Ok so this is a really touchy subject for some people. I am listing it here because this too, is something that I have survived. It is a part of who I am now.
In my life I lost six babies that I knew about and have recently found out that there were three more that I did not know about. The reason I did not know about the other three is that they were very very early in gestation. I found out through using my pendulum as a divination tool. I was asking it questions that I knew the answers too so that I could gauge the accuracy. (I will say I know that there are some who are skeptical about this kind of thing and I fully understand as I used to be too.) I asked it if I had been raped by six different men and it said Yes. I asked it about my husband and my son’s father and all the answers were correct. I asked it to show me the percentage of accuracy it was speaking to me with, and it showed 100% on the accuracy chart. Then I asked it the following:
Question: Have I lost 6 babies?
Question: Show me on the chart the number of babies that I have lost.
Question: What accuracy are you speaking to me with now?
Question: Did I lose a baby with my first husband?
Question: Did I lose a baby with my second husband?
Question: Did I lose a baby with my current husband?
Question: Did I lose 8 babies with the same person?
Question: Did I lose the first one when I was 15 after being raped?
Question: Still 100% accurate?
Question: Was my loss of fertility directly caused by the miscarriages?
So I think that you can see that this was a bit scary and emotional for me. My husband and I had tried all last summer using fertility drugs to get pregnant. This was NOT a fun summer. I started bleeding about this time last year. I went to the doctor one week before our wedding because I had still not stopped bleeding, I was becoming very anemic and I was worried that I would not stop before the wedding. At this point I was told that I would have to have a hysterectomy. That I would have to take 3 progesterone pills a day until the doctor could get me in to discuss surgery options. So I spent the last week before my wedding, my wedding, my honeymoon, my Thanksgiving, my Christmas, my New Year‘s and the first part of January taking 3 progesterone pills a day. Now if you don’t know what progesterone is, it is the hormone that causes PMS. Me being a woman with PCOS, polycystic ovaries, I did not get PMS.
It is truly a miracle that my husband and I are still together. He stuck by my side through it all. He took care of me after my surgery both physically and emotionally. We are both still very sad at the loss of the babies we may have had. He told me that my health and me being alive comes first for him. I am glad that he does feel that way. But there is a hole in my heart where my babies would have been.
I love my son dearly. I love him with every bit of my heart. I hate that he is an only child. I feel that I could have been a great mother to my babies.
Sometimes in that place between awake and dreaming I see them. I hear their laughter and I see them playing. I picture them as they would be now. Growing up and being happy well adjusted kids. Sometimes I hear “It’s ok Mommy, we understand and we love you”. Other times it is just silent….
Posted on August 1, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged Blog, Blogging, Blogs, Christmas, grief, Grief Loss and Bereavement, Hysterectomy, Infant, loss, miscarriage, Mommy, Ovary, Personal life, Polycystic ovary syndrome, Pregnancy, Progesterone, Support group, Surgery, Survivor, Thought, Uterus. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.