The second time that I let the wrong person into my life.
The second time that I was raped. Well let me set the scene. I had turned 18 and had a job at a fast food place. I had gotten mad at my mother so I had moved in with a friend of mine. I was 18 and knew everything that there was to know. I knew nothing. Our manager came over to hang out with us one night and she had brought some pot. I had never done it before…but she and my friend talked me into it. After that I started drinking and smoking pot on a regular basis for a couple months. One night me and my friend had gone to the gas station and I had met a guy. He had gone to my high school and had dated one of my friends back then. Well long story short I decided to invite him to our place a few nights later. We talked and had a lot in common. We decided that we were gonna give it a go as bf/gf. Well one night he came over and we had not been sexual up to this point. We all had too much to drink and we smoked too much and I could not drive him home and he was on his bike so I was not going to ask him to ride his bike home in the middle of the night. We had a tiny loveseat instead of a couch…so I told him he could sleep in the bed with me if he wanted to but that I was not ready to be sexual with him. He agreed and said that he understood. Well that night I woke up in the middle of the night with him messaging me with his fingers….I was outraged and told him that I had said no and no meant no and it was not going to happen. Well he left and that was that for that day. Stupidly I was still trusting and believing back then. Looking back I can see how naive it was. I let him come over the next night cause he apologized profusely and swore that he understood no meant no and that he respected that I was not ready for that with him yet. Well we all got drunk and smoked too much and I stupidly made the same arrangement with him. He swore to me that he would not touch me in my sleep again. He said that he cared too much about me to do that to me again. I had told him of my rape when I was 15 and he said he understood how that had messed with me and that he would not do it again. That night…I woke up with him inside of me. I freaked out. I sat huddled on the couch until I was sure that I was sober enough to take him home and I did just that. When my roommate woke up I told her what had happened. later that night I heard from my old high school boyfriend. The one that had saved my life after the first rape. He came over and we ordered pizza and we talked and I cried and James, the guy who had raped me, called. He said he had left his wallet at my place and he needed it back. I was scared. I didn’t want to see him again. So my knight in shining armor told me that I could go with him if I wanted but that he was going to take him his wallet. I rode over with him…terrified that James would come out to the car. When my friend came out he told me that the situation was dealt with and that I would not have to worry about ever hearing from him again. I could not make myself go into that gas station for months. One day I had to because I needed gas and the other gas stations around were closed. When I went in I found out that two days after he had raped me….he had left town. My friend told me that he had told him to leave town and never to contact me again or he would personally cause him harm. I won’t go into details of what he said he would do…but it worked and he did leave town and I never heard from him again. I let him get away. I didn’t call the police. We had been smoking pot and I was drinking underage and I didn’t want to involve the police. I knew what they would say…I was high and I was drunk and I had gotten confused. That I really had told him he could and then I just didn’t remember.
*This was originally posted on Pandora’s Aquarium on February 10, 2007.