Anyone who says the only person affected by rape is the person it happened to is dead wrong

There are many out there that think that rape affects only the person that it happens to.  They are full of shit.  It affects our lives in every aspect.  It affects our husbands or boyfriends, wives or girlfriends.  It affects our children, our siblings, our parents.  It affects our friends and it affects our relationship with the world. 

Our first and only responsibility, as survivors, is to heal.  To heal ourselves and learn how to cope with the world again.  Once we have done that we can help to show those around us who we really are.  Who we were meant to be before this horrible thing happened to us. 

Of course this is just my opinion.  Please comment so that we can discuss this.

About wtfhappenedtomyreallife

I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, neice, friend, confidant and I am ready to speak my mind.

Posted on July 27, 2011, in Rape and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.

  1. So maybe this isn’t the place I should be leaving a comment eh?

    You don’t need some lunatic asking these criminals to lay down their lives for the evils they’ve perpetrated when you have an online crisis and suicide prevention widget.

    Behind the veil of anonymity we don’t bring along our conscience. We leave it behind as if we were leaving our shoes by the door. I support you, and your readers who have gone through this and your readers who support non-readers who have gone through this. Strength in knowledge. Geek out to move away from the past. I’ve found that the more you know, and the more everyone knows, the swifter your movement through this turbulent ocean becomes.

    I hope to read in the future about self defense tools or techniques. The effectiveness of whistles or keeping mace or a knife on yourself.

    I hope someone learns from this, maybe you’ll be the voice that urges women to stay away from alcohol or situations where alcohol and untrustworthy men are involved.

    • What I want you to know is that sometimes self defense tools and techniques are useless. Not because of lack of knowing how to use them but because our mind can shut down, refusing to let us know what is happening until it is too late. Also, there are times when you are in your own home and with someone that you DO trust…and they do something like this to you and burn that trust. Making it nearly impossible to learn to trust again. Yes there are situations where it would be helpful and it is good to know how to defend yourself. Just remember that not all rape is a violent attack. Not all attackers are strangers. A very high percentage of women are raped by someone that they know and trust. That is a very scary thing to think about.

      • Still, to quote Clap Trap “Stabby Stabby”.
        They deserve it.
        A silent resolve to stab someone if it ever happens to anybody. In the neck, in the eyes.
        Not every attack is violent.
        Forgiveness is not something I’ve learned for those people. An attack is an attack, by definition an act of aggression. You can love your brothers and sisters out there… Regrettably someone has to be left to Hate all the attackers. To the local government to demand harsher policies! Time to write the congressmen of every state.

  2. I agree that sometimes self defense tools are not effective. In fact, those who are uneducated in using them will most often have those very weapons turned against them. I’ve had first hand experience at the center with someone who thought carrying a knife would be enough to protect them. Being both a sexual violence advocate for the crisis center in our public health department and a self-defense instructor i’ve had many different experiences with survivors.
    Self defense has it’s place, but it’s most important to realize, it’s not the technique that saves your life, it’s not a gimmick or device, it’s an act of violence. Your ability to act against violence with violence. rapists have an advantage over us in that- they have no regard for others, they don’t care about you or your family, or hurting you. their goal is hurting you. We usually don’t have that same level of disregard. we have to teach ourselves to go to that dark place and be that violent.
    Having some skill in self defense techniques is better than nothing. knowing what places to strike to provide the greatest impact, knowing how to get yourself free, and just working with men to have the experience of fighting off someone twice your size without becoming paralyzed by panic or fear. i certainly encourage women to take self defense classes, but they need to remember that they are not invincible just because they had some time on a martial arts mat.
    The best thing to do is be vigilant of your surroundings and the people you surround yourself with. on another note, being victimized in your own home is the biggest betrayal and much harder to prepare for. Domestic violence is a serious issue and many times it’s not something you are immediately aware of, it creeps into your life and it is very difficult to escape.
    At the center we hear “it’s your fault you were drunk, but it’s HIS fault you were raped” which attempts to tell women – yes, you can drink, that doesn’t mean you deserve to be raped. But i feel this message really doesn’t say what it should. Yes, you can drink and you should be able to drink. From a self defense teacher stand point- I still say you need to be responsible for yourself. Rape is NEVER your fault but you need all your senses to remain safe in a world that seems so against women’s safety.

