Why don’t you just get the fuck over it?
Can you believe that someone who was supposed to be my friend actually sent those specific words to me in an email? They went on to tell me that it had been almost 20 years ago and I needed to just let it go.
Let me start at the beginning. Have you read the post about the first time that this horrible thing happened to me? Well he was friends with that guy then. He was friends with that guy and with me. He actually had convinced me to break up with that guy and go out with him, then I went back to the guy….foolish of me, huh? Anyway, when it happened he was one of the ones that did not believe me. I had to be lying because his friend would never do anything like that.
Flash forward to 2 years ago. I logged into Facebook one day…you know…that place that has become the most visited URL in the world? You might have heard of it before… Ok back on track, I will stop being a smart ass now. When I logged in that day that guy was in my “People You May Know” recommendation. Seeing that face for the first time in 16 years really shocked me. I was shaking and I didn’t know what to say or what to do to make myself calm down and not go into full flashback. I saw that we had three mutual friends. I emailed each one of my friends that was friends with him and asked them “Why would you want to be friends with a rapist?” They had all been there when this had happened to me. Well not in the room but at that school and in that group of friends. One of the three had been there and held me while I cried.
Not a single one of them cared that he had done what he had done to me. Not a one of them deleted him. Two deleted me. One of them started calling me names and using profanity at me and then finally told me that I needed to just “Get the fuck over it”. I asked him how he would feel if it was his wife or girlfriend or sister or mother and he told me that his wife had been raped but that she had let it go and it never affected her life. I call bullshit on that. I call bullshit because I do not think it is possible for there to be a time when it does not EVER affect ANY part of a person’s life again.
Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I just have not gotten there. I know that I have not reached a point of forgiveness for them. I pray that one day I will be fully able to forgive myself for being in those situations. I was so naïve. Really there was not any sign that it was going to happen. There was nothing to give me any cause to step back and think that “this man is going to hurt me”.
Do you think that he is right? That I should just get the fuck over it and move on? I think that I have a right to my feelings and that whatever I am feeling is exactly what I should be. I think that it is ok to still hold loathing for those men. For the most part I do not think of them. But they have completely changed my life. They stole something from me that I will never get back. They have stolen something from my husband that he will never see.
Thank the Gods for my husband. He is so very patient with me. He holds me or doesn’t hold me when I need it or can’t have it. He has dealt admirably with my flashbacks and with all my hang ups that stem from being attacked. I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but I am so very glad that I found him.
Posted on July 29, 2011, in Rape and tagged Blog, Blogging, Blogs, FaceBook, flashbacks, Games, Grief Loss and Bereavement, Psychology, Rape, Relationships, Sexual assault, Survivor, United States, Victim. Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.