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Anniversary day….


This year I had scheduled to take today off of work.  Unfortunately I ended up missing two days of work for being sick and was not able to take the day off because we were really busy here at work.  Today I have been trying very hard not to feel this feeling and these feelings.  Today I have tried very very hard not to let the past ruin the day and not to let myself see that day again over and over again in my head.

See the thing is, even though it has been 18 years today, I can still remember exactly what I was wearing, what we had for dinner, all of the events leading up to and following what happened.  And I cannot shake it.

Today I am listening to Tori Amos and knowing that I am not alone.  I am trying very hard to not cry today.  Today is really hard for me.

I am sorry to everyone for not being here and for not posting like I had intended.  I have been having a hard time with this day coming and now with it being here and I really think that I can go back to being better after this.

Silent All These Years makes me think of my childhood….and what happened….and those feelings I cannot shake….

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Big News!!!


I have officially booked the room for the first three support group meetings!!! My business cards should be arriving soon. I also ordered post cards to post around town. I am really feeling like this is finally really coming together. I am nervous but really excited. I cannot wait for the meetings to begin. My husband keeps saying that I am going to end up as someone with a lot of influence. Whether I do or not this feels like such important work. I just wish that I had more time to devote to it!

Just because you are paranoid does not mean that they are not all out to get you


Now don’t get me wrong….I do not feel this way now.  I have in the past, though.  Randomly, out of the blue, I would just start feeling like everyone was talking about me.  Like they were all out to get me into some sort of trouble.

I know what you are thinking (see still a bit paranoid)…You are thinking “This chick  has lost her mind!”

What you might not realize is that I am not alone.  As a survivor of a crime perpetrated by someone that was a friend/aquaintance/love/partner it is not uncommon.  I have found, through talking with other survivors, that we do tend to have a bit of paranoia going on.  Some would even say “A healthy dose of paranoia keeps you safe.”  But when is it too much?

I, personally, have had times when I felt like I could lock myself away from the entire world because I couldn’t trust anyone.  I know that this is not a healthy dose of paranoia…this is more like OD’ing on paranoia.

I would like to invite you all to open this discussion up.  I would like to have an open dialogue with you, my readers, to know your thoughts on this and share my own.  I feel that it is important to openly communicate on this one.  I think we could learn alot from each other.

Love and light,

Lucky

How am I feeling now?


Well I am glad that you asked.  I am actually feeling pretty good.  I am sorry I have not posted a lot lately.  Things have been CRAZY busy.  The month of October usually is.  I finally finished my son’s blanket (which is fracking awesome!).  I have started saying Frack a lot instead of Fuck in an effort to curb the cursing.  I have gotten put on new medications which will hopefully take care of my lower regions medical woes and get me back to feeling better.  I am going onto a new med which should facilitate weight loss (YAY!) and the world seems to be looking up.

I have been doing a lot of house cleaning the past few days.  I spent 4 hours on laundry last night folding, hanging up, putting away, washing, drying….blah.  I have been doing dishes more regularly and making myself be up and moving around cooking and whatnot when I get home so that I don’t get as stiff. 

I am still looking to start that support group.  Any ideas on flyers or posters?  I am going to a retreat with my hubby next month for survivors (our anniversary weekend) and am hoping to get some good information there.

I did miss my cultural sensitivity training from INCASA.  I had to go to the dentist.  Actually, the first time in 13 years.  Pretty good though.  Only 3 cavities.  I knew I had periodontal disease but we are getting that treated and working towards keeping my teeth in my mouth where they belong.  So far so good.  I am glad I finally decided to go.  I don’t know why I was so scared to.

Anyways, I am going to try to get on here more to post about relevant topics to this blog.  I just wanted  you to all know that I did not forget about you.  I appreciate each and every one of you.  I keep getting more and more subscribers and followers on twitter.  I feel blessed to be doing something that can help make a difference, even if only to one person.

Please give me ideas for posts.  If you would like to see me write about something, let me know.  You can either leave it in a comment here or email it to  me at whereismyreallife@gmail.com and I will try to write about every topic I get.  I will also give credit to the requestor.

Thank you all for reading my blog.  Thank you for being there for me.  Thank you for letting me be there for you.

Love and light,

Lucky

P.S. I have recently realized that somehow after all that has come before in my life, my rose colored glasses do seem to be pretty much still intact.  Some small cracks and some days I cannot find them, but for the most part I win.

