anesthesia or other drugs, you are a rapist.

89. If you coerce a person into having sex as “protection” against something worse, such as danger in wartime or rape by an unknown group of people, you are a rapist.

90. You are a rapist if you rape someone due to her or his engaging in behaviors you find “exciting,” such as homosexuality, cross-dressing, etc.

91. You are a rapist if you rape someone from an ethnic/racial group different from yours as a way of dehumanizing that person or her or his relatives/ethnic group.

92. You are a rapist if you force someone who is incarcerated or under investigation by a government to have sex for fear of dire consequences to the person or his or her friends or family.

93. You are a rapist if you force a prisoner or helpless person to “choose” between rape and some other form of torture.

94. You are a rapist if you rape someone as “punishment” for “disobeying” your religion or family’s or society’s rules about women’s roles. For example, not being “quiet” and “modest” enough, not “praying” hard enough, and choosing to date someone that she wants.

95. You are a rapist if you rape a man or boy to damage his self-esteem or make him look “weak” in front of family, friends, or others.

96. If there is not enough evidence for a trial, if the rape survivor tries to press charges but does not obtain a conviction, if she or he is subjected to victim blame, if the whole world thinks you are “nice” and “upstanding” and “loving” and “would never hurt a fly” – you are still a rapist.

97. Lack of evidence for a trial does not wipe away rape. Neither does your good standing in the community or your ability to hire a slick defense attorney who makes the survivor look bad.

98. If the rape survivor copes with the aftermath in ways that make her or him look “bad” or “crazy,” such as having emotional problems, needing a hospitalization, being self-destructive, or being “promiscuous,” you are a rapist.

99. If the rape survivor recants due to intense pressure from family or the threats you or others make, you are still a rapist.

100. If you victimize someone who is vulnerable due to poverty, mental illness, or homelessness, you are a rapist.

101. Even if you use a condom it is still rape when she is yelling ‘no.’

102. If your victim sues you, and you get the case dismissed you are still a rapist

103. Even if a jury says you are innocent you are still a rapist

104. Even if your victim can get into trouble for calling you a rapist (libel/defamation) you are still a rapist

105. Even if your parents brought you up that way you and they are still rapists

106. Even if you made your victim choose how she was to be raped you are still a rapist

107. you are a rapist if you had sex with someone that does not want it. period.

108. If you talked a naive nurse fresh out of college during the 1960s who was a virgin from a small Midwestern farm town with bad acne into believing that sex will clear up her skin, and YOU will administer the treatment, then do so even when she changes her mind and tries to leave by pushing her down and saying “This will only take a minute” while she keeps saying no, NO, NO! and while in excruciating pain from you taking her physical virginity away from her – it’s rape.

109. It is STILL rape even if she went back and did it again with you willingly a week later because she was confused, and even if you told her when she worried about getting pregnant after, “Don’t worry, I’ll just get you a back alley abortion, no big deal.”

110. It is STILL rape even if she couldn’t call it that, instead saying it was her “first time” and “a bad date” with “someone who was rude and inconsiderate” for 36 years after it happened, until she could finally call it what it was when her own daughter told her she’d been raped at the same age… with eerily similar factors involved in a few places, even though they had totally different and unrelated preps.

111. It is STILL rape just like it was and still is rape when you did it to all the other naive girls you fed the same bullshit to and took advantage of before you did it to my mother, you son of a bitch!

112. If you choose to disbelieve someone who has told you they were raped, you might as well be a rapist.

113. Even if your victim can’t say your name, can’t say out loud what you really are, can’t say out loud what really happened that night, still believes that she is more at fault than you, you are still one

114. If you know she’s frightened of you, you could be a rapist.

115. If you know you’re hurting her and don’t stop, you could be a rapist.

116: If you force yourself to believe that you want(ed) it because at the time it was easier for you to believe that than it would have been to believe you didn’t want it, it was still rape. Forcing yourself to believe you want it is not the same as actually wanting it.

117. If you made sure she was asleep when you got what you wanted, you are a rapist. If you laughed when she woke up and said she was in pain, you are a rapist.

118. If you forced her/his body to orgasm, it’s still rape, and YOU are most certainly, a RAPIST. That orgasm is no proof that it’s consensual sex. That orgasm means you’ve touched when and where you were not welcomed, and for far too long.

119. If you did not achieve or sustain an erection, but put your penis, fingers, tongue, object, etc., where it did NOT belong, it was RAPE as well. **NOTE: Your dysfunction does NOT give you an excuse to rape in these ways. Yes, yes, yes – you are most definitely a RAPIST.

The world I know


This post may be a little rambling.  I apologize ahead of time for that.  There is a vacuum cleaner running and I am having trouble focusing. 

I have been thinking very seriously about starting to write a book.  I don’t know if it would be a memoir type book or if I want it to be a fiction book.  I am not sure what characters I would include if it was a fiction book.  My therapist has suggested that I join a writing group…and I really do want to.  I have not had any luck with finding one yet.  I do so much better when I am given an idea of something to write.  Once I have that idea or assignment, my mind just builds it all out almost immediately and then the only trouble is getting it all out and onto the page. 

I did text based role play gaming on yahoo many years ago and for many years.  I created a fantasy world and had many guests in that world along the way.  In that world I acted out some of the things that happened to me on a fantastical scale with the female being stronger and being able to overcome what someone was doing to her…or with her getting revenge for what was done to her.  It was so empowering to me in that moment to be able to write it and have it be so. 

I wish that real life was that easy.  I wish that in real life there was a way to just write how we want it to be and make it so.  I thought that I was helping myself by doing the role play gaming but I have to wonder if I wasn’t just hurting myself more.  It is confusing.  It makes me sad to think that I contributed to my own feelings of fear and anger and sadness.

Today is the day….


Ok so today is the day that I start counseling.  I am glad to finally be starting with this and to finally be in a place where I can work on this issue….however…..it is scary.  I am very much a caretaker and I am very very much a giver….not quite so good with the taking care of myself or taking for myself.  I am a cancer (couldn’t you guess that??) and am very much the embodiment of a person with this particular astrological sign.  I hope to have a lot more to post about tonight after my first session.  Maybe that hefty dose of garlic at lunch wasn’t such a good idea….tic tac, anyone?

Love and acceptance


It has taken me a very long time to get to where I am ok with who and what I am.  For me to get to the point where I do not feel that I need the approval or acceptance of anyone but myself.  My question to you is, have you come to this place yet?

I apologize to you, my readers, because this post and all posts this weekend are likely to be very short.  My kiddo is home for the weekend and I do not really feel that comfortable writing about this subject matter with him here.  This is a part of my life that he does not know about and that I do not know if he ever will.  Just like the babies that I never got to hold in my arms because my body could not hold them.  There are some things that are better left not filling a 13 year old’s mind.  Maybe someday I will tell him what I have come through. Maybe.