I compiled this list from a forums group I was involved in previously. I think that this is something that can help validate and explain what rape really is:
This is something that I have found in the forums of my support group and it has been very validating and helpful for me. I thought that I would send this out to the people that I care about in hopes that this can make it out to other people who may need the confirmation and validation that this has helped me with. NO ONE deserves to be raped or brutalized in any way. Our bodies are our own and NO ONE has the right to do anything to us or to our body that we do not want. We will be VICTIMS NO MORE! It is time that we make a stand and take back our lives. *If you have any questions or comments please do not hesitate to leave them in the comments! My husband and I have had some pretty major discussions about this.
The Rapist Checklist
Things to remember…
1. You are a rapist if you get a girl drunk and have sex with her.
2. You are a rapist if you find a drunk girl and have sex with her.
3. You are a rapist if you get yourself drunk too and have sex with her. Your drunkenness is no excuse.
4. If you are BOTH drunk you may still be a rapist.
5. If she’s alternating between puking her guts out and passing out in the bed then you’re a rapist.
6. If she’s sleeping and you have sex with her you’re a rapist.
7. If she’s unconscious and you have sex with her then you’re a rapist.
8. If she’s taking sleeping pills and doesn’t wake up when you have sex with her then you’re a rapist.
9. If she is incapacitated in any way and unable to say ‘Yes’ then you’re a rapist.
10. If you drug her then you’re a rapist.
11. If you find a drugged girl and have sex with her then you’re a rapist.
12. If you don’t bother to ask her permission and she says neither ‘Yes’ nor ‘No’ then you could be a rapist.
13. You are a rapist if you ‘nag’ her for sex. Because you manage to ply an eventual ‘yes’ from a weary victim doesn’t mean it’s not rape. You are a rapist.
14. You are a rapist if you try to circumvent her “No” by talking her into it. She’s not playing hard to get, and, even if she IS it’s not YOUR responsibility to ‘get’ her. You’re still a rapist.
15. You are a rapist if you manipulate her into sex when she doesn’t otherwise want it. If you say, “If you loved me you’d do X” then you’re a rapist. If you say, “All the other kids are doing it!” then you’re a rapist.
16. If you threaten her, or act in a way that SHE thinks you’re threatening her, then you’re a rapist. If you puff up and get loud and frustrated while trying to ‘talk’ her into sex then you’re a rapist.
17. You are a rapist if you don’t immediately get your hands off of her when she says ‘no’. You are a rapist if you take your hands off of her and then put them back ON her after 10 minutes and she eventually ‘gives in’ to this tactic.
18. You are a rapist if you won’t let her sleep peacefully without waking her every 15 minutes asking her for sex. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and YOU are a rapist.
19. If you’re necking with her and you’re naked and you’ve already gone down on her and she says ‘No’ to sex with you and you have sex with her anyway then you’re a rapist.
20. If you’re engaged in intercourse and she says ‘No’ at ANY point and you don’t immediately stop then you’re a rapist.
21. If she said “Yes” to sex with a condom and that condom breaks and you proceed anyway then you’re a rapist.
22. If she picked you up at a bar looking for sex and then decides that she doesn’t WANT sex and you continue then you’re a rapist.
23. If she changes her mind at ANY point for ANY reason and you don’t immediately back off or you try to talk her into it and get sex anyway then you’re a rapist.
24. If you don’t hit her and she says ‘No’ you’re still a rapist.
25. If you don’t have a knife or a gun or a garrote and she says ‘No’ then you’re still a rapist.
26. If you’re a friend of hers you can still be a rapist.
27. If you had sex with her the night before but she doesn’t want morning sex and you pressure her for it anyway then you’re a rapist.
28. If you’re her husband you can still be a rapist.
29. If it’s your wedding night and she doesn’t WANT to have sex with you and you force or coerce her anyway then you’re a rapist.