Tests to be done on Friday….Worried about flashback….


Ok so in a totally gross turn of events I will say that I have had to do hemacults which are disgusting (slides from excrement from back door) because there has been blood.  There has been a lot of blood which was scary and I went to the doc and they made me do these culture thingys.  It was thoroughly disgusting and I nearly threw up several times.  All three came back positive for blood so they sent me to a gastroenterologist.  The gastroentrologist sent me to the hospital to do blood work and prepare for a colonoscopy on Friday.  I am worried about a great many things.  I am worried about the pains that I have been having and the blood.  I am worried that they will find something horribly wrong with me.  I am worried that I will go into a flashback.

One of my ex boyfriends raped me anally.  I am worried that when I am put into conscious sedation that I will go into a flashback.  This is a very real possibility with them going through the back door.  I want to talk to my doctor’s office about it but I did not even think about it before hand.  I will try to call them tomorrow and see if they will be able to do something different because of my trauma.

To top it off they still have not sent my FMLA paperwork back to my office so my boss doesn’t have confirmation from HR that this will be covered under FMLA and short term disability….so I may have to use my last few vacation days now instead of having time off with my family at Christmas which sucks because I have actually never gotten to take that week of Christmas off and I was looking forward to finally having the seniority to do that. **Sighs**I am freaking out a little bit.  I am sad that I have to be freaking out and that I have to worry about my money situation on top of the freaking out part.

It isn’t fair!  Dammit I want my real life….The one where I don’t have to worry about flashbacks or triggers and I don’t have to go for gross tests and do even grosser cultures.  The one where I am healthy, happy and free from stress and strain.  Where can I go to get that life back?

I am getting to a breaking point…I may snap….


So my husband and I were awakened today by  my son knocking on the door to tell us he didn’t feel good.  My husband had the idea that my son should drink a glass of milk and take a hot bath.  What the hell???  A child that is sick does not need milk which can curdle in their stomach and does not need a “hot bath” when they are already running a fever.  I gave him some ibuprofen and asked my husband to get him some sprite.  So instead of getting a 2ltr of sprite he goes to hardee’s and gets breakfast and gets him a large sprite…like this is going to be enough for the poor kid who is sick.

After he comes home, said kid gets to feeling somewhat better and plays video games for a while so husband reiterates that a hot bath may be a good idea.  I said no but kiddo listened to his step dad because after all what does mama know, right?  Well kid takes hot bath and gets so nauseous this time he throws up.  Throws up after just taking ibuprofen so do not know if he got any of the medicine or not….can’t give him more…now my mother, which has custody of my kiddo calls and is told how my husband told him to drink milk and take a hot bath and she is in an uproar and wanting to come get him now and making me feel like I don’t know what the hell I am doing about being a mom and taking care of my sick kid….

Oh I forgot to mention that during all of this I had bought stuff yesterday to make my husband a caramel apple pie and so I was looking up the recipe and since I did not know the recipe off the top of my head like some kind of baking genius, and actually had to look up a recipe, then I was told I didn’t know what I was doing with that and if I had to look up the pie recipe he might as well do it himself.  Then he had the nerve to tell me how if I wanted to do something nice for someone I should ask them what they want instead of just assuming.  This is the manipulative shit he pulls on me when I am trying to do something nice and he makes me feel like shit for it.  Tells me if I had just asked him what he wanted then I would not have been so disappointed when he didn’t want what I was doing.  I didn’t ask him because I was going to surprise him with this beautiful caramel apple pie that he said was his favorite type of pie and that he had been asking for for a few years but I had not had the time or motivation to make it for him before.  So I was trying to make this as a surprise for him and he shits all over it and then tells me how it is my fault that he did that because I didn’t ask him first.  What kind of abusive manipulative shit is that??????  And the worst part is that he doesn’t even realize he is abusing me with this talk and this attitude.  He thinks that his behavior and his saying these things is helpful to me.  I do not know how someone can be so far off the mark as to think that this is helpful.  How can he not see that he is being very hurtful and mentally abusive to me????  How can he not see that????  And the bad part is that he is going to read this and then he is going to get all sullen and then he is going to make me feel bad for feeling this way and then he will do the same thing all over again.  This is mental cruelty that he is doing and he refuses to see it.