    • Thank you for your comment Suzie. I really appreciate the work that you do! It is wonderful that you get to be a part of something that helps so many. Thank you for being you and please know that even though I am not in your area and am not able to use that center as a benefit, I appreciate what you do immensely. Many blessings!

      • Thank you. It disgusts me to no end that there are no centers near you. RAINN still offers online help and phone hotlines- a lot of the time when you call they transfer to the nearest center to you. Maybe they could give you some nearby resources? Or if you really wanted to start up a group (I had seen this in your previous posts) maybe RAINN would be able to provide you with some pointers or resources to get one up and running. Also get in touch with your Public Health Dept. most of not all have some type of crisis clinic. A lot of Social Workers/Counselors do volunteer work, maybe you could find some around you that would be interested in giving back to the community to help you start up a group? Just a thought, I have never been involved in a start-up of that kind but i’m sure many good men and women would be willing to help out with that type of project for their community.

      • Thank you for the suggestion! I will definitely look into that!

  3. thinking2mucho

    “Our first and only responsibility, as survivors, is to heal.”

    I agree so much with this.I think part of letting yourself heal as well, is to maybe forgive the abuser, I’m not saying it’s easy. It definitely isn’t. And I still struggle with forgiveness, but if I keep holding on to all that hate towards that person, I’ll never be able to move on. I have a daughter, and her father was my abuser, so it gets even harder, but it’s not impossible.

    Regarding self defense, I think it’s a great idea. But it can be a double-edge sword. I attended domestic violence groups, (which helped a great deal in the healing process), and there were many women in the group who had been in jail or were facing serious charges for defending themselves against their abusers. It’s a hard subject because sometimes law enforcement, the people you think will help you, are the ones working against you.

    • Thank you very much for visting my page and for leaving your comments. I agree with you completely about the comment you made about law enforcement. Some really want to change the world and want to do what they can to help but there are others who are “by the book” and don’t want to get their hands dirty.

      • thinking2mucho

        I agree. And thank you for writing this blog. It really does help to know there are others out there, that you are not alone. 🙂

  4. Great post. Great comments all. keep talking.

  5. There are indeed victims who are imprisoned for acting in self defense. I did refer to knives and self defense techniques, Suzie referred to martial arts, abuse in the home was also mentioned. I can see how abuse in the home is the greatest betrayal but self defense in the home likely has the biggest potential for legal repercussions. At home people are less prepared to face an attack but they are also more familiar with their surroundings, they do know where they keep guns or knives or other things that they can use to attack someone. I don’t know if someone would be charged with murder or manslaughter for using a weapon to fatally wound someone during an attack. There has been a far more experienced commenter who has already said that awareness is a key factor.

    Maybe a hint of paranoia could help everyone, having a plan just like you would have one in case of fire or burglary. I personally have a plan of action in case someone where to enter the house. I know where I keep knives but that is not my first option, my worry is there being multiple armed assailants. For a single person I keep a pole near the bed with a metal tip, it’s just a 5 foot stick for painting but with the roller taken off it becomes more dangerous but not lethal. It can hit someone in many ways to disorient, cause pain, or hopefully scare off someone. Using a knife only occurs to me in self defense as a way to cause enough pain for them to cease and create distance or leave them open to be taken off balance and potentially pinned until help can arrive.

    For a woman who perceives herself as less powerful than the attacker striking the throat could cause them to choke perhaps? Poking the eyes? I’m sure one can see how using the hands would not always be the an option. Creating space, trying to put objects between yourself and the attacker to help escape? Screaming, biting at a shorter range?

    Rape should never happen, I wish we could teach children of this evil and why boys and girls should KNOW never to do this. Knowing it’s bad does condition everyone to not be a criminal, but one can wish for the world to change.

  6. All that we can do is teach our own children and families. Unfortunately there are those parents out there who should not be allowed to have children. Who do not teach their children these basic things…or that do even worse and do these horrible things to their own children.

    It is a very sad and corrupt world we live in. We just have to do the best with what we can. Teach our children to be good people and hope that it helps them to succeed in life.

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