I truly am blessed
My husband has had many questions for me about the past and about recovery. He has never been sexually assaulted and I am very thankful that he does not have the ability to understand what I have been through.
Sometimes he does take things too far. Case in point: I posted the Rapist Checklist. He read it. He then sat around glum and upset for hours. I finally got him to tell me that the reason he was upset was that he felt like a rapist after reading that. He told me that he did not feel like he could talk to me about sex. He told me that he did not agree with many of the things that are listed in that checklist.
I did explain to him that he can always talk to me about his feelings and about sex. I had to explain to him that asking me for sex was not the same as pressuring. I had to explain to him that by pressure, it means coercion. Coercion is rape. When someone says no and you coerce them by wearing them down and possibly using physical means to threaten and coerce them, then you are committing rape. When you are laying in bed with your wife and you are snuggling and rubbing on her leg with consent and ask her once and she says she is not really in the mood and then in the same loving way ask again later, it is not rape. It is hard to define that line for him. It is hard to define that line for me. Sometimes I have flashbacks at times when he is being loving and gentle and it blurs that for me. I try really hard not to let that happen.
As an affirmation for me, and for him, I have to tell you this. My husband is a kind, gentle and loving man. He would never strike me in anger and he would never force me to do something I do not want to do. Sometimes he can be persistent but not to the point of coercion and when I say “No” firmly he knows I mean “No” and he takes it at face value.
I feel very lucky to have him. Having been through the things that I have been through, I don’t know how he puts up with me. I have so many hang ups and so many issues. I try really hard not to let them get the best of me. I try really hard not to let the flashbacks and the triggers ruin our sex life (even though sometimes it seems like we don’t have much of one because I am always in pain…) He is supportive even when it makes him uncomfortable. He supports my upcoming work with INCASA. He supports my working with the blog and with the therapist. He wants to learn more and more so he can help too. I love my husband. I love my life with my husband. I couldn’t have asked for a better man to help me through all of this.
Posted on August 22, 2011, in Counseling, Rape, sexual assault, Therapy, Uncategorized and tagged Blog, Blogging, Blogs, flashbacks, Grief Loss and Bereavement, Health, Human sexual activity, Husband, Marriage, Mental health, nightmares, Partner Rape, Personal life, Psychology, Rape, Rape Victims, Relationships, Sexual assault, Sexual intercourse, Sexuality, Support group, Survivor, Thought, Victim, Victims, Violence and Abuse. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.