Oh and did I mention that this is all going on while I am trying to take care of my sick kid that has a temperature over 101?  My kid is sick and now getting upset that his mom is being talked to this way and his step dad is being hurtful and emotionally harmful to his mom while he is trying to not throw up….and I am trying not to do anything more to make my kid feel worse…trying to help him feel better and getting berated for trying to do something nice.  Being bullied because I did not have a memorized recipe and I didn’t ASK HIM before I bought the stuff to make him something he said was his favorite dessert.  Like I have to ASK HIM if I want to surprise him with anything.

My therapist told me that I should do things to make my husband feel special and less insecure and be more intimate with him.  I told him that and then came home to him thinking about all the ways that I can make him feel good….not about how he can make me feel good in return but how I can make him feel good.  As if he hadn’t had enough selfish tendencies when it comes to having sex anyways.  Now it comes back full circle to me actually trying to open back up to him after all these months of trying to let go of him being so selfish in the beginning and get back to being giving like I had always been before and he is going right back to the selfishness.

 

Therapy again today


It went really well.  She thinks that I may be a bit manic…I just hope that is not followed by a depressive state.  Right now I have a ton of projects going on.

1. Working on getting the info for the support group to get that started.

2. Working on this blog.

3. Getting involved with INCASA

4. Possibly getting involved with RAINN.

5. Looking for a writing group here in town and if I cannot find one, going to start one.

6. Looking into starting a writing group.

7. Work.

8. Being a wife.

9. Being a mom.

10. Crocheting a blanket for my wonderful teenage son.  It is Xbox green, white and black striped.

11. Knitting a beautiful scarf for my lovely friend Emi.

12. Working on knitting a shawl for the daughter of the worlds coolest boss….my boss 🙂

13. Writing.

14. Working on making my husband feel loved and nurtured even though sometimes I cannot be physical.

15. Art projects.

16. Therapy

17.Trying to work on a new song that I have not told Hubby about yet because it is kind of for him.

So as you can see I have a lot going on and I don’t know where I am finding the time to do it all.  Sometimes it feels like I am doing so much that nothing gets done.  Sometimes it feels like I am so over committed that I cannot breathe.  My husband thinks that I do this to keep from having to deal with things.  Maybe he is right, but a lot of this I am doing so that I can deal with things.  Never ending cycle I guess.  I am working on it though.  Trying to stay positive and remain happy.  The world is my canvas…I will paint it to be what I want it to be….I will bend it to my will and it will be mine 🙂

Love and Light!

Rapist Checklist


I compiled this list from a forums group I was involved in previously.  I think that this is something that can help validate and explain what rape really is:
This is something that I have found in the forums of my support group and it has been very validating and helpful for me.  I thought that I would send this out to the people that I care about in hopes that this can make it out to other people who may need the confirmation and validation that this has helped me with.  NO ONE deserves to be raped or brutalized in any way.  Our bodies are our own and NO ONE has the right to do anything to us or to our body that we do not want.  We will be VICTIMS NO MORE!  It is time that we make a stand and take back our lives.  *If you have any questions or comments please do not hesitate to leave them in the comments!  My husband and I have had some pretty major discussions about this.

The Rapist Checklist

Things to remember…

1. You are a rapist if you get a girl drunk and have sex with her.

2. You are a rapist if you find a drunk girl and have sex with her.

3. You are a rapist if you get yourself drunk too and have sex with her. Your drunkenness is no excuse.

4. If you are BOTH drunk you may still be a rapist.

5. If she’s alternating between puking her guts out and passing out in the bed then you’re a rapist.

6. If she’s sleeping and you have sex with her you’re a rapist.

7. If she’s unconscious and you have sex with her then you’re a rapist.

8. If she’s taking sleeping pills and doesn’t wake up when you have sex with her then you’re a rapist.

9. If she is incapacitated in any way and unable to say ‘Yes’ then you’re a rapist.

10. If you drug her then you’re a rapist.

11. If you find a drugged girl and have sex with her then you’re a rapist.

12. If you don’t bother to ask her permission and she says neither ‘Yes’ nor ‘No’ then you could be a rapist.

13. You are a rapist if you ‘nag’ her for sex. Because you manage to ply an eventual ‘yes’ from a weary victim doesn’t mean it’s not rape. You are a rapist.

