I hate it. I hate that I can’t just lay down with my husband and go to sleep. He goes to sleep soooo fast. It is like he touches the pillow and is immediately snoring. I am so jealous of that. I wish that I could do that. Too many thoughts in my head.
Will we make all the bills on time?
Are the taxes going to get paid on time?
Is the air conditioner/water heater/furnace/refrigerator/stove/washer/dryer/etc. going to go out?
Is one of the cars going to stop running?
Is the insurance paid?
Does my mother hate me?
Does my son hate me?
Do I have any real friends?
Why doesn’t anybody like me?
Why is it that no one wants to be my friend once they get inside?
Am I unlovable?
Am I stupid?
Am I ugly?
Am I mean?
Am I worthy?
All of these thoughts and others roll through my head when I am trying to make my way to sleep. There is no laying down and drifting peacefully to sleep. Then once I am asleep the nightmares come. The nightmares are all different. There is rarely ever an actual sexual assault that happens but there are things which indicate it. There is almost always fear or an overwhelming sense of dread. There is sometimes a chase but not usually. There are times when I am me and times when I am someone else. Times when I am the one doing the bad things and I just can’t stop myself from doing them…and times when the bad things are done to me.
Does this mean that I am crazy? No. This means that I am a survivor dealing with the fallout of shattered trust, broken vows, horrible violations and complete loss of control. I am surviving this. I will not let it rule me. I will not let it ruin the life that I have built for myself and my son. I will not let it ruin the relationship that I have with my wonderful husband. I will not let them win…..
I just wish I could sleep…..
Posted on August 15, 2011, in Counseling, Rape, Therapy, Uncategorized and tagged Anxiety, Blog, Blogging, Blogs, Conditions and Diseases, Crime, flashbacks, Grief Loss and Bereavement, Healing, Health, Husband, Insomnia, Marriage, Mental health, nightmares, Partner Rape, Personal life, Rape, Rape Victims, Relationships, Sexual assault, Sexual intercourse, Sleep disorder, Subconscious, Support group, Survivor, Victim. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.