Big News!!!


I have officially booked the room for the first three support group meetings!!! My business cards should be arriving soon. I also ordered post cards to post around town. I am really feeling like this is finally really coming together. I am nervous but really excited. I cannot wait for the meetings to begin. My husband keeps saying that I am going to end up as someone with a lot of influence. Whether I do or not this feels like such important work. I just wish that I had more time to devote to it!

Prolonged Absence…I apologize….


I want to apologize to you, my readers and fellow survivors.  Things have been CRAZY busy this holiday season.  I have been making a lot of gifts which has kept me away from the computer.  After the New Year I have plans to start my support group (nerves!!!) and to begin working (hopefully) with Turning Point Domestic Violence Services.  I really hope that I do get to do some work with them, as they are who runs our local domestic abuse shelter and I feel that I can do a lot of good there.

Lots of love to you all.  Keep fighting the good fight.  Keep strong in your resolve.  Know that I love you all and I am just an email away.  Please do not hesitate to email me if you need to talk.  My email is whereismyreallife@gmail.com and I hope that you know I will be there for you if you need me.

Love and light to you all and a joyous holiday (whatever your holiday!)

Lucky

***I have been asked to add an addendum to this post.  Above I mention the support group and I mention Turning Point Domestic Violence Services.  I want to make it clear that the support group is not something that is tied to Turning Point.  Unfortunately they do not have any services like this available.  This is why I am doing the support group all on my own.

OVER IT by Eve Ensler.


This is copied from the Huffington Post site.  This article was not written by me.  This was written by the brilliant Ms. Eve Ensler.  I read this and had to share it with you guys.  I am over it too.  I agree with the OCCUPYRAPE part.  Countdown to Vday 2013.  I will be sharing this with my support group when it gets started.  We are getting closer to that time!

 

I am over rape.

I am over rape culture, rape mentality, rape pages on Facebook.

I am over the thousands of people who signed those pages with their real names without shame.

I am over people demanding their right to rape pages, and calling it freedom of speech or justifying it as a joke.

I am over people not understanding that rape is not a joke and I am over being told I don’t have a sense of humor, and women don’t have a sense of humor, when most women I know (and I know a lot) are really fucking funny. We just don’t think that uninvited penises up our anus, or our vagina is a laugh riot.

I am over how long it seems to take anyone to ever respond to rape. I am over Facebook taking weeks to take down rape pages.

I am over the hundreds of thousands of women in Congo still waiting for the rapes to end and the rapists to be held accountable.

I am over the thousands of women in Bosnia, Burma, Pakistan, South Africa, Guatemala, Sierra Leone, Haiti, Afghanistan, Libya, you name a place, still waiting for justice.

I am over rape happening in broad daylight.

I am over the 207 clinics in Ecuador supported by the government that are capturing, raping, and torturing lesbians to make them straight.

I am over one in three women in the U.S military (Happy Veterans Day!) getting raped by their so-called “comrades.”

I am over the forces that deny women who have been raped the right to have an abortion.

I am over the fact that after four women came forward with allegations that Herman Cain groped them and grabbed them and humiliated them, he is still running for the President of the United States.

And I’m over CNBC debate host Maria Bartiromo getting booed when she asked him about it. She was booed, not Herman Cain.

Which reminds me, I am so over the students at Penn State who protested the justice system instead of the alleged rapist pedophile of at least 8 boys, or his boss Joe Paterno, who did nothing to protect those children after knowing what was happening to them.

I am over rape victims becoming re-raped when they go public.

I am over starving Somalian women being raped at the Dadaab refugee camp in Kenya, and I am over women getting raped at Occupy Wall Street and being quiet about it because they were protecting a movement which is fighting to end the pillaging and raping of the economy and the earth, as if the rape of their bodies was something separate.

I am over women still being silent about rape, because they are made to believe it’s their fault or they did something to make it happen.

I am over violence against women not being a #1 international priority when one out of three women will be raped or beaten in her lifetime — the destruction and muting and undermining of women is the destruction of life itself. No women, no future, duh.

I am over this rape culture where the privileged with political and physical and economic might, take what and who they want, when they want it, as much as they want, any time they want it. I am over the endless resurrection of the careers of rapists and sexual exploiters — film directors, world leaders, corporate executives, movie stars, athletes — while the lives of the women they violated are permanently destroyed, often forcing them to live in social and emotional exile.