14. You are a rapist if you try to circumvent her “No” by talking her into it. She’s not playing hard to get, and, even if she IS it’s not YOUR responsibility to ‘get’ her. You’re still a rapist.

15. You are a rapist if you manipulate her into sex when she doesn’t otherwise want it. If you say, “If you loved me you’d do X” then you’re a rapist. If you say, “All the other kids are doing it!” then you’re a rapist.

16. If you threaten her, or act in a way that SHE thinks you’re threatening her, then you’re a rapist. If you puff up and get loud and frustrated while trying to ‘talk’ her into sex then you’re a rapist.

17. You are a rapist if you don’t immediately get your hands off of her when she says ‘no’. You are a rapist if you take your hands off of her and then put them back ON her after 10 minutes and she eventually ‘gives in’ to this tactic.

18. You are a rapist if you won’t let her sleep peacefully without waking her every 15 minutes asking her for sex. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and YOU are a rapist.

19. If you’re necking with her and you’re naked and you’ve already gone down on her and she says ‘No’ to sex with you and you have sex with her anyway then you’re a rapist.

20. If you’re engaged in intercourse and she says ‘No’ at ANY point and you don’t immediately stop then you’re a rapist.

21. If she said “Yes” to sex with a condom and that condom breaks and you proceed anyway then you’re a rapist.

22. If she picked you up at a bar looking for sex and then decides that she doesn’t WANT sex and you continue then you’re a rapist.

23. If she changes her mind at ANY point for ANY reason and you don’t immediately back off or you try to talk her into it and get sex anyway then you’re a rapist.

24. If you don’t hit her and she says ‘No’ you’re still a rapist.

25. If you don’t have a knife or a gun or a garrote and she says ‘No’ then you’re still a rapist.

26. If you’re a friend of hers you can still be a rapist.

27. If you had sex with her the night before but she doesn’t want morning sex and you pressure her for it anyway then you’re a rapist.

28. If you’re her husband you can still be a rapist.

29. If it’s your wedding night and she doesn’t WANT to have sex with you and you force or coerce her anyway then you’re a rapist.

30. If she’s had sex with you hundreds of times before but doesn’t want to on the 101st time then you’re a rapist.

31. If you penetrate her anally, orally or digitally against her will then YOU my friend, are ALSO a rapist.

32. Women do not owe you sex.

33. Buying her dinner does not entitle you to sex.

34. Paying her mortgage does not entitle you to sex.

35. Buying her clothing does not entitle you to sex.

36. Buying her lingerie does not entitle you to sex. It also doesn’t mean that she has any obligation to wear that lingerie around you.

37. Spending any amount of money on her does not, ever, entitles you to sex.

38. Seeing her legs or cleavage does not entitle you to sex.

39. If she ‘turns you on’ you’re not entitled to sex.

40. If she has had sex with every man in a 10 square mile radius and she doesn’t want to have sex with you and you have sex with her anyway, then you’re a rapist.

41. Her clothing is not a reason for you to rape her. Her LACK of clothing is no reason to rape her. If she’s wearing a thong and pasties you STILL have no right to rape her.

42. If she’s a prostitute and she says “No” then you’re a rapist.

43. If she’s a stripper and she says “No” then you’re a rapist. Likewise, if she’s a stripper and she’s been rubbing against your genitals all night long and you follow her to her car and have sex with her against her will then you are ALSO a rapist.

44. If you watch a woman being raped without calling the authorities then you’re as bad as a rapist and you may also be a rapist yourself.

45. If you don’t fight rape then you accept rape.

46. If you don’t believe a woman when she says she was raped then you’re encouraging rape.

47. If you choose to remain friends with a man who raped a woman you are encouraging rape.

48. If you confess to the authorities that you raped a woman it does not exonerate you. You are not suddenly a model of good behavior.

49. If you ‘only’ raped one woman, you’re STILL a rapist.

50. You cannot tell who is a rapist by the way they look. Rapists are your friends, your brothers, your fathers and you won’t know it.

51. Do not get frustrated with a woman if she doesn’t trust you. SHE already knows that rapists don’t wear signs on their foreheads. Something you think is innocuous SHE may find terrifying.

52. If you have been dating for a year and you are both naked and she says no and you still do, even though you did not hit her and she just lies there, then you are a rapist. Saying “I love you” does not make it go away.   Proposing after rape, doesn’t make it NOT RAPE.

