I have been emotionally raw lately and not really able to write about it. I find myself falling and failing at a lot of things that I have been trying to do.
The support group is having a VERY VERY slow start. I am working with another woman on starting a group here in Columbus for the witches in the area. It is hard being so alone in faith sometimes and at the holidays it gets worse. This new group should be a good way for us to find community with each other, but even that is not without strife.
I find myself offending when I don’t mean to. I find myself socially awkward. I want to make plans and get the plans set in stone but that doesn’t happen and then I panic. I have a very hard time dealing with waiting for someone else to make plans…sometimes even waiting for someone else to text me back. It is not that I intend to offend anyone, but I do much better with structure and plans being made and set. I don’t deal well with chaos.
It is spring and the aches and pains have been worse this spring than they were all winter. I am hurting almost all the time…so I am moody and irritable. My hubby and I keep fighting because of this. I have arthritis. It is possible that I have fibromyalgia…but I cannot afford to go have the testing done because I am still paying off my deductible from last year.
It is also possible that I have asperger’s syndrome, but I cannot afford that testing either.
I am hopeful that this will lessen soon. I really hope that it does. I don’t know how much more I can take of this pain.
I guess the good thing is that while I am hurting like this I don’t much think about the emotional stuff I have going on because it hurts too much to focus on much else. **Sighs**Maybe one day I will move into a space where I am pain free….physically, mentally and emotionally….
I hate it. I hate that I can’t just lay down with my husband and go to sleep. He goes to sleep soooo fast. It is like he touches the pillow and is immediately snoring. I am so jealous of that. I wish that I could do that. Too many thoughts in my head.
Will we make all the bills on time?
Are the taxes going to get paid on time?
Is the air conditioner/water heater/furnace/refrigerator/stove/washer/dryer/etc. going to go out?
Is one of the cars going to stop running?
Is the insurance paid?
Does my mother hate me?
Does my son hate me?
Do I have any real friends?
Why doesn’t anybody like me?
Why is it that no one wants to be my friend once they get inside?
Am I unlovable?
Am I stupid?
Am I ugly?
Am I mean?
Am I worthy?
All of these thoughts and others roll through my head when I am trying to make my way to sleep. There is no laying down and drifting peacefully to sleep. Then once I am asleep the nightmares come. The nightmares are all different. There is rarely ever an actual sexual assault that happens but there are things which indicate it. There is almost always fear or an overwhelming sense of dread. There is sometimes a chase but not usually. There are times when I am me and times when I am someone else. Times when I am the one doing the bad things and I just can’t stop myself from doing them…and times when the bad things are done to me.
Does this mean that I am crazy? No. This means that I am a survivor dealing with the fallout of shattered trust, broken vows, horrible violations and complete loss of control. I am surviving this. I will not let it rule me. I will not let it ruin the life that I have built for myself and my son. I will not let it ruin the relationship that I have with my wonderful husband. I will not let them win…..
I just wish I could sleep…..