I am over the passivity of good men. Where the hell are you? You live with us, make love with us, father us, befriend us, brother us, get nurtured and mothered and eternally supported by us, so why aren’t you standing with us? Why aren’t you driven to the point of madness and action by the rape and humiliation of us?

I am over years and years of being over rape.

And thinking about rape every day of my life since I was 5-years-old.

And getting sick from rape, and depressed from rape, and enraged by rape.

And reading my insanely crowded inbox of rape horror stories every hour of every single day.

I am over being polite about rape.

It’s been too long now, we have been too understanding.

We need to OCCUPYRAPE in every school, park, radio, TV station, household, office, factory, refugee camp, military base, back room, night club, alleyway, courtroom, UN office. We need people to truly try and imagine — once and for all — what it feels like to have your body invaded, your mind splintered, your soul shattered.

We need to let our rage and our compassion connect us so we can change the paradigm of global rape.

 There are approximately one billion women on the planet who have been violated.

ONE BILLION WOMEN.

The time is now.

Prepare for the escalation.

Today it begins, moving toward February 14, 2013, when one billion women will rise to end rape.

 Because we are over it.

Just because you are paranoid does not mean that they are not all out to get you


Now don’t get me wrong….I do not feel this way now.  I have in the past, though.  Randomly, out of the blue, I would just start feeling like everyone was talking about me.  Like they were all out to get me into some sort of trouble.

I know what you are thinking (see still a bit paranoid)…You are thinking “This chick  has lost her mind!”

What you might not realize is that I am not alone.  As a survivor of a crime perpetrated by someone that was a friend/aquaintance/love/partner it is not uncommon.  I have found, through talking with other survivors, that we do tend to have a bit of paranoia going on.  Some would even say “A healthy dose of paranoia keeps you safe.”  But when is it too much?

I, personally, have had times when I felt like I could lock myself away from the entire world because I couldn’t trust anyone.  I know that this is not a healthy dose of paranoia…this is more like OD’ing on paranoia.

I would like to invite you all to open this discussion up.  I would like to have an open dialogue with you, my readers, to know your thoughts on this and share my own.  I feel that it is important to openly communicate on this one.  I think we could learn alot from each other.

Love and light,

Lucky

How am I feeling now?


Well I am glad that you asked.  I am actually feeling pretty good.  I am sorry I have not posted a lot lately.  Things have been CRAZY busy.  The month of October usually is.  I finally finished my son’s blanket (which is fracking awesome!).  I have started saying Frack a lot instead of Fuck in an effort to curb the cursing.  I have gotten put on new medications which will hopefully take care of my lower regions medical woes and get me back to feeling better.  I am going onto a new med which should facilitate weight loss (YAY!) and the world seems to be looking up.

I have been doing a lot of house cleaning the past few days.  I spent 4 hours on laundry last night folding, hanging up, putting away, washing, drying….blah.  I have been doing dishes more regularly and making myself be up and moving around cooking and whatnot when I get home so that I don’t get as stiff. 

I am still looking to start that support group.  Any ideas on flyers or posters?  I am going to a retreat with my hubby next month for survivors (our anniversary weekend) and am hoping to get some good information there.

I did miss my cultural sensitivity training from INCASA.  I had to go to the dentist.  Actually, the first time in 13 years.  Pretty good though.  Only 3 cavities.  I knew I had periodontal disease but we are getting that treated and working towards keeping my teeth in my mouth where they belong.  So far so good.  I am glad I finally decided to go.  I don’t know why I was so scared to.

Anyways, I am going to try to get on here more to post about relevant topics to this blog.  I just wanted  you to all know that I did not forget about you.  I appreciate each and every one of you.  I keep getting more and more subscribers and followers on twitter.  I feel blessed to be doing something that can help make a difference, even if only to one person.

Please give me ideas for posts.  If you would like to see me write about something, let me know.  You can either leave it in a comment here or email it to  me at whereismyreallife@gmail.com and I will try to write about every topic I get.  I will also give credit to the requestor.

Thank you all for reading my blog.  Thank you for being there for me.  Thank you for letting me be there for you.

Love and light,

Lucky

P.S. I have recently realized that somehow after all that has come before in my life, my rose colored glasses do seem to be pretty much still intact.  Some small cracks and some days I cannot find them, but for the most part I win.

Following in his mama’s footsteps…Or maybe I am following in his…


This is my boy speaking out against bullying and for himself and others with Asperger’s and Autism Spectrum Disorders.  I am so stinking proud of him!!!