53. If you bother and pursue a girl until you “wear her down” enough to be alone and then do not ask permission to have sex with her and/or ignore her “No,” then you are a rapist.

54. Long-time friendship does not eliminate you as a rapist. Crying and guilt tripping a woman/man with manipulation to isolate him/her and then ignoring their “No”, makes you a rapist.

55. If you are having sex with someone and they say no, and you stop, and then try again 2 minutes later by shoving your genitals in her/his face, you are a rapist.

56. When you force her to have sex with you and you apologize and she forgives you, you still raped her.

57. If she is high and says no and you call it “rough sex” because she was “too messed up to know what was going on, it is still rape!!!!

58. If he penetrates you with his finger or his tongue, after nagging and guilt-tripping you into saying yes, then it is still rape (even if your legal system says it’s only rape if he penetrates you with his penis).

59. If you have sex with someone younger than the age of consent, it is rape and it is your responsibility to check that you are always within the laws about under-age sex … no matter how old she or he looks, or acts, or whether they seem to want it or not, or how mature they are, having sex with a child is rape and being a child is defined only by time on this earth, not anything else.

60. If you change your mind and stop before you are ‘finished’ you STILL raped her

61. Claiming that “it just slipped in” does NOT exonerate you either. It is still rape

62. If someone you victimized has the courage to take you to court and you’re found not guilty, it does not mean you’re innocent, it just means that the low conviction rate in your country was on your side, and that’s all. You still know what you did and it is still rape.

63. Someone having the guts to report you or “out” you to friends and/or family for rape does not entitle you to stalk and harass them into being quiet. Nor does it entitle you to play God with their life. Take your lumps for a change if you are guilty, stop justifying your actions, and pay up.

64. If you are part of a group of people, and as a group you choose to rape someone, each and every one of you is a rapist. It is not OK to say later that the leader of the group “talked you into it” or that you were “scared” of what the leader would do if you refused. Think of what the victim had to deal with.   “Pack mentality” or “mob mentality” does NOT excuse rape.

65. If you are with one other man or woman, and the two of you rape someone, you are also a rapist, even if you are not the leader. It is not OK to say that “well, I was not acting on my own, not my fault.”

66. If you coerce someone into sex out of fear that you will harm a child in his or her care, you are a rapist. Example: breaking into a stranger’s house and demanding sex or you will kill the baby.

67.  If you rape a man or boy, you are a rapist. Rape victimizes both genders.

68. If you are female and you force someone of either gender to have sex against their will, you are a rapist.

69. If you regret it afterwards, if you turn yourself in, if you “find God,” you have still raped someone.

70. If you demand sex and state that if you do not get it, you will kill the victim or his or her friends or family, you are a rapist.

71. If you are a teenager or adult, not a child, and you shun a rape survivor for acting strange when you know that he or she was assaulted, you are not a rapist but you are not acting like a good person either.

72. If a kid lays there and doesn’t protest, it is still rape.

73. If she has played with kinky/rough sex before, it is not an excuse to call her protests a game, or anything else other than rape.

74. If you hear someone begging you to stop hurting them while you take what you want, you are a rapist.

75. If someone says “no”, but you MAKE her/him say “yes”, you are still a rapist.

76. You are a rapist if you make the person say “they like it” even when you can clearly see them crying and you know they already said “no”, just b/c you force them to say “they want it”, you are still a rapist.

77. If you hold someone down so that someone else can have sex with them, then you’re just as bad as a rapist.

78. If you know that someone doesn’t want to have sex, even if you were both playing around and having fun earlier, and you have sex with them anyway, then you’re a rapist. Even if that person never tells you that, you still are.

79. If you do not “finish” it does not mean it was not rape.

80. If she gets aroused it does not mean she wanted it. It’s still rape.

81. If she’s 15 and you’re 40 and she says yes because she’s scared and confused, it is still rape

82. If the person you are engaging in sexual activity with is your wife and she feels obligated because you have made it sound as if there is something wrong with her if she doesn’t, but you can see she doesn’t really want to, and you do it anyway, you are a rapist.

83. If you are hurting the person you are engaging in sex with to the point that they are crying, even if that person is your wife, you are a rapist! Just because you are married to someone does not give you the right to hurt that person physically. Wives are not possessions to be used like a cheep pair of shoes!

