The very first time this horrible thing happened to me….
The first time that I was raped, I was 15. It is nearing the 13 year mark of the day it happened. I was dating this guy who I thought was pretty terrific. We hung out together all the time. We had all the same friends. I had decided to let him be my first. One night my parents had gone to a concert and I invited him to come over so that we could “do it”. Well that was in January. February came along and so did his 16th birthday. On the 16th. I told him that we couldn’t because my family was home and I really didn’t feel comfortable having sex with my mom and dad and 10 yr old brother in the house. Now I should have seen the signs…He groped me constantly…even when we were out in public. But I was young and in love and I thought that it would all be ok. He came over to my house after dinner with our friends and we were sitting in my bedroom watching tv. My mom had made him a birthday cake. He had gotten me onto the floor beside my bed on the far side from the door and I just couldn’t believe it was happening. I didn’t scream or cry out because I didn’t want my family to know what was going on. My mom walked in and she caught what she thought was us having sex consensually. I was called everything but a white girl that night…by my mother. I was so mortified I never told her about what had really been happening. After that we went to school and he had spread the story around so when I got there and tried to tell my friends, our friends, what had really happened…none of them believed me. I had maybe three friends that stood by me through it all. He moved at the end of that school year and I have heard tell of what has become of him here and there…friends who still don’t believe that it really happened who feel the need to share. I know that he is now gay and from what I have heard he has HIV now. I was his first and I am at least thankful for that much. I did get pregnant when he raped me. I lost that baby and it was the first in a long line of miscarriages. My mother still does not know what happened that night and I probably will never tell her. She doesn’t know about the other 4 times I have been raped either. It is a wonder that I have been able to move forward with a healthy sexual relationship and have gotten married. All 5 of my attackers were men that I had let into my life. Men that I had found charming and had consciously decided to date. One of them was my ex husband. I know that there is a place to put our stories. And I will continue with the rest of my story once I am more emotionally equipped to write it out. I am just glad that I have found this place.
*This was originally posted on Pandora’s Aquarium on February 10, 2007.
If you have been sexually assaulted please do not try to push it away and act like nothing happened. Talk about it. Get help. Be silent no more.