Tests to be done on Friday….Worried about flashback….

Ok so in a totally gross turn of events I will say that I have had to do hemacults which are disgusting (slides from excrement from back door) because there has been blood.  There has been a lot of blood which was scary and I went to the doc and they made me do these culture thingys.  It was thoroughly disgusting and I nearly threw up several times.  All three came back positive for blood so they sent me to a gastroenterologist.  The gastroentrologist sent me to the hospital to do blood work and prepare for a colonoscopy on Friday.  I am worried about a great many things.  I am worried about the pains that I have been having and the blood.  I am worried that they will find something horribly wrong with me.  I am worried that I will go into a flashback.

One of my ex boyfriends raped me anally.  I am worried that when I am put into conscious sedation that I will go into a flashback.  This is a very real possibility with them going through the back door.  I want to talk to my doctor’s office about it but I did not even think about it before hand.  I will try to call them tomorrow and see if they will be able to do something different because of my trauma.

To top it off they still have not sent my FMLA paperwork back to my office so my boss doesn’t have confirmation from HR that this will be covered under FMLA and short term disability….so I may have to use my last few vacation days now instead of having time off with my family at Christmas which sucks because I have actually never gotten to take that week of Christmas off and I was looking forward to finally having the seniority to do that. **Sighs**I am freaking out a little bit.  I am sad that I have to be freaking out and that I have to worry about my money situation on top of the freaking out part.

It isn’t fair!  Dammit I want my real life….The one where I don’t have to worry about flashbacks or triggers and I don’t have to go for gross tests and do even grosser cultures.  The one where I am healthy, happy and free from stress and strain.  Where can I go to get that life back?


About wtfhappenedtomyreallife

I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, neice, friend, confidant and I am ready to speak my mind.

Posted on August 31, 2011, in Counseling, Flashbacks, Rape, sexual assault, Therapy, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. hey! so, colonscopys are not fun, not gonna pretend there, but my wife went through one, and from her/our experience:

    -the worst part is the clear liquid diet and the prep you drink the night before
    -said prep tastes vile, but it *is* live-through-able AND from our internet wanderings, we’re pretty sure that most people (inc. my wife) only get through 1/2 – 3/4 of the liquid prescribed and still get the procedure done
    -she was out out out during the procedure and remembers nothing. if you’re worried, you might want to talk to you doctor about making sure you are definitely out; they’ll put your dose on the higher end for your weight instead of the lower
    -tons of folks get this done, and if you google it, you’ll find lots of advice and support and folks going through the procedure to talk to and allay your fears

    • Thank you! I am going to call the doc’s office tomorrow an see what they will do. It just worries me too much because of the exbf and the ex husband. I know that I had to do the liquid prep stuff for my surgery in January. It sucked but I made it through all of it. The stuff that they prescribed for me better taste better. They said that it does….it cost me $40 with insurance. It has a retail of $95.99! Crazy!

  2. I hope your doctor’s office worked with you to make the procedure as comfortable and untriggering as possible, and that you get good news.

    • I told them over and over but they did not seem to think that it would be a big deal. I woke up twice during the procedure and I remember holding my belly crying “stop. stop. that hurts. please stop.” but then I was out again. This happened twice and I still have pain in my intestines that I remember happening when I woke. So far they have told me internal and external hemerrhoids and IBS. They did send a biopsy off. I don’t know if it will come back good or bad. At least they have not said crohn’s or ulcerative colitis. So that is good for now.

  3. Some people just don’t get it. sigh Well, stay strong.

  4. I hope things go well.

    Thankfully, I only bled for a little while after being anally raped, when he got impatient that I wasn’t able to relax (when anal sex is borderline hard limit for me, and I was resisting anyways!), and he forced his way in despite my screaming in agony. And then he got mad that I couldn’t – and didn’t want to – take him. Much of the story of the whole fucking relationship…

    He has left me with anal incontinence, though, the fucker, because he forced it on me so much that I stretched too much.

    • I am so very sorry that you had to go through that. Have you seen a doctor to see if there is anything that can be done to help? I know that can cause terrible embarassment. I had the test already. I did have a flashback but luckily the intestinal pain that I woke up and felt during the procedure has gone away for the most part. I woke up twice during the procedure and went into flashback.

      Why do people think that they can do these fucking horrible things to us? Why do they think that they can just do whatever they want and we have to take it….

  5. I’m glad you’re doing better.

    The problem for me isn’t *too* bad, but it’s for damn sure annoying and embarassing when it does happen.

    I suppose that next time I go to the gynecologist I’ll ask her if anything can be done. I can’t remember if I already did so or not. I can’t afford surgery, though, if that should be recommended.

    I can’t speak for the rest of the world, but in the kink world, part of why they think they can do whatever they want and we just have to take it is the very structure of D/s relationship as they are deified in our circles. And then the D/s world tends to attract abusers to start with. I’ve got several blog posts about these things already, so I won’t go further into that here.

    But even with vanillas, there are a lot of people with serious issues, a lot of hate of women, anything or anyone different, etc.


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