84. If you take advantage of a person who has physical and/or mental disabilities and is unable to comprehend or say the word “no,” but has not consented, you are a rapist.

85. If you have sex with someone who is sick enough that he or she cannot consent, you are a rapist.

86. A person with disabilities and/or serious illness does not owe you sex just b/c you spend a lot of time caring for him or her. A person with physical disabilities is not “responsible” for being raped due to her or his inability to physically resist sex or leave the room.

87. If you use your power as an authority figure, doctor, “man of the cloth,” teacher, to force someone to have sex or there will be awful consequences, such as going to Hell, you are a rapist.

88. If you are a doctor and you have sex with a patient who is helpless due to anesthesia or other drugs, you are a rapist.

89. If you coerce a person into having sex as “protection” against something worse, such as danger in wartime or rape by an unknown group of people, you are a rapist.

90. You are a rapist if you rape someone due to her or his engaging in behaviors you find “exciting,” such as homosexuality, cross-dressing, etc.

91. You are a rapist if you rape someone from an ethnic/racial group different from yours as a way of dehumanizing that person or her or his relatives/ethnic group.

92. You are a rapist if you force someone who is incarcerated or under investigation by a government to have sex for fear of dire consequences to the person or his or her friends or family.

93. You are a rapist if you force a prisoner or helpless person to “choose” between rape and some other form of torture.

94. You are a rapist if you rape someone as “punishment” for “disobeying” your religion or family’s or society’s rules about women’s roles. For example, not being “quiet” and “modest” enough, not “praying” hard enough, and choosing to date someone that she wants.

95. You are a rapist if you rape a man or boy to damage his self-esteem or make him look “weak” in front of family, friends, or others.

96. If there is not enough evidence for a trial, if the rape survivor tries to press charges but does not obtain a conviction, if she or he is subjected to victim blame, if the whole world thinks you are “nice” and “upstanding” and “loving” and “would never hurt a fly” – you are still a rapist.

97. Lack of evidence for a trial does not wipe away rape. Neither does your good standing in the community or your ability to hire a slick defense attorney who makes the survivor look bad.

98. If the rape survivor copes with the aftermath in ways that make her or him look “bad” or “crazy,” such as having emotional problems, needing a hospitalization, being self-destructive, or being “promiscuous,” you are a rapist.

99. If the rape survivor recants due to intense pressure from family or the threats you or others make, you are still a rapist.

100. If you victimize someone who is vulnerable due to poverty, mental illness, or homelessness, you are a rapist.

101. Even if you use a condom it is still rape when she is yelling ‘no.’

102. If your victim sues you, and you get the case dismissed you are still a rapist

103. Even if a jury says you are innocent you are still a rapist

104. Even if your victim can get into trouble for calling you a rapist (libel/defamation) you are still a rapist

105. Even if your parents brought you up that way you and they are still rapists

106. Even if you made your victim choose how she was to be raped you are still a rapist

107. you are a rapist if you had sex with someone that does not want it. period.

108. If you talked a naive nurse fresh out of college during the 1960s who was a virgin from a small Midwestern farm town with bad acne into believing that sex will clear up her skin, and YOU will administer the treatment, then do so even when she changes her mind and tries to leave by pushing her down and saying “This will only take a minute” while she keeps saying no, NO, NO! and while in excruciating pain from you taking her physical virginity away from her – it’s rape.

109. It is STILL rape even if she went back and did it again with you willingly a week later because she was confused, and even if you told her when she worried about getting pregnant after, “Don’t worry, I’ll just get you a back alley abortion, no big deal.”

110. It is STILL rape even if she couldn’t call it that, instead saying it was her “first time” and “a bad date” with “someone who was rude and inconsiderate” for 36 years after it happened, until she could finally call it what it was when her own daughter told her she’d been raped at the same age… with eerily similar factors involved in a few places, even though they had totally different and unrelated preps.

111. It is STILL rape just like it was and still is rape when you did it to all the other naive girls you fed the same bullshit to and took advantage of before you did it to my mother, you son of a bitch!

