The fifth time…my first husband….
I met a man at a karaoke show that a friend of mine was running. I walked into the room and when I saw him everything else just faded away. Not that he was gorgeous or anything…but there was a magnetism. We began dating. He came to spend the night one night and he never left…things were so blissfully great. My friends stopped coming around though. I missed them but I had my man. Nothing could go wrong. We met in April and got married in September. It was right before the attacks on the WTC. It was 10 days before to be precise. It started slowly…he would tell me that I was depressed. He would block me into rooms and he would badger me until I was in tears. He was a ministers son and he knew the bible. He knew that I had had dreams of him since I was 15. Prophetic dreams. He began to tell me that all of my beliefs were “of the devil” and he threw out all my books on the craft. He began to tell me that he regretted sleeping with me before we were married. I was going to school and working full time plus trying to be a mom and a wife. Needless to say I was not home very much. I started skipping school to spend time with him. I would ask him to keep my son so I could go to class and if he had plans for bible study then I was “jealous of god” and he was not going to stand for it. He stopped having sex with me. He started having sex with my best friend Brandon’s gf. I suspected long before I knew. She was miraculously there at my house when I got home at 10 at night….and Brandon was no where around. He also started having sex with a male friend of mine. That really threw me for a loop. One night I was feeling particularly low about myself. He had not had sex with me in three months. He asked if he could go back door. I told him I was scared too because I had been raped that way and that one had been very scarring. He said that he would go easy and if I said to stop he would. Well I did say stop…and he went harder and faster and refused to stop. When he was done I cried…I curled into myself and I cried and I felt a piece of me dying. I don’t know why I didn’t leave him then. He had me so convinced that I was fat and unlovable and dirty and that no one else would ever want me. I knew he was wrong but if you hear something enough….you start to believe it. The final straw was one day when we got into an argument and it turned physical. He threw me against a wall. I left that night and I didn’t look back. We were together all of 9 mos after we got married. We were married considerably longer because I didn’t have the money to file for divorce and then I had trouble finding him. When I found him he made it a point to tell me that his gf was expecting a baby, something that I couldn’t do because of my medical conditions. I told him I would pay for the filing and I told him, just please sign the papers. He did and I have not seen him since. Every once in a while I hear about him but I do my best to tune it out.
*This was originally posted on Pandora’s Aquarium on February 11, 2007
Posted on July 26, 2011, in Rape and tagged Apartment, Blog, Blogging, Blogs, Crime, Husband, Marriage, Partner Rape, Rape, Sex, Sexual assault, Sexual intercourse, Sexuality, Survivor, Victim. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.