I truly am blessed


My husband has had many questions for me about the past and about recovery.  He has never been sexually assaulted and I am very thankful that he does not have the ability to understand what I have been through. 

Sometimes he does take things too far.  Case in point: I posted the Rapist Checklist.  He read it.  He then sat around glum and upset for hours.  I finally got him to tell me that the reason he was upset was that he felt like a rapist after reading that.  He told me that he did not feel like he could talk to me about sex.  He told me that he did not agree with many of the things that are listed in that checklist.

I did explain to him that he can always talk to me about  his feelings and about sex.  I had to explain to him that asking me for sex was not the same as pressuring.  I had to explain to him that by pressure, it means coercion.  Coercion is rape.  When someone says no and you coerce them by wearing them down and possibly using physical means to threaten and coerce them, then you are committing rape.  When you are laying in bed with your wife and you are snuggling and rubbing on her leg with consent and ask her once and she says she is not really in the mood and then in the same loving way ask again later, it is not rape.  It is hard to define that line for him.  It is hard to define that line for me.  Sometimes I have flashbacks at times when he is being loving and gentle and it blurs that for me.  I try really hard not to let that happen.

As an affirmation for me, and for him, I have to tell you this.  My husband is a kind, gentle and loving man.  He would never strike me in anger and he would never force me to do something I do not want to do.  Sometimes he can be persistent but not to the point of coercion and when I say “No” firmly he knows I mean “No” and he takes it at face value.

I feel very lucky to have him.  Having been through the things that I have been through, I don’t know how he puts up with me.  I have so many hang ups and so many issues.  I try really hard not to let them get the best of me.  I try really hard not to let the flashbacks and the triggers ruin our sex life (even though sometimes it seems like we don’t have much of one because I am always in pain…)  He is supportive even when it  makes him uncomfortable.  He supports my upcoming work with INCASA.  He supports my working with the blog and with the therapist.  He wants to learn more and more so he can help too.  I love my husband.  I love my life with my husband.  I couldn’t have asked for a better man to help me through all of this.

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About wtfhappenedtomyreallife

I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, neice, friend, confidant and I am ready to speak my mind.

Posted on August 22, 2011, in Counseling, Rape, sexual assault, Therapy, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. wiccankitten35160

    I,too,have been blessed w/an amazing mate. She’s my hersband,and she’s been my rock for the past 8 yrs.Like your husband,she was never molested or raped,but she listens when I need to talk and never pushes me into anything. She’ll never know how much I love her.Her strong arms keep me safe when the world gets to be too much,and she makes me laugh when I’m depressed. I can’t count the number of times she’s just held me when I’ve cried,just stroking my hair and kissing the top of my head while I told her about what happened.She’s nonjudgemental,and just seems to know when I need her to just be there.She never presses me for information on what happens,but she lets me vent as long as I need to.I’m not in regular therapy atm,but she’ll never know just how much of a heaven sent therapist she’s been,and how very grateful I am to her for all she’s done. I’ve grown and healed so much since we got together,and i can only pray that i mean half as much to her as she means to me.I’ve never felt more loved,and more whole.

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