Category Archives: Love
I am sorry it has been so long since I have posted. I know some of you may have even forgotten about this little blog of mine. Yesterday was 19 years since the first time that I was raped. This year I had to take my hubby to the airport up in Indy so that he could go visit with his family in Georgia. This year I came back home and went back to sleep for a while and then got up and started cleaning house (as best I could with my back injury, which I will tell you all about soon). I had some friends come over and they kept me company. One friend came over and helped me clean…then the others came over and we had a girls’ night and we talked and made Vision/Inspiration boards and we had a good time and I did not feel sad or helpless or lost once. THIS year, I won.
This past weekend was a very hard one for me. My best friend Moni moved 15 hours away. With her went her two youngest boys and her hubby. Now I have not known them for very long, compared to other people I consider best friends. We have not been friends for years, rather months. But in that 6 months since I met her, she has become like the sister I always wished that my sister was to me.
She and I share a history of things that have happened to us. I pray one day that she is strong enough and confident enough in herself to write her story and tell what happened to her. But until then I will continue to be among the very few who know how amazing it is that she is who she is.
This weekend when she pulled out of my drive for the last time I held it together til I got in the house and then I cried. My kiddo hugged me tightly. He hugged me and just stood and held me for a few. That felt really good.
Ok so any of you that have read my blog know that I have one teenage son with aspergers. You may also know that I have 9 angel babies that I never got to hold. You may also have occasion to know that that is all I will ever have because I had a hysterectomy last year after battling PCOS for many years and finally not being able to stand it any longer. For those who don’t know, please read up on my blogs.
Last night I called my son while leaving work, like I do every single day. A call in the morning, a call after work and a call to say goodnight. Last night he informed me that he was going to spend this next weekend hanging out with his friend instead of coming home. He has not been home for the past two weekends. This generally would hurt my feelings but not reduce me to tears. Generally. This coming weekend is Mother’s Day. This coming weekend should be a time for him to come home and say thanks for being his mom, for us to spend the day together doing fun stuff that we both enjoy. But no. No mother’s day for me this year.
He had informed me that Mother’s Day is just another day to him. That it doesn’t mean anything really. This, of course, was after he informed me that since I only saw him every other weekend I was barely a parent. This was also after he informed me that my husband, the guy who he told me he loved like a dad, was annoying and that he didn’t think of anyone as a dad.
This breaks my heart. But I know it is not his fault. These are the things that go along with him being an aspie. He lacks that empathy that typical minded folks have. But living with his grandmother, instead of being taught to look for these moments and learn how to behave so as not to hurt others, he is being taught that “This is how I am, take it or leave it.” Now generally this would be what I would want for him, but not to the point where he doesn’t care who he hurts or how badly.
And she told me that she was ok with him not coming home to me on mother’s day because “He is home”. Last night I did not call my son to tell him goodnight. I prayed that he would call me. He did not. I guess she is going to keep on until she finds a way to cut me out of his life completely. I just wish that I knew what I could possibly have done to make her hate me so much that she has to harm him to hurt me.
I have been emotionally raw lately and not really able to write about it. I find myself falling and failing at a lot of things that I have been trying to do.
The support group is having a VERY VERY slow start. I am working with another woman on starting a group here in Columbus for the witches in the area. It is hard being so alone in faith sometimes and at the holidays it gets worse. This new group should be a good way for us to find community with each other, but even that is not without strife.
I find myself offending when I don’t mean to. I find myself socially awkward. I want to make plans and get the plans set in stone but that doesn’t happen and then I panic. I have a very hard time dealing with waiting for someone else to make plans…sometimes even waiting for someone else to text me back. It is not that I intend to offend anyone, but I do much better with structure and plans being made and set. I don’t deal well with chaos.
It is spring and the aches and pains have been worse this spring than they were all winter. I am hurting almost all the time…so I am moody and irritable. My hubby and I keep fighting because of this. I have arthritis. It is possible that I have fibromyalgia…but I cannot afford to go have the testing done because I am still paying off my deductible from last year.
It is also possible that I have asperger’s syndrome, but I cannot afford that testing either.
I am hopeful that this will lessen soon. I really hope that it does. I don’t know how much more I can take of this pain.
I guess the good thing is that while I am hurting like this I don’t much think about the emotional stuff I have going on because it hurts too much to focus on much else. **Sighs**Maybe one day I will move into a space where I am pain free….physically, mentally and emotionally….
I have had one call regarding the support group with two people interested in the group. Slow start, yes…but there are two people out there interested in my help and helping me and getting together to work together to get to good places in our lives.
In this wonderful spring not only have I gotten good news in the form of people calling about the support group, I have also met several other people in my town who are of the witchy persuasion and who are interested in getting together for full moon celebrations and to celebrate the Sabbats! I am so excited to have two new circles going. One that is survivor driven and one that is spirituality driven. I am blessed.