30. If she’s had sex with you hundreds of times before but doesn’t want to on the 101st time then you’re a rapist.
31. If you penetrate her anally, orally or digitally against her will then YOU my friend, are ALSO a rapist.
32. Women do not owe you sex.
33. Buying her dinner does not entitle you to sex.
34. Paying her mortgage does not entitle you to sex.
35. Buying her clothing does not entitle you to sex.
36. Buying her lingerie does not entitle you to sex. It also doesn’t mean that she has any obligation to wear that lingerie around you.
37. Spending any amount of money on her does not, ever, entitles you to sex.
38. Seeing her legs or cleavage does not entitle you to sex.
39. If she ‘turns you on’ you’re not entitled to sex.
40. If she has had sex with every man in a 10 square mile radius and she doesn’t want to have sex with you and you have sex with her anyway, then you’re a rapist.
41. Her clothing is not a reason for you to rape her. Her LACK of clothing is no reason to rape her. If she’s wearing a thong and pasties you STILL have no right to rape her.
42. If she’s a prostitute and she says “No” then you’re a rapist.
43. If she’s a stripper and she says “No” then you’re a rapist. Likewise, if she’s a stripper and she’s been rubbing against your genitals all night long and you follow her to her car and have sex with her against her will then you are ALSO a rapist.
44. If you watch a woman being raped without calling the authorities then you’re as bad as a rapist and you may also be a rapist yourself.
45. If you don’t fight rape then you accept rape.
46. If you don’t believe a woman when she says she was raped then you’re encouraging rape.
47. If you choose to remain friends with a man who raped a woman you are encouraging rape.
48. If you confess to the authorities that you raped a woman it does not exonerate you. You are not suddenly a model of good behavior.
49. If you ‘only’ raped one woman, you’re STILL a rapist.
50. You cannot tell who is a rapist by the way they look. Rapists are your friends, your brothers, your fathers and you won’t know it.
51. Do not get frustrated with a woman if she doesn’t trust you. SHE already knows that rapists don’t wear signs on their foreheads. Something you think is innocuous SHE may find terrifying.
52. If you have been dating for a year and you are both naked and she says no and you still do, even though you did not hit her and she just lies there, then you are a rapist. Saying “I love you” does not make it go away. Proposing after rape, doesn’t make it NOT RAPE.
53. If you bother and pursue a girl until you “wear her down” enough to be alone and then do not ask permission to have sex with her and/or ignore her “No,” then you are a rapist.
54. Long-time friendship does not eliminate you as a rapist. Crying and guilt tripping a woman/man with manipulation to isolate him/her and then ignoring their “No”, makes you a rapist.
55. If you are having sex with someone and they say no, and you stop, and then try again 2 minutes later by shoving your genitals in her/his face, you are a rapist.
56. When you force her to have sex with you and you apologize and she forgives you, you still raped her.
57. If she is high and says no and you call it “rough sex” because she was “too messed up to know what was going on, it is still rape!!!!
58. If he penetrates you with his finger or his tongue, after nagging and guilt-tripping you into saying yes, then it is still rape (even if your legal system says it’s only rape if he penetrates you with his penis).
59. If you have sex with someone younger than the age of consent, it is rape and it is your responsibility to check that you are always within the laws about under-age sex … no matter how old she or he looks, or acts, or whether they seem to want it or not, or how mature they are, having sex with a child is rape and being a child is defined only by time on this earth, not anything else.
60. If you change your mind and stop before you are ‘finished’ you STILL raped her
61. Claiming that “it just slipped in” does NOT exonerate you either. It is still rape
62. If someone you victimized has the courage to take you to court and you’re found not guilty, it does not mean you’re innocent, it just means that the low conviction rate in your country was on your side, and that’s all. You still know what you did and it is still rape.
63. Someone having the guts to report you or “out” you to friends and/or family for rape does not entitle you to stalk and harass them into being quiet. Nor does it entitle you to play God with their life. Take your lumps for a change if you are guilty, stop justifying your actions, and pay up.
64. If you are part of a group of people, and as a group you choose to rape someone, each and every one of you is a rapist. It is not OK to say later that the leader of the group “talked you into it” or that you were “scared” of what the leader would do if you refused. Think of what the victim had to deal with. “Pack mentality” or “mob mentality” does NOT excuse rape.