Versatile Blogger Award – A cry for help…..


Ok so I am petitioning you, my readers.  I would like one of these.  Not because I think that it is an important award sure to bring me more readers.  But because I am currently writing a wandering rants blog, a survivor blog AND a blog that is going to be turned into a book once I have enough material in it.

My links are:

www.whereismyreallife.wordpress.com

www.victimnomore.wordpress.com

AND

www.adayinthelifeanaveragenorthamericanwitch.wordpress.com

So I would like for someone to give me one of these please.  Also, tell your friends…send them on over for some fun reading.  And while you are at it, tell WordPress to freshly press me.  Really, I believe that it is about time I got one of those things too. 

**finally takes a breath**

Ok rant over.

(copied here from WhereIsMyRealLife)

Yesterday….All my troubles seemed so far away….


I am sorry that it has been so long since I have posted.  Things have been going kind of crazy with me.

Yesterday, against my better judgement, my husband and I drove up to Indianapolis for the Family Reunion.  I have not gone to one in a lot of years.  Mostly I do not go because I am not skinny and the family tends to poke at weight issues.  Not that I have issues with my weight.  I am comfortable in my skin but they like to poke and that hurts.  I had just pulled up to the site and gotten out of the car.  My sister came over to get her Diet Pepsi and joke with me and my husband.  We walked over to the shade and then I heard some of the family members freaking out.  I looked in and it was my Grandma that they were crowding around.  My Grandma lost consciousness and hit the floor.  Actually she was lowered onto the floor by several family members.  My cousin called the ambulance.  I got my MR uncle into my car.  My sister took my husband and my cousin and we all headed to the hospital.  A bunch of us went there but not all.  Not even all the ones that were bawling their eyes out and being dramatic.  Anyway, back to what happened.  We got to the hospital and had to wait a long while.  I kept my MR uncle calm along with my sister and my other uncle and my cousin.  My mom got there a bit later.  We finally got to go back with Grandma and it turned out that she had dehydrated and it was possible her meds (or lack of taking them that morning) had been the cause.  Her blood pressure dropped scary dangerously low.  They admitted her and we all went up to her room for a while.

Today I called and my MR uncle was crying wanting me to come get him, so I looked at my hubby and said I was going to go.  He was totally ok with this.  I love my hubby.  I showered and hit the road.  I was there in pretty good time.  I took my uncle to Wal-Mart and we got grandma flowers and a vase and a new house coat.  She hates hospital gowns as much as anyone else so I did not want to leave her in one longer than I had to. We got up to the hospital and grandma said her potassium level was low and that there may be some kind of internal bleeding because she is anemic but they do not know where.  I was up there most of the day.  I do not want to go to work tomorrow.  I want to go back up and be with her.  This is so scary to me.

The thing that upsets me the most about it is how I have to be strong and can’t be upset about it because I have to take care of people.  Then by the time that I am able to fall apart everything is getting better and most people are all “what are you crying for now?  she is ok” but dammit I hate having to be strong.

Last night when we got back to our town, I broke down crying in the gas station parking lot.  Then when I was finally calmed, I went in to get a polar pop.   While I was getting it, this girl came up and said “Have you ever had one of those days where everything goes wrong?”  I said “Yeah my grandma collapsed at the family reunion today and is in the hospital.”  She then told me that she was a victim of domestic violence and had gone to the local shelter and they had turned her away.  I did not ask why they turned her away.  I did recommend she contact INCASA.  I told her I had been there and that she needed to do what she needed to do to get herself safe.  She left very quickly.  I pray that she was able to find someplace safe to go.

I am sorry if this is a bit disjointed.  I am really tired and trying to get this all out.  I am a wreck.  I want my grandma to be ok.  I want to know that she is ok.  I want her to not ever be sick and never die.  Unfortunately I know that this is not possible.  She will be 86 in 5 days.  I know that I may not have her much longer.  Dammit it is not fair.

Love Me Now (or how I learned to stop hiding and take off the mask….)