Thank you Great Mother for the gifts that you have given me. Thank you for all of the light you have shined into my life and thank you for the blessing of being able to find and help others and get help from others. Thank you for letting me be able to teach others and learn from others. I am so very blessed.
Love and light!!
I want to apologize to you, my readers and fellow survivors. Things have been CRAZY busy this holiday season. I have been making a lot of gifts which has kept me away from the computer. After the New Year I have plans to start my support group (nerves!!!) and to begin working (hopefully) with Turning Point Domestic Violence Services. I really hope that I do get to do some work with them, as they are who runs our local domestic abuse shelter and I feel that I can do a lot of good there.
Lots of love to you all. Keep fighting the good fight. Keep strong in your resolve. Know that I love you all and I am just an email away. Please do not hesitate to email me if you need to talk. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org and I hope that you know I will be there for you if you need me.
Love and light to you all and a joyous holiday (whatever your holiday!)
***I have been asked to add an addendum to this post. Above I mention the support group and I mention Turning Point Domestic Violence Services. I want to make it clear that the support group is not something that is tied to Turning Point. Unfortunately they do not have any services like this available. This is why I am doing the support group all on my own.
Now don’t get me wrong….I do not feel this way now. I have in the past, though. Randomly, out of the blue, I would just start feeling like everyone was talking about me. Like they were all out to get me into some sort of trouble.
I know what you are thinking (see still a bit paranoid)…You are thinking “This chick has lost her mind!”
What you might not realize is that I am not alone. As a survivor of a crime perpetrated by someone that was a friend/aquaintance/love/partner it is not uncommon. I have found, through talking with other survivors, that we do tend to have a bit of paranoia going on. Some would even say “A healthy dose of paranoia keeps you safe.” But when is it too much?
I, personally, have had times when I felt like I could lock myself away from the entire world because I couldn’t trust anyone. I know that this is not a healthy dose of paranoia…this is more like OD’ing on paranoia.
I would like to invite you all to open this discussion up. I would like to have an open dialogue with you, my readers, to know your thoughts on this and share my own. I feel that it is important to openly communicate on this one. I think we could learn alot from each other.
Love and light,
Well I am glad that you asked. I am actually feeling pretty good. I am sorry I have not posted a lot lately. Things have been CRAZY busy. The month of October usually is. I finally finished my son’s blanket (which is fracking awesome!). I have started saying Frack a lot instead of Fuck in an effort to curb the cursing. I have gotten put on new medications which will hopefully take care of my lower regions medical woes and get me back to feeling better. I am going onto a new med which should facilitate weight loss (YAY!) and the world seems to be looking up.
I have been doing a lot of house cleaning the past few days. I spent 4 hours on laundry last night folding, hanging up, putting away, washing, drying….blah. I have been doing dishes more regularly and making myself be up and moving around cooking and whatnot when I get home so that I don’t get as stiff.
I am still looking to start that support group. Any ideas on flyers or posters? I am going to a retreat with my hubby next month for survivors (our anniversary weekend) and am hoping to get some good information there.
I did miss my cultural sensitivity training from INCASA. I had to go to the dentist. Actually, the first time in 13 years. Pretty good though. Only 3 cavities. I knew I had periodontal disease but we are getting that treated and working towards keeping my teeth in my mouth where they belong. So far so good. I am glad I finally decided to go. I don’t know why I was so scared to.
Anyways, I am going to try to get on here more to post about relevant topics to this blog. I just wanted you to all know that I did not forget about you. I appreciate each and every one of you. I keep getting more and more subscribers and followers on twitter. I feel blessed to be doing something that can help make a difference, even if only to one person.
Please give me ideas for posts. If you would like to see me write about something, let me know. You can either leave it in a comment here or email it to me at email@example.com and I will try to write about every topic I get. I will also give credit to the requestor.
Thank you all for reading my blog. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for letting me be there for you.
Love and light,
P.S. I have recently realized that somehow after all that has come before in my life, my rose colored glasses do seem to be pretty much still intact. Some small cracks and some days I cannot find them, but for the most part I win.
This is my boy speaking out against bullying and for himself and others with Asperger’s and Autism Spectrum Disorders. I am so stinking proud of him!!!
Ok so I am petitioning you, my readers. I would like one of these. Not because I think that it is an important award sure to bring me more readers. But because I am currently writing a wandering rants blog, a survivor blog AND a blog that is going to be turned into a book once I have enough material in it.
My links are:
So I would like for someone to give me one of these please. Also, tell your friends…send them on over for some fun reading. And while you are at it, tell WordPress to freshly press me. Really, I believe that it is about time I got one of those things too.
**finally takes a breath**
Ok rant over.
(copied here from WhereIsMyRealLife)