65. If you are with one other man or woman, and the two of you rape someone, you are also a rapist, even if you are not the leader. It is not OK to say that “well, I was not acting on my own, not my fault.”
66. If you coerce someone into sex out of fear that you will harm a child in his or her care, you are a rapist. Example: breaking into a stranger’s house and demanding sex or you will kill the baby.
67. If you rape a man or boy, you are a rapist. Rape victimizes both genders.
68. If you are female and you force someone of either gender to have sex against their will, you are a rapist.
69. If you regret it afterwards, if you turn yourself in, if you “find God,” you have still raped someone.
70. If you demand sex and state that if you do not get it, you will kill the victim or his or her friends or family, you are a rapist.
71. If you are a teenager or adult, not a child, and you shun a rape survivor for acting strange when you know that he or she was assaulted, you are not a rapist but you are not acting like a good person either.
72. If a kid lays there and doesn’t protest, it is still rape.
73. If she has played with kinky/rough sex before, it is not an excuse to call her protests a game, or anything else other than rape.
74. If you hear someone begging you to stop hurting them while you take what you want, you are a rapist.
75. If someone says “no”, but you MAKE her/him say “yes”, you are still a rapist.
76. You are a rapist if you make the person say “they like it” even when you can clearly see them crying and you know they already said “no”, just b/c you force them to say “they want it”, you are still a rapist.
77. If you hold someone down so that someone else can have sex with them, then you’re just as bad as a rapist.
78. If you know that someone doesn’t want to have sex, even if you were both playing around and having fun earlier, and you have sex with them anyway, then you’re a rapist. Even if that person never tells you that, you still are.
79. If you do not “finish” it does not mean it was not rape.
80. If she gets aroused it does not mean she wanted it. It’s still rape.
81. If she’s 15 and you’re 40 and she says yes because she’s scared and confused, it is still rape
82. If the person you are engaging in sexual activity with is your wife and she feels obligated because you have made it sound as if there is something wrong with her if she doesn’t, but you can see she doesn’t really want to, and you do it anyway, you are a rapist.
83. If you are hurting the person you are engaging in sex with to the point that they are crying, even if that person is your wife, you are a rapist! Just because you are married to someone does not give you the right to hurt that person physically. Wives are not possessions to be used like a cheep pair of shoes!
84. If you take advantage of a person who has physical and/or mental disabilities and is unable to comprehend or say the word “no,” but has not consented, you are a rapist.
85. If you have sex with someone who is sick enough that he or she cannot consent, you are a rapist.
86. A person with disabilities and/or serious illness does not owe you sex just b/c you spend a lot of time caring for him or her. A person with physical disabilities is not “responsible” for being raped due to her or his inability to physically resist sex or leave the room.
87. If you use your power as an authority figure, doctor, “man of the cloth,” teacher, to force someone to have sex or there will be awful consequences, such as going to Hell, you are a rapist.
88. If you are a doctor and you have sex with a patient who is helpless due to anesthesia or other drugs, you are a rapist.
89. If you coerce a person into having sex as “protection” against something worse, such as danger in wartime or rape by an unknown group of people, you are a rapist.
90. You are a rapist if you rape someone due to her or his engaging in behaviors you find “exciting,” such as homosexuality, cross-dressing, etc.
91. You are a rapist if you rape someone from an ethnic/racial group different from yours as a way of dehumanizing that person or her or his relatives/ethnic group.
92. You are a rapist if you force someone who is incarcerated or under investigation by a government to have sex for fear of dire consequences to the person or his or her friends or family.
93. You are a rapist if you force a prisoner or helpless person to “choose” between rape and some other form of torture.
94. You are a rapist if you rape someone as “punishment” for “disobeying” your religion or family’s or society’s rules about women’s roles. For example, not being “quiet” and “modest” enough, not “praying” hard enough, and choosing to date someone that she wants.
95. You are a rapist if you rape a man or boy to damage his self-esteem or make him look “weak” in front of family, friends, or others.
