Love Me Now (or how I learned to stop hiding and take off the mask….)


Everyone has a mask.  Whether their faces looks different with it on or not, it is there.  Some people even have multiple masks.  The masks generally fall into these kinds of categories:

1. Every day mask/Public mask

2. Work mask

3. New relationship mask

4. Party mask

5. Family mask

Now some people don’t wear these different faces.  Some people have no reason to where them and just let their true natures be hanging out there all willy nilly.  There are people out there that have never been injured or hurt by anyone.  People who have never been raped or beaten or threatened or assaulted in any way.  There are many times I feel jealous of those people.  The people who have not ever been hurt and don’t know just how precious life is.  Those people who don’t know what pain is and so cannot empathize with this pain that others feel.  I know that there are a lot of people out in society like that but it honestly baffles me.  How can someone live their entire life without having anything bad happen to them?  How can I go back in time and make myself one of those people?  Where do I sign up?

Alas, there is no time machine (yet!) and I cannot go back in time and undo the rapes, the assaults, the abuse, the miscarriages, the pills, the sex or anything that I have experienced.  So, you may ask how it is that I did learn this very valuable lesson about hiding and letting go of the masks.  I would of course then tell you that it is a very good question.  To be honest, I do not know exactly how I did it.

I do know that I met my husband online when I was 24 and he was 17 and we were friends (JUST friends) online for a lot of years.  He was a really nice guy and I had just gone through a divorce and we were both geeking out at some text based role play gaming.  We kept in touch over the years.  Then one day when I was 30 he asked if he could call me.  I let him do that.  He called and he asked me to do him a favor and take a chance on him.  He said he had been in love with me since he was 17 and that I was his dream girl.  I was stunned.

Not long before this, actually labor day weekend that same year, I had let a man that wanted to date me come to my house and bring his son.  That man had raped me with his small son in the next room.  I was nervous beyond belief.  I was going to be at my house all alone with this guy that I had not ever been all alone with before.  He flew in to the airport here in Indiana.  He had been living in Georgia but was from Panama.  He had been back and forth between Georgia and Panama most of his life.  He was 23 and I know he was nervous too but he did not wear a mask.  He was the very first person that I think I had ever met in the world that had absolutely no artifice to him whatsoever.

In time he moved to Indiana and we lived together for a while.  We got married last year in November.  We are coming up on our 1 year married and 3 year together anniversaries.  In that time I have slowly let the masks fall away.  I have let them go because I found that I do not need them anymore.  I found safety.  I found home.

This is not saying that you cannot have safety and home without a partner.  This is saying that I found someone that I can feel safe with and know that he will not ever try to hurt me.  It feels good to let my face breathe again.  Maybe one day my rose colored glasses will be restored.  One can only hope….

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About wtfhappenedtomyreallife

I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, neice, friend, confidant and I am ready to speak my mind.

Posted on September 25, 2011, in Acceptance, Blog, Blogging, Blogs, Counseling, hysterectomy, Love, Miscarriage, Rape, Religion, Self Esteem, Self Love, sexual assault, Therapy, Writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. Telling your story and your feelings, help other people identify or relate to the same situations and have hope, things can turn out better for them too! Thank you!

  2. “All mankind love a lover.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

  3. About the only people who acknowledge the reality of “masks” are the Japanese.

    AFAIK, nobody else has words for this phenomenon.

    “Omote” is the public face and is designed to convey conformity, concensus, placidity and a willingness to side with the majority.

    “Ura” is the private face wherein emotions, conflict and unconventional thoughts and opinions may be expressed.

    Omote succinctly describes the patriarchal society’s expectation of women’s attitudes and behaviour.

    One of the freedoms we’re fighting for is the freedom to wear our ura face all the time.

  4. sounds familiar. I was with my bf for 2 years before all of the masks were gone. he got to know me in layers. as I am become a person, I’m able to be myself around people, but I also keep my guard up. it’s up to me to share myself with others~to trust them with that.

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