112. If you choose to disbelieve someone who has told you they were raped, you might as well be a rapist.

113. Even if your victim can’t say your name, can’t say out loud what you really are, can’t say out loud what really happened that night, still believes that she is more at fault than you, you are still one

114. If you know she’s frightened of you, you could be a rapist.

115. If you know you’re hurting her and don’t stop, you could be a rapist.

116: If you force yourself to believe that you want(ed) it because at the time it was easier for you to believe that than it would have been to believe you didn’t want it, it was still rape. Forcing yourself to believe you want it is not the same as actually wanting it.

117. If you made sure she was asleep when you got what you wanted, you are a rapist. If you laughed when she woke up and said she was in pain, you are a rapist.

118. If you forced her/his body to orgasm, it’s still rape, and YOU are most certainly, a RAPIST. That orgasm is no proof that it’s consensual sex. That orgasm means you’ve touched when and where you were not welcomed, and for far too long.

119. If you did not achieve or sustain an erection, but put your penis, fingers, tongue, object, etc., where it did NOT belong, it was RAPE as well. **NOTE: Your dysfunction does NOT give you an excuse to rape in these ways. Yes, yes, yes – you are most definitely a RAPIST.

Insomnia…..


I hate it.  I hate that I can’t just lay down with my husband and go to sleep.  He goes to sleep soooo fast.  It is like he touches the pillow and is immediately snoring.  I am so jealous of that.  I wish that I could do that.  Too many thoughts in my head.

Will we make all the bills on time?

Are the taxes going to get paid on time?

Is the air conditioner/water heater/furnace/refrigerator/stove/washer/dryer/etc. going to go out?

Is one of the cars going to stop running?

Is the insurance paid?

Does my mother hate me?

Does my son hate me?

Do I have any real friends?

Why doesn’t anybody like me?

Why is it that no one wants to be my friend once they get inside?

Am I unlovable?

Am I stupid?

Am I ugly?

Am I mean?

Am I worthy?

All of these thoughts and others roll through my head when I am trying to make my way to sleep.  There is no laying down and drifting peacefully to sleep.  Then once I am asleep the nightmares come.  The nightmares are all different.  There is rarely ever an actual sexual assault that happens but there are things which indicate it.  There is almost always fear or an overwhelming sense of dread.  There is sometimes a chase but not usually.  There are times when I am me and times when I am someone else.  Times when I am the one doing the bad things and I just can’t stop myself from doing them…and times when the bad things are done to me.

Does this mean that I am crazy?  No.  This means that I am a survivor dealing with the fallout of shattered trust, broken vows, horrible violations and complete loss of control.  I am surviving this.  I will not let it rule me.  I will not let it ruin the life that I have built for myself and my son.  I will not let it ruin the relationship that I have with my wonderful husband.  I will not let them win…..

I just wish I could sleep…..

So my social anxiety may have gotten the best of me….or maybe I was just not welcome….


Ok so here is what went down.  My husband and I split up for about a month earlier this year.  We are working on things and are stronger than ever…but there were some friends who were involved.  My friends and his friends.  Now most of the people who are his friends are people we work with.  He got invited to a birthday party and made it seem like we were both invited.  So I got off work, went home, did my hair, put on make up and got all dressed up.  We went but the party time changed so we went out to eat at an Indian restaurant.  It did not agree with him.  By the time we got to the bar he was really in bad shape.  So he headed towards the closest bathroom.  We were spotted and I didn’t want to be rude so while he went home, I went in and hung out until he could make it back.  Two hours later he made it back and we all hung out.  Then….they all wanted to leave to go back to the hotel room.  We were invited back with them.  It was fun and everyone was having a good time but I felt awkward.  Everyone was changing clothes and I did not know that it was that kind of party so I said that we would go back home and I would change clothes into something more comfortable and then we would be back.  I texted to see how many glasses were needed because there were not enough in the suite.  I was texted back that none were needed.  I asked if they even wanted me to come back and I was informed that they were all shit-faced and I was better off where I was.  I don’t have the birthday girl’s number.  She seemed to be the only one who really wanted me there.  Instead I got my feelings hurt and basically was told not to bother coming back.  Now maybe this is me being a little overly sensitive.  But seriously.  If you were going to be like that, why would you not just make an excuse before I left and came home and was getting ready to head back out there door.  WTF??  I am sorry but this is just not the way you treat someone that you want to be friends with.  So my only conclusion can be that they don’t really want to be friends with me.  Do you think that I am wrong?