96. If there is not enough evidence for a trial, if the rape survivor tries to press charges but does not obtain a conviction, if she or he is subjected to victim blame, if the whole world thinks you are “nice” and “upstanding” and “loving” and “would never hurt a fly” – you are still a rapist.
97. Lack of evidence for a trial does not wipe away rape. Neither does your good standing in the community or your ability to hire a slick defense attorney who makes the survivor look bad.
98. If the rape survivor copes with the aftermath in ways that make her or him look “bad” or “crazy,” such as having emotional problems, needing a hospitalization, being self-destructive, or being “promiscuous,” you are a rapist.
99. If the rape survivor recants due to intense pressure from family or the threats you or others make, you are still a rapist.
100. If you victimize someone who is vulnerable due to poverty, mental illness, or homelessness, you are a rapist.
101. Even if you use a condom it is still rape when she is yelling ‘no.’
102. If your victim sues you, and you get the case dismissed you are still a rapist
103. Even if a jury says you are innocent you are still a rapist
104. Even if your victim can get into trouble for calling you a rapist (libel/defamation) you are still a rapist
105. Even if your parents brought you up that way you and they are still rapists
106. Even if you made your victim choose how she was to be raped you are still a rapist
107. you are a rapist if you had sex with someone that does not want it. period.
108. If you talked a naive nurse fresh out of college during the 1960s who was a virgin from a small Midwestern farm town with bad acne into believing that sex will clear up her skin, and YOU will administer the treatment, then do so even when she changes her mind and tries to leave by pushing her down and saying “This will only take a minute” while she keeps saying no, NO, NO! and while in excruciating pain from you taking her physical virginity away from her – it’s rape.
109. It is STILL rape even if she went back and did it again with you willingly a week later because she was confused, and even if you told her when she worried about getting pregnant after, “Don’t worry, I’ll just get you a back alley abortion, no big deal.”
110. It is STILL rape even if she couldn’t call it that, instead saying it was her “first time” and “a bad date” with “someone who was rude and inconsiderate” for 36 years after it happened, until she could finally call it what it was when her own daughter told her she’d been raped at the same age… with eerily similar factors involved in a few places, even though they had totally different and unrelated preps.
111. It is STILL rape just like it was and still is rape when you did it to all the other naive girls you fed the same bullshit to and took advantage of before you did it to my mother, you son of a bitch!
112. If you choose to disbelieve someone who has told you they were raped, you might as well be a rapist.
113. Even if your victim can’t say your name, can’t say out loud what you really are, can’t say out loud what really happened that night, still believes that she is more at fault than you, you are still one
114. If you know she’s frightened of you, you could be a rapist.
115. If you know you’re hurting her and don’t stop, you could be a rapist.
116: If you force yourself to believe that you want(ed) it because at the time it was easier for you to believe that than it would have been to believe you didn’t want it, it was still rape. Forcing yourself to believe you want it is not the same as actually wanting it.
117. If you made sure she was asleep when you got what you wanted, you are a rapist. If you laughed when she woke up and said she was in pain, you are a rapist.
118. If you forced her/his body to orgasm, it’s still rape, and YOU are most certainly, a RAPIST. That orgasm is no proof that it’s consensual sex. That orgasm means you’ve touched when and where you were not welcomed, and for far too long.
119. If you did not achieve or sustain an erection, but put your penis, fingers, tongue, object, etc., where it did NOT belong, it was RAPE as well. **NOTE: Your dysfunction does NOT give you an excuse to rape in these ways. Yes, yes, yes – you are most definitely a RAPIST.
Posted on August 20, 2011, in Counseling, Rape, Therapy, Uncategorized and tagged Anxiety, aquaintance rape, Blog, Blogging, Blogs, Clothing, Date Rape, Dating, Grief Loss and Bereavement, Husband, Marriage, Partner Rape, Psychology, Rape, Rape Victims, Sex Offenses, Sexual assault, Sexual intercourse, Sexuality, Support group, Survivor, Victim. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.