Everyone has a mask.  Whether their faces looks different with it on or not, it is there.  Some people even have multiple masks.  The masks generally fall into these kinds of categories:

1. Every day mask/Public mask

2. Work mask

3. New relationship mask

4. Party mask

5. Family mask

Now some people don’t wear these different faces.  Some people have no reason to where them and just let their true natures be hanging out there all willy nilly.  There are people out there that have never been injured or hurt by anyone.  People who have never been raped or beaten or threatened or assaulted in any way.  There are many times I feel jealous of those people.  The people who have not ever been hurt and don’t know just how precious life is.  Those people who don’t know what pain is and so cannot empathize with this pain that others feel.  I know that there are a lot of people out in society like that but it honestly baffles me.  How can someone live their entire life without having anything bad happen to them?  How can I go back in time and make myself one of those people?  Where do I sign up?

Alas, there is no time machine (yet!) and I cannot go back in time and undo the rapes, the assaults, the abuse, the miscarriages, the pills, the sex or anything that I have experienced.  So, you may ask how it is that I did learn this very valuable lesson about hiding and letting go of the masks.  I would of course then tell you that it is a very good question.  To be honest, I do not know exactly how I did it.

I do know that I met my husband online when I was 24 and he was 17 and we were friends (JUST friends) online for a lot of years.  He was a really nice guy and I had just gone through a divorce and we were both geeking out at some text based role play gaming.  We kept in touch over the years.  Then one day when I was 30 he asked if he could call me.  I let him do that.  He called and he asked me to do him a favor and take a chance on him.  He said he had been in love with me since he was 17 and that I was his dream girl.  I was stunned.

Not long before this, actually labor day weekend that same year, I had let a man that wanted to date me come to my house and bring his son.  That man had raped me with his small son in the next room.  I was nervous beyond belief.  I was going to be at my house all alone with this guy that I had not ever been all alone with before.  He flew in to the airport here in Indiana.  He had been living in Georgia but was from Panama.  He had been back and forth between Georgia and Panama most of his life.  He was 23 and I know he was nervous too but he did not wear a mask.  He was the very first person that I think I had ever met in the world that had absolutely no artifice to him whatsoever.

In time he moved to Indiana and we lived together for a while.  We got married last year in November.  We are coming up on our 1 year married and 3 year together anniversaries.  In that time I have slowly let the masks fall away.  I have let them go because I found that I do not need them anymore.  I found safety.  I found home.

This is not saying that you cannot have safety and home without a partner.  This is saying that I found someone that I can feel safe with and know that he will not ever try to hurt me.  It feels good to let my face breathe again.  Maybe one day my rose colored glasses will be restored.  One can only hope….

I may never have seen your face, but I will carry you in my heart forever


There is this dream I have had many times over and again.  In this dream I am standing in this beautiful wide open space surrounded by trees and the sunlight is streaming down and there is this beautiful little girl smiling up at me.  She is smiling up at me and laughing and we are playing and dancing around.  She has long light brown hair and she has soft pink tinted cheeks and she has big beautiful brown eyes and she has dimples on both sides.  She is the sweetest thing.  She is probably about 3 years old.  She is my child, in this dream, and we have this joyful moment that is just ours.

There is another dream I have.  It is of a boy who would now be getting ready to turn 18.  He would be in his senior year of high school.  He would be tall and he would have curly hair.  His eyes would be green.  He would have freckles and a ready smile for everyone.  He would be well liked.  He would get good grades (or at least better than his mom did) and he would be planning for his future.

There is another dream that I have often.  In this dream the little boy is going on 12.  He has dark brown hair, brown eyes and a calm kind smile.  He is bookish and smart.  He likes video games but not as much as his older brother does.  He struggles with math but does his best.  He snuggles up to me and tells me that I am the best mama in the world like his older brother does.

There are other dreams that are more vague.  There are 5 boys and 4 girls.  All different but similar.  These are my babies that I never got to hold here on Earth.  One day I know that I will be reunited with them in the Summerland.  I will know peace and joy and the love of my children.

I have a 13 year old son who is my world.  He does not know about his brothers or sisters.  I have not told him and I do not know if I ever will.  It is a terrible thing to lose a child.  I have a child who is living and 9 who are not.  I am a mother of 10 but have only gotten to hold 1 in my arms.  I have only gotten to kiss the top of 1 child’s head.  I have only gotten to rub 1 child’s stomach when it aches.  I have only gotten to hold 1 child close while they were sick/scared/sad.  I am a mother without all of her children and while I know that I would not have been able to take care of 10 babies, there would not have been 10 of them if I had been able to carry them to term.  So I am a mother of 9 angel babies and 1 living teenage boy.  I love all of my children.  I love them all with all of my heart.  I carry my angels with me in my heart and in my dreams